Double Parked

Yeah, but what is jizz?

Whoa.

- You know what I mean? Like, I know what sperm is.

- Sperm. - Yeah, I know, I know.

I just mean, like— - The component parts. - Exactly. Yeah.

- OK, well, the— the sperm is inside the, like— you know, the viscous stuff.

That's the semen. - I hate that word.

- It turns me on, actually. - (LAUGHS)

- Yeah, but that's what I'm asking. What's the viscous?

I'm like, is it spit?

Ta-da!

- These aren't your kidneys? - What is that? - Uh, no, they're the ovaries.

- Look like one of my mum's old necklaces.

- So where does old mate meet the sperm?

- Yeah, so the sperm comes up here. I think it's like...

OK, actually, I don't know if it's there or if it's there.

- They really should tell you how hard it is to get pregnant in sex ed.

- Oh, for God's sake. Don't even get me started.

- So I have to jerk off every time? - Yes.

- Yeah. It's better when it's fresh. - We need...

- What happens if, like, I can't... if I can't come?

- Well, you can do it here at home, if you want,

but then we just have to transfer it to the clinic within 30 minutes. - Ooh! I could do that.

That there could be me! I could be the juice jizz taxi.

- OK. - That would be so cool.

I'd be so good. - You would.

- It's just— Don't overthink it. You know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like, it's just... what you normally do.

- Yeah, OK. - You know, if you want to make it a special jizz session,...

- (LAUGHS) - ...we'll pop round the corner. We'll go on a ladies' walk.

- That's fine. - We'll reclaim the night. - No, no, don't do that.

- Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable is what we will do.

- OK. - Whatever you want.

- Can you also just stop pretending like you're not doing it all the time anyway?

OK, well, how often do you wank?

A lot.

OK.

Let's do it.

- Are you actually— You're actually keen?

Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Oh, Johnny!

- It's all right. Just don't be weird about it.

Whoo, Daddy!

Oh my God, Johnny!

And me! I'm in it too!

- Gotta say — this version of the ute —

not for me.

- Oh, please don't sniff it. Please don't sniff it.

- Why? Is it making you... horny? - No. It makes me feel really weird.

- Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so late! - That's all right.

- Anybody miss me? - Oh my God. Did we miss you? - Yeah.

- Yeah, we have not stopped gasbagging about ya. (CHUCKLES)

- God, I love my gay clients. They're always so fun!

Now, you must be dying to know about how your IVF's gone. - Yep, we are.

- All righty. This is that moment! I'm so excited.

Um... It's not that. Hang on.

That's my new driver's license. Let's just...

- Um, could it possibly be on the computer?

- No way it's gonna be on the computer, doll.

It is literally there for show because computers and I do not mix.

We don't get on. No, I find that the paper is actually a lot more efficient.

Now, hang on.

I have had it this morning cos I just looked at it before.

- It's quite the filing system you got over there.

- You know what? It's a lot more efficient than it looks.

I had my niece come in over the summer, and—

She's a lovely girl, huge pothead— but she's actually taken her time. It's quite good.

Ah, yes!

Nat and Steph.

Hooray! (CHUCKLES)

Oh my God!

- Oh no, I didn't mean hooray— I meant hooray for finding the file. - Oh. Right, yep.

- That was really quick. - Yeah.

All right. Um...

Yeah, no. So I'm really sorry, but you're not pregnant.

Right. Damn.

- Look, here's the thing. It definitely takes a few tries. - Yeah, we've— we've been trying.

This was our fourth try, so...

- Yeah. - God, what are we doing wrong?

- Is there anything we can, like, do or Steph can, like— Is there anything she can eat?

- I mean, you could have a lot more unprotected sex. Ha ha! That's...

No one's in the mood for jokes. Um...

Uh, no. Look, this is very much a part of the process, all right?

You do have a number of fertilised eggs from your last retrieval.

- Yeah. - OK?

So, really, we could start another round...

kind of when you're ready.

Yeah?

Mm.

Mm. Look at that.

Hmm. Little coffee spill.

Do you know what? Had a crown done.

All fell out. The coffee falls out.

Babe.

So you're not gonna drive into oncoming traffic, are ya? - No.

Can't be bothered. - That's the spirit. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Just feels like I'm failing at

a test that I've done the homework for, you know? - Mm.

Would a participation certificate feel fun or patronising?

- We're gonna have to deal with everyone's really sad, sympathetic faces as we tell them that,

nope, it didn't work...

again.

- I reckon we cancel Lily's birthday dinner.

- No, we can't, because we'll never hear the end of it. - It's not even her birthday.

- I know. I'm just having a moment, but I'll be fine.

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Yeah.

I'll be good by tonight.

Are you sure she wants to do that? - Eh, she's fine.

- No, we're not cancelling, OK? This is the first of my many birthday celebrations.

- You're turning 34, mate. It's hardly, like, a significant birthday.

