South Park

What on Earth was that?!

My name is Jimmy Valmer.

And I am very f-f-fast.

When I was born, my parents knew I was different.

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Valmer.

Your newborn son will never be able to walk.

But he will be extremely good at comedy.

Wow! What a t-t-terrific audience.

As I got older, my powers only increased.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Help!

Nacho Cheese.

And now I look for others like me

to fight crime as part of a superhero team.

I am...

Fa-Fa-Fastpass.

Okay, okay, thank you, Fastpass.

I like it. What do you guys think?

We definitely don't have anyone

with super-human speed in our franchise.

Fastpass, what makes you feel qualified

to be part of our cinematic universe?

Well, besides being super f-f-fast,

I also have a good attitude

and flexibility with my schedule on weekends.

Fastpass, welcome to Coon and Friends.

You are about to make a shit load of money.

Episode Title: "Franchise Prequel"

All right, superheroes,

it's time to layout our plan of action.

As you can see, I have divided the franchise plan

into three phases.

Phase one begins with "The Coon" Netflix series

and goes through the "Coon and Friends United,"

movie where we introduce Tool Shed and the Human Kite.

In phase two, we do "Coon vs. Fastpass,"

followed by an origin movie about Mosquito.

Bzzzzzt! Oh, boy! I get my own origin movie?!

- Bzzztzt! - That's right.

It's in Phase two that we will finally introduce

Tupperware, our black superhero,

like an ace in the hole.

Whoa, whoa. Wait. How come we gotta start off with a Netflix series?

Can't we just go right into movies?

Netflix is starving for new shows right now, Toolshed.

They will literally buy anything people pitch them.

We need to strike while the iron is hot.

Later, in phase three, we can finally get to Civil War,

where we will all...

What is it?!

Incoming Facetime call from SuperCraig!

On screen!

You guys, we have a big problem.

What is it, SuperCraig?

Somebody is messing with our Facebook page.

They're spreading all these lies

and saying we like, burn the American flag

and pee in each other's mouths.

Spreading lies how?

Take a look. Someone is systematically

targeting our Facebook followers

and feeding them misinformation.

Who would deliberately use Facebook

in such a horribly reckless way?

Butters, you're not looking at boobies again, are you?

No, Dad, I'm not looking at boobies.

Butters.

Oh, hey, fellas!

Butters, are you using Facebook

to with our superhero franchise?

Umm...

Nope.

Butters. Butters!

Yes, fellas?

Dude, listen, we don't have time for this.

Right now, Netflix is buying

any show that people pitch them.

We have a real shot at starting our franchise,

and you are a part of that franchise plan, okay?

We have movies planned for the bad guy!

You mean like "Suicide Squad"?

Yes!

"Suicide Squad" sucked.

Butters!

Butters, you can't just make stuff up about us.

People are thinking it's true.

Look, fellas, you have a right to be on Facebook,

and I have a right to be on Facebook.

And sometimes, that's going to cause a little...

chaos.

Gotta get to class.

Dude. What a dick!

If we don't find a way to stop him,

we're never going to make any money, you guys.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are

about what's happening to our children.

I just can't believe that children in our town

are dressing up in hero costumes

and... peeing in each other's mouths.

And who are these kids?

Does anyone know? They're wearing capes

and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities.

Why?

We were shocked to read that a young African-American boy

is wearing Tupperware

and defecating on girls while they sleep.

What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?

You know what I think the problem is?

Facebook.

Facebook? How so?

Well, look, we all know there's

a lot of mixing of truth and fiction

that's been on Facebook lately.

And children lack the cognitive ability

to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook.

That's why we now have young kids

dressing up in costumes, eating poop,

and having sex with antelopes in our town.

Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.

That'll never happen.

You know what I say we do?

Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all

about our concerns in this community.

Do you really think he'd come?

Why not give it a try?

Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here

and see what he has to say.

I'm sure he's a reasonable person.

Who are you?! What do you want?!

I'm here about the job?

Oh, are you Adam? Well, come on in!

You're making a smart career choice, Adam.

You see, what we do here is utilize Facebook

not only to spread chaos but to actually profit from it.

You'll find the hours very reasonable,

and I'm working on getting

full health and dental for all employees.

Here's your company uniform.

You see, what I've done, Adam,

is built a completely self-sustaining chaos machine...

You look fantastic...

Doing nothing more than what Facebook was designed to do.

I make money from Facebook for my fake content

in order to pay Facebook to promote my fake stories.

And thusly, we're growing bigger every day.

Everyone, can I have your attention please?

We have a new agent of chaos.

Please welcome Adam Borque.

Here you go. You can take this workstation, Adam.

Just start writing horrible things about people

and presenting it as reality on Facebook.

All right! Don't forget we have a chaos quota, gang!

Let's really shit up.

All right. Can everyone hear me in the back?

M'kay We're gonna get started here.

I know you all have a lot of questions,

so without further ado,

let me introduce Mark Zuckerberg.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Zuckerberg.

Thank you. It is a great honor

to be here amongst all of you.

For those few who don't know,

could you tell us who you are?

I am the founder and chairman of FACEBOOK.

But I also have a style that is completely unblockable.

Okay, we'll let him speak,

and then we'll open the floor to some questions

if there's time. Thank you.

Thank you, right.

All right. Everyone here wants to see my style.

But first what I'll need is a volunteer.

Yes, you sir?

Mr. Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a tool

for some to disrupt our country and our community...

You say these things like they are my fault,

and yet they are not.

Well, you did create a platform

with a monetary incentive

for people to spread misinformation.

Now I see you're trying

to use your style over mine.

Now, you try to block me.

Brzzz! Byeow!

Now you have learned that you cannot block me.

- Yes? - Yes. What is your question?

How are we supposed

- to keep our kids... - Ba-ba-ba-baaa! Ztzztzzzt!

Shwa! Ahh! Pos-brb!

Wilson Aubrey?

Yeah.

It's us, your heroes, Coon and Friends.

We're, uh... just wondering

why you stopped following us on Instagram.

Because you victimize innocent people

and poop in little girls' mouths.

That's not true, Wilson.

We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.

Facebook says it's true.

But it's not true.