Stuck

MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES

HE GRUNTS

SHE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

GRUNTS

MOBILE PHONE ALARM CONTINUES

SHE GRUNTS

Tea.

Tea.

Tea, Dan.

Tea. Tea, Dan.

Tea, Dan.

Tea, Dan.

Tea, Dan!

Get the tea.

SHE MUTTERS

MOBILE PHONE ALARM TINKLES FAINTLY

Egypt Strut by Salah Ragab and the Cairo Jazz Band

Oh, well done.

You've eaten every single crumb of nice in the flat.

I'll have to go down to the Evil Forest.

Oh, no way. That deli with all the bulging shit and the jumpers

and those awful women. Three quid for a lemon?

No way. But they have all the nice things.

And it's Saturday.

Why am I even justifying this?

I'm a hard-working princess

and you've eaten all my sugar plums. Boo hoo, Your HO-ness.

I don't even know why I'm talking to you anyway, maniac,

I landed on my face.

Yeah, lucky you slept through.

I spiral-fractured about 18 of my fingers.

I barely manage my bowl of Tosty Frots...Frosty Tots.

Bowls, three, big ones.

Which one was the toughest?

Oh, no, have I got mansoobs?

Oh, lefty's looking very chunky.

Don't even say that.

Whoa, fucking hell, whoa.

Bleurgh! Oh, come on.

Let's get you all spaffed up downtown.

Heh-heh. Got to keep you pretty, boy.

Yay, OK, let's go get you a magic expandable bra.

Then we can walk to the forest and protect you

from the wicked sisters.

No, we don't even need anything.

Yeah, I know, but that's the whole point. Don't you get it?

I want stuff we don't need.

It's about pleasure. It's about living, Dan.

My moobs and I are getting into a hole in the ground.

Oh, come on. I hate going down there on my own.

The way they sort of hover and pounce like lame spiders.

If you are going down to the Magic Forest...

Yeah, don't shag the walls.

We're actually out of Frosty Tots.

Do you mind not smelling the jars?

Thank you so much.

Sorry, I was, erm...

..just looking for lentils.

Lentils? What else?

That way.

Rather obviously beside all the other dried goods.

Yeah, you'd know more about dried goods, wouldn't you,

you stupid old bint... Carla.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, my God!

Oh!

So good to see you.

How are you? I'm really good. How are you?

I'm really good, thank you.

THEY CACKLE HAPPILY

Oh, my God!

That is actually the last one we have.

Any better at all?

Have you got anything tighter?

Maybe my yayas could ping out when I say hi.

I'll go and check.

One pieces, anything, talk to me.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hey. Where are you? You said you were hiding.

I had to go and find clothes for the larger-cupped man.

Hey, let's become bakers and wear dungarees.

You'll never believe who I just ran into. Who?

Good, bad, we're moving?

One of my very, very oldest and dearest...

Oh, an ex?

Yeah, how'd you guess?

They always get a good intro.

Who is it this time?

The wrestling chef?

The drumming surgeon?

Or the twins from the sawmill?

Raul only wrestled part time. Weak thumbs.

Maya's the singer.

We've going full evil here, by the way.

We've got loads from the fridges of bitches.

You coming back for lunch or what?

Running a bath, OK?

Come and get your bubbles.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Bye, Sam!

No rush, all right? Oh, can you get some bread? Bye.

Fuck, I'm definitely coming.

Oh, my God, my robe.

That is mine. That is my robe.

I've been looking for that for years.

And my green snake ring.

OK, right, the robe was sort of mine.

But because you're cheeky, I'll let you have the ring.

They're both mine.

No, they're not. Yes, they are.

HE SIGHS

What's your secret, pal?

I'm thrilled it's cancelled, to be honest.

My throat is wrecked. Yeah?

Burning the candle, I guess.

But I've still got free festival bollocks. Mm. Yeah.

Got a pair of wellies.. Hello.

..and some face paint.

I heard somewhere guests bring chocolate or wine.

How about weed?

Oh!

Oh, my God, I haven't had weed in ages, mate.

Oh!

I got to say, babes,

you are looking good.

You gargling moonlight, or what?

You happy with your lot?

All this, you know, you and Pat?

Dan.

Um, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all the time, obviously.

Do you have delight in your life?

Oh, stop.

How's Noddy?

Nellie, who keeps talking about us getting married.

Yeah? Yeah.

Apparently, that's what we really want.

When did you marry Jack?

Dan.