- Yeah, but I've already told you guys the insignificant ones are my favourite.

- OK, then let's just get takeaways or something.

- No, she said cooking would be good for her process. - Really? It doesn't look like it.

Um... (SIGHS, SNIFFLES)

Dinner's ready.

Yay!

(SOBS)

Sorry. I think I cried into the gravy, so it's a bit salty.

- Nah, it's yum. - Yeah. I reckon that's your best one yet, baby.

Thanks.

Oh my God. Steph.

I'm really sorry about what happened to you today, but you're making my birthday party so bleak.

- Lily! - What? She is.

She won't stop crying. She looks like a panda.

- (GASPS) I think I have almost got it out of me.

- I barely even noticed it. - Thank you, Johnny. (SOBS)

- What?! We're supposed to be celebrating my 34th birthday.

- Lily, you have two more birthday dinners this week,

plus that zoo thing, which I— What is the zoo thing?

- Oh my God. It's like a night zoo party.

- And it's for grown-ups? - Yes! Oh my gosh.

- OK. - I put a deposit down. - You're totally right.

And I do. I really do need to stop crying, babe. (SNIFFLES)

- Maybe we just need to get more drunk.

- I don't know if that's a good idea. - Oh, go, go.

Whoo!

So there is power in bottoms? - Oh, yeah. No, you can be a power—

- Johnny! - Yeah! Whoo!

- Oh my God, Johnny. - And you got beers. Thank you. - I didn't even know you'd gone.

- You know what? I'm glad that I didn't get pregnant because I do not want to ruin my gorgeous body.

Oh! (COUGHS)

Give me another one.

Babe, did I tell you that my trainer said I have very strong deltoids?

Which ones are my deltoids?

I love you guys!

Oh!

Do you know what...

what really pisses... me off though?

People — hey just freak out about getting pregnant by accident.

But we can't even get pregnant on purpose. - Yes. Yes, like my friend Portia.

Remember her from high school? You know, her boyfriend's sperm was in the pool, and she was in the—

she hopped in the pool, and then it swam accidentally inside her. - Um, yeah, look,

I don't know Portia; I don't know your school. - It's anatomically impossible.

- But I definitely know that's impossible. - Sperm cannot, like...

- She was a virgin before that. Well, explain her kid. She's got, like, a 14-year-old now.

- Hey, pick up four. - I don't know. It could also be my sperm, though, you know?

Cos I've got my laptop in my lap all the time, so I could've just cooked my sperm.

- Nah, it's not your sperm. You've got really good sperm. It's...

Yeah, it's definitely my...

rotten eggs. - Sorry, Steph, you gotta pick up.

- Johnny, what the fuck? What? She said not to go easy on her.

It's fine. It's totally fine.

Four. - OK, What about this?

Don't get mad, but, like, have you ever just thought, Steph, that maybe it doesn't need to all be you?

What about Nat?

Just saying, you know? Like, your egg, but use Nat as the... - Microwave.

- Yeah, like the chef, the cook, you know? - Yeah.

- Or what if Nat just does the whole thing?

(STAMMERS) Oh.

Well, I mean, Nat doesn't wanna carry. - Nah, exactly.

I mean, she's on all the mummy blogs, and she follows all the mummy influencers.

I guess we haven't... ruled it out entirely.

Have we? No.

Have we not ruled it out, though?

It'll be weird, though — like, me and Johnny as a combo. Yeah.

- Not since, like, my year 12 semiformal. - Ooh, triggered.

Um... I mean, it's crazy, but... - Yeah.

...it kind of— it kind of makes sense.

- What? You— You think you and Johnny make sense?

- Yeah. I mean, what's stopping us? We've got the stuff.

- Because this is completely insane! - We've got all the stuff here though, right?

- Yes. I've got that tofurky baster thing from Midwinter Christmas.

- Wait, are you seriously serious about—? - What's stopping us?

What's stopping us? - Uh, because it's crazy, babe.

- Yeah, but like, fuck the clinic. Fuck the fertility clinic.

Why don't we just, like, you know, take the power back —

you know, all the embryo transfers and the waiting list and,

like, that weird woman at reception with the red hair who's always like, 'Oh, here they come again!'

You want a baby in your body?

I just want a family with you.

That's what I want. - (SIGHS)

- OK. Got it! I've got it! I've got it! I've got it!

I've got it. It's all clean. It's totally fine. (BLOWS)

So, Johnny, that's for you to into, you know?

And that's for you to... hwoop! - Oh.

- (STAMMERS) I don't know. - Can we just, you know, tie-ho on the— on the things?

Because, like, is it even a good time for you the moment? - Yeah. I mean, yeah.

Yeah, it is, but... - Oh, OK.

- Yeah. - Right.

- No, no, no. We can't. - Yeah, I just don't think this is, like, the appropriate forum