Game Night

Whoo!

Who cares about winning? Let's get drunk!

Let's do it.

Let's get you drunk, Merkins. You, too, Borgs.

I'm thirsty. Huh?

I need four shots of vodka, four shots of water.

I want you to send the vodka over to the Merkins.

Send the water to us. You understand?

What former Supreme Court Justice--

- Oliver Wendell Holmes! - Correct.

Yes!

Again, I'd like to ask the players to allow me to--

To finish the question.

Very funny.

Okay, okay. This is getting embarrassing,

so we need to focus

because this isn't a game.

It literally is.

Bill, do not test me right now.

Looks like we're down to two teams.

So, for double points,

what is the name of the purple Teletubby?

- Tinky Winky! - You're both correct.

He always carried a--

- Red purse. - Yeah.

- And he loved big hugs. - Big hugs.

I know. I'm Max.

Annie.

Ha-ha! You're never gonna be able to hold on to Asia! You hear me?

Hey, if you take Kamchatka, and I take Mongolia,

we could trap Linda in the middle.

- Starve out her armies. - Hey!

You can't form alliances.

Worked for Hitler, right? Hmm?

You're high-fiving Hitler?

All right, you got this. Last one.

Oh, that's Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.

Yes!

I'm up. I feel good.

Two words.

Bill. Overweight.

- No. - Single. Out of work.

What the fuck?

Hairy.

Uh, carry, marry.

Marry!

You. Me.

Marry me?

Dude, we got it! We got it!

Annie, will you?

Will you marry me?

- Is that a yes? That's a yes! - Yeah!

I'm really happy for you guys.

- Ooh, lot of pressure here. - Yeah.

You miss, you lose it all.

Stay out of my head.

And you know you have a distinct advantage with the smaller hands, right?

Your goal posts are not as big.

Well, I guess you should've married Uma Thurman.

Yeah, that would've been great.

There's a snap. Here's the hold.

- Ooh! - And a text.

That was interference.

Sorry, honey. I know how much that meant to you.

Come on.

Dr. Chin is ready for you.

Uh, great.

I think we've determined why you've been having trouble conceiving.

- Okay. Let's have it. - Okay, great.

Oh, what's that look? Is it me? Of course, it's me.

I'm not loving your semen.

Oh?

Your count is excellent, but your motility is well below normal.

- That's too bad. - What would cause that?

It can be genetic, environmental factors.

Nine times out of 10, though, it's psychological.

Have you been feeling anxious or stressed?

No, I don't think so. Not really.

Uh... He's always a little stressed.

You don't have to write... I'm not...

Honey, she's writing it down.

Well, Max is very competitive. As am I.

We sure are.

One of the reasons I fell in love with him.

Maybe, uh, that makes him a little more prone to stress than normal people.

"Normal people"?

How long has this been going on, Max?

It's not going on.

Oh, well, you did say, even when you were a kid,

you would freak out if you lost at anything.

- Oh, I was a kid. - Especially if you lost to your brother.

Hmm.

Hey, is that what this is?

No.

You have been so uptight since you found out that Brooks is coming to town.

- I don't think that's true. - Could that be a factor in all this?

Let's be fair.

Sibling rivalry can be very powerful.

Cain and Abel, the Baldwins.

- The what? - The brothers.

I'm not sure why we're discussing this. She's not a therapist.

You're not a therapist, right? With all respect.

- No, but I am a doctor. - Sure.

And I believe in treating the whole patient.

So, what is it about your brother that makes you feel emasculated?

Are we gonna do this?

We're right next to the room where I masturbated.

I think he has it in his head that Brooks is cooler

and more successful and hotter than he is.

I never said hotter.

He's charming.

That's interesting. And is he single?

What's that?

I don't know if I mentioned it, but Keith and I are on a trial separation.

- Oh. - Keith?

Uh, Keith.

So, do you think your brother would wanna grab a cup of coffee with me?

Gosh, I don't know.

Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Hurts a little.

Now, is he a tall fellow? 'Cause I'm only 5'2".

We're all done with my semen?

He is taller than Max.

- Good. - But he did date this ballerina once,

and she was just a teeny-tiny little thing.

Ooh.

Honey, Gary. Don't mention game night, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

- Good evening, Max. - Hey, Gary.

- Annie. - Hello there.

Hi, Gary!

Just checking the mail.

Oh, yeah?

Some people check it earlier in the day,

but there's always a risk that the mail carrier hasn't come yet.

This spares me the chance of a futile trip to the mailbox.

Uh-huh.

Plus, it allows Bastian here the opportunity to urinate.

You have a good one.

Any plans for this evening?

No.

Perhaps a game night?

We're just gonna stay in,

- just the two of us. - Mmm-hmm.

- Boring. - Mmm.

I see.

I do hope you keep me in mind for any future game nights.

You bet.

I've always enjoyed the camaraderie of good friends

competing in games of chance and skill.

Yeah. Yeah, well, we'll do that,

but tonight, it's just the two of us.

Three bags of Tostitos Scoops, I notice.

There was a special on these tonight.

Three for one.

Three for one?

Yup.

How can that be profitable for Frito Lay?

These corporations,

I don't know what they're doing.

Well, you two enjoy each other.

It's often we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone.

- I think that's it. - Okay.

Bye-bye!

If Gary sees the others coming, we're screwed.

No, no, honey, it's not gonna be a problem.

I was very, very clear with everyone to park far away

and just to sneak in quietly, you know.

But now, I mean, you don't think we're being dicks, do you?

I mean, should we just still invite the guy?

He really seemed like he wanted to play.

No, no. Debbie was our friend,

and Gary was just the creepy husband that we had to put up with.

That's true.

He's only gotten worse since the divorce.

Yeah, we don't owe him anything, right? Fuck him!

Hi!

Hi.

Can we help you?

I'm okay.

Hey!

Of course. Ryan, why are you coming in through the window?

You said sneak in so RoboCop wouldn't see us.

I meant sneak in through the door.

Well, you were super vague.

- I wasn't vague at all. - Wine?

I know I didn't say, "Break the succulents."

- Hey. - I'm not dressed for this nonsense.

This is ridiculous.

It's like Night of the Living Dead in here.

Yeah, you are asking a lot from us, Max.

I didn't say to come through the window.

This is Max. We used to work together.

- His wife, Annie. Michelle. - Hey!

And that guy, Kevin.

- What's up, buddy? - The door was right there.

Guys, this is Madison.

Yeah, you brought her last week.

You work at Forever 21, right?

- No, no. - I work at Sephora.