The Spider Woman

Read all about the pajama suicide.

Here you are, governor. Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Read all about it, another pajama suicide.

Here you are, governor. Paper? Read all about the pajama suicide.

Ah!

But dash it all, Susan. Its as crime,

suicide is a crime.

Where are the police? Where is Sherlock Holmes?

That's what I've been thinking, Robert.

Where is Sherlock Holmes?

I've got one, Watson.

Play him, Holmes, play him.

Its a beauty.

Don't let him get away.

Blast.

I've lost him.

I'm sorry you lost him, old man.

What are you doing, old fellow?

Just changing my fly.

Don't be mendacious, Watson.

Who? Me mendacious?

Yes, when a man slips away four times in an hour to change his fly

and still has the same fly on his hook

I call that being mendacious.

Perhaps it is, as a matter of fact I felt a bit faint.

- A touch of the sun. - A touch of humbug.

- Humbug? - Yes, your hat's on backwards.

Oh, is it?

Ah, just as I thought,

and you gave me your solemn word of honor.

- Did you, did you say murders? - I did.

- The paper says suicide. - Nonsense, Watson.

Suicides invariably leave notes behind them.

Not one of these men left so much as a word.

After all a fellow hasn't got time to dash off a note

before throwing himself in front of a bus.

But these people didn't throw themselves under busses.

Each and every one of them went quietly to bed

behind locked doors.

And each and every one of them Rose up suddenly in the night

and killed himself.

- I never thought of that. - Obviously.

Neither did Scotland yard.

You know, Watson,

there's something uncanny about it.

Something monstrous and horrible,

something that drives these poor fellows to their so-called suicide,

and when you drive a man to suicide that's murder.

You amaze me, Holmes.

I'd say haven't we better get back to London at once

with all this murder afoot?

I'm sorry, Watson,

the pleasures of the chase are no longer for me.

I'm through with crime now and forever.

You... you don't mean that.

Yes, unfortunately.

But why?

Watson, I have a confession to make to you.

I'm no longer equal to it.

Lately, I've been subject to the most alarming dizzy spells.

Not a swimming sensation,

difficulty maintaining your balance when you stand upright?

Precisely, and you know what that leads to.

Cerebral hemorrhages if you don't look out. - Exactly.

That means get back to London as quick as we can.

I'll take you to see arm it age.

Not until we've had our fun, old boy.

If this is to be our last holiday together

I'd like to get my fill of it.

Oh, sorry, old fellow. I'm afraid I upset you with that beastly newspaper.

Oh, think nothing of it.

At least you know now why I left London

in amidst the most shocking crime wave since Jack the ripper.

Watson!

Holmes!

Would you like a paper, sir? Read all about it.

The name of Ronald boyce Carter must be added to the list of suicides

that have shocked London in recent months.

It is indeed regrettable that Mr. Sherlock Holmes...

Bah!

You know Susan, that fellow Holmes had no business dying just now.

It's an outrage, a dashed outrage.

Poor man.

I hear they're going to send all his things to the British museum.

Things, what do you mean things?

You mean his old books and discarded whiskers?

No, Robert. What would the British museum do with his whiskers?

It's his scrapbooks they're going to exhibit

and all his records.

The strange death of ex-president murillo.

The giant rat of sumatra.

What a ghastly affair.

You know in some ways, Mrs. Hudson,

those were the happiest days of my life.

Now, now, Dr. Watson. Don't get down in the dumps.

What can't be cured must be endured, you know.

You're right, my dear, you're right.

Sentiment. Pure sentiment

silly of me, I know.

Oh, dear.

That must be the Van from the museum

and his things aren't even half packed.

You go down, my dear, and hold them off for 15 minutes.

And then they can come up and take it all away.

But I don't want them to take it all away.

It's like tearing a piece out of my heart.

Oh, there, there, my dear. I know, I know.

What's she sniffling about?

Oh, you know how woman are, huh.

No control.

I didn't expect to see you here, lestrade.

British museum, you know, had to have protection.

They rang up Scotland yard.

- I just happened to be there. - Hmm?

All right, well I didn't want every Tom, dick and Harry handling his things.

No, no, of course not, of course not.

- Ratty old chair, ain't it? - Repulsive.

Well, sir, there's nothing ratty about it.

Perhaps you're right, doctor.

Many a times I seen him sprawled out in it.

Ah, ah, ah.

Oh.

Funny duck he was.

I was saying to my old woman only this morning

if it hadn't been for him I'd still be a sergeant.

Pity you didn't mention it when he was alive.

Perhaps we understood each other better than you think, doctor.

All these old pipes.

What'd you let him fall in that blasted river?

Why didn't you jump in after him, you big blunderhead?

Blunderhead! That's very offensive, lestrade.

Me jump in? I wasn't there.

When I got there, he wasn't there. He had gone.

He'd gone.

Oh, sorry, doctor.

Take no notice, I'm...

That's all right, lestrade.

- Lestrade. - What.

Would you like to have one of his pipes?

I wouldn't mind.

Well, help yourself.

Thank you, doctor.

You picked a very old one.

It's the one I want.

Its the one I remember best.

I'll be stepping downstairs to the vans for a bit, doctor.

Take your time with the packing, doctor,

there's no hurry, you know. The British museum will still be there.

What's the row about?

A registered package for Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

- Oh, he'll sign for it. - Thank you, sir.

Here you are. Bring it here.

Mind signing here, sir?

Pencils these days, not worth the paper they write on.

That's right.

- You got a knife? - No, I ain't.

Well, wait a minute.

All right.

Cool dummy. So this is where he hung out.

These were his rooms.

Not much of a room if you ask me.

Well, who's asking you?

Here, that's mine.

I've lost things like that before.

Oh, well, I suppose it suited him, all right.

All right, all right, all right.

He was no great shakes as a tick from what I heard.

Just one of them easy chair johnnies.

What sat on his tail and let everybody else do the dirty work.

That'll be enough.

Mind you, I ain't saying he didn't get the credit.

But newspapers can be bought, can't they now?

You insect. You dare to imply...

All right, all right, all right, governor.

Keep your shirt on.

I got a right to my opinion

and it's my opinion that Mr. Sherlock Holmes

was nothing more but an old herring gut.

You... you say that again.

An herring gut, and old herring gut.

Up to get you, worm.

We'll see whose a herring gut.

It's all right, Watson.

I take it back. Call off your dogs.

It's all right, old boy. Don't look like that.

Get a hold of yourself. Here, have a drink.

My word, you made a shambles of this room.

How could you play such a trick on me?

You brought it on yourself, old man.

Throwing open my records to the public,

tipping off every criminal in the country.

The shear addleheadedness, you've surpassed yourself.

Don't you realize the dynamite that's in those records?

I had to stop you.

Even if I had to come back from the dead to do it.

I'll never forgive you for this, Holmes,

not until my dying day.

It was a filthy trick, I Grant you, but I had to see you.

No one every looks twice at a postman, you know.

If the books are ready, doctor...