Saving Silverman

Neil Diamond, Hot August Night, 1972.

That concert rocked. And rolled.

I know, 'cause I was there.

That's me.

My water broke.

Ever since then I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.

But this story isn't about Neil.

It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.

Best friends since fifth grade.

That's J.D.

He's lactose intolerant.

And he's not very bright.

That's Darren Silverman.

He's the romantic.

But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.

That's me, Wayne.

I'm loyal to my friends.

If you weren't a girl, I'd beat you up.

Me, too!

Don't!

After that, I started working out.

We stayed best friends throughout high school.

Yep, I was the third-string quarterback.

J.D. became the school mascot.

And Darren joined the cheerleading squad.

That's Sandy.

Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.

When you're up against the Warbird,

you're upside down!

That's Coach Norton.

He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.

Two things you got to remember, boys.

Number one, stay away from women.

All they want from you is your man juice.

Now, if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor,

use this.

And number two?

Sportsmanship! Sportsmanship!

Sportsmanship!

Healy! You fairy wimp fruit bag!

You suck!

Lefessier! Get out there!

I just gotta get my helmet.

Hey, guys! Guys... Guys, I'm in!

He's in! Wayne!

Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!

Hike!

But now we're all grown up.

J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.

Recently, he was promoted to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.

Okay McNugent, let's see what you got.

Sir.

I've been working with these guys for eight weeks.

I'm proud to present to you the future of Subway sandwiches.

Belston.

Three sizes of bevi are small, medium and what?

Big?

Come on, like we practiced. You can do this.

I...

I...

I...

I...

Long!

Okay, we'll come back to you.

Sir, this guy's my stinkiest student by far.

Trimble, let's see you sub.

No. No. Meat on the inside. Bread on the outside.

Okay, take it away.

Take it away. Take it away.

Take it away!

Don't judge me on those two guys.

This next guy is my protégé.

He's top of his class,

and for his thesis, he made a party sub.

Heston, where's the party sub?

Darren is the social director at a retirement home.

"D-17."

Bingo.

Bingo.

Abe, pull your pants up or no more Matlock.

Good mornin'.

And I started my own business.

Okay, what are we dealin' with here?

I don't know what it is, but it sounds big.

Stay back. I'm goin' in.

Careful, sonny.

Hey, so you're causin' all this trouble?

Come here. Hey there.

Hello.

You poor little thing, yeah.

Here's your ferocious beast.

Who is your mommy?

Is it dead?

No, but she is in one deep coon coma.

Don't! Don't! Stop it!

But we all have one mystical thing in common,

our love for Neil.

That's our band, Diamonds in the Rough.

Hi. Hi.

Hey I'm Darren.

Sophie.

I was wondering, maybe do you want to grab a drink with me?

I'm sorry, I'm involved.

With a real entertainer.

I can't believe I got blown off again.

I'm never gonna find the right girl.

Dude, you don't want a chick who would fuck a mime.

Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway?

It's probably like, "I'm a mime."

"I'm a mime."

Hey. Mimes don't talk.

They do when they're off duty.

It's not her. It's... It's all women.

I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.

The only girl I ever loved walked out of my life years ago.

Sandy Perkus.

Remember her?

Her family was with the circus.

Her dad was the strong man.

Her mom was the bearded lady.

And her brother was the dogfaced boy.

Bye, Darren!

Before I could muster the courage to ask her out, she moved away.

Remember?

You know, guys, I truly believe

that there is a one-and-only someone for everyone.

And Sandy.

Sandy Perkus...

Was my one and only.

Man, that is really romantic.

Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.

What do you think of her?

Who? Right there.

In the red?

Yeah, she's gorgeous. Go talk to her.

No. Okay, I'll do it for you.

What? Hey, wait!

Wayne!

Hi! I'm Wayne.

No!

No, you don't understand. I'm not hittin' on ya.

Back off.

I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.

He's smart. He's sensitive. I don't care.

I think he'd make a wonderful husband. I don't want to meet him.

Great!

Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute. Really?

Yeah, she's like, "I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.

Are you sure?

Totally. Get down there and make your move.

I don't know.

Come on! You can do it!

Carpe poon!

Really?

Okay.

Okay, I'll do it.

All right!

Yes!

Yes.

Hi!

I'm Darren.

Darren. My...

My friend said you wanted to meet me.

He lied.

That's that's a good one.

No, seriously, I don't want to meet you.

Well my friend must have been mistaken.

I'm really sorry to bother you.

Let me guess.

That jerk tried to get in your pants with some tacky pickup line.

I'm not like that. I use magic.

Beat it, baldy.

Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.

I have here two ordinary metal rings.

You, me.

Hello. Hello. I "ruv" you.

Sorry. I forgot my beer.

This is my boyfriend, Darren, so hit the bricks, porky.

Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.

Satan.

I'm really sorry about hitting on you before, I...

You should be. I am. I am.

I just... I wasn't thinking, and...

You're so beautiful, and I...

I'm sorry.

So make up for it. Buy me a drink.

Yeah, okay. I'll have a scotch.

Excuse me. Can you give the lady a scotch,

and I'll have another beer.

He'll have a gin and tonic. Make that a gin and tonic.

You got it.

Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?

Hey, they're just havin' a drink together.

It's not like they're goin' steady or anything.

Right.