Dicktown - First Season

All right, Zeb. Hand it over.

No.

But I just proved that case belongs to my client.

Did you, though?

Zeb, when are you gonna cover these tubs, bro?

'Cause this water is really disgusting.

Okay, David. Yes, I did prove it.

‐The heat of the car engine... ‐ZEB: Right, right, right.

The fact that starlings aren't native to the United States.

‐The egg timer. ‐ZEB: Yeah, yeah.

‐We just went through this. ‐I guess you got me.

Right, thank you. Hand it over.

‐Nah. ‐(groans)

Okay, David. You're up.

Gimmie.

You touch me, you die.

Okay, Zeb. Get ready.

I'm about to touch you.

Oh, God!

Well, Zeb, looks like you're all wet.

Oh, my God.

I fucking zinged you Super Friends style.

Let's go.

Oh, fuck you, man!

I hope you get ass crabs from my stank‐ass tub water!

You know what, man? I'm offended.

What?

I was trying not to say anything,

but you did it again back there.

You said my client and really you should say our client.

What? No, it's my client.

And also I don't like how you

still call it Hunchman Investigations.

‐Ah, ten and two, David! ‐That name sucks.

‐It's my name. ‐Well, it stinks.

What would you call it?

I would call it, like,

Best Friends Crime Solvers, LLC.

‐(laughs) ‐That's a dope name.

All of those words are inaccurate,

including LLC, by the way.

‐I am incorporated. ‐Oh, my God.

You sound like PBS right now. No one gives a shit.

David, look, I'm a detective.

I've been a detective my whole life.

I know.

I've been helping you your whole life.

Helping‐‐how have you been helping me?

Oh, my God!

By keeping you busy and, like, drumming up business.

And this proves that the real

thief of the class hamster

was David Purfoy.

‐Shut up, nerd. ‐(grunts)

And so the great bubble gum swindle

could only have been pulled off by David Purfoy.

‐Eat floor, narc. ‐Hey!

Need I point out that the only person

who would bother to melt down

the tae kwon do team's trophy

to make it into a bong is David Purfoy?

‐Someone else shove him. ‐Hey!

You feed off me to survive.

You're like one of those little birds that lives

on the back of a rhinoceros eating bugs.

You're talking about the oxpecker bird?

(laughing) Yeah!

That's so perfect! You're the oxpecker!

‐I'm not the oxpecker. ‐You're a little oxpecker.

No, you‐‐you're the oxpecker. I'm the rhinoceros.

‐You work for me. ‐I'm the rhinoceros, man.

‐You're crazy. ‐How is that?

‐Whose car is this? ‐Oh.

Whose Fiero are you sitting in?

It's your Fiero.

I can tell because you wrote your name in Wite‐Out

on the glove compartment.

You knows, sometimes I think you only think of me as, like,

your muscle.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, David,

but that's right, you're muscle.

‐Wow. ‐That's what I need you for.

Okay.

I mean, Dicktown's a rougher place.

We're not teenagers anymore.

Uh, crime‐solving is completely different now.

‐Did you get it? ‐Hi, Tucker.

Yeah, we got it.

It smells like swimmer's farts.

So what's in that case, anyway?

Next week's AP History exam.

Well, I'm glad I could help

further the cause of justice.

‐Why did Zeb want them? ‐I don't know.

Some people just want to watch the world burn.

Also, he had another buyer at Small Mouth Poly Prep.

Oh, my God. Those snobs.

We used to call them Small Dick Probably Pervs.

‐Get it? ‐Yeah.

Anyway, Tucker, about our fee?

Right. Cash flow problem.

I gotta sell these before I can pay you.

Oh, come on, Tucker.

I gotta make house boat payments.

You haven't returned the drone I rented you.

‐Well, it's in the shop. ‐It's not our fault, Tucker.

Timothy tried to make love to it.

Who's Timothy?

My parents' labradoodle.

I told you not to tell him about that!

Yeah, the best I can do right now

is hook you up with another job.

A kid at school's being bullied online.

Hmm, a real person who needs actual help.

‐Yes, and she can pay. ‐Fine.

Forget about the drone and we're square.

‐It's a deal, detectives. ‐Ah, see?

He said "detectives," plural.

He's talking to me like I'm just his muscle.

That's not fair.

He also needs you to drive him around

because he doesn't have a license,

and people actually like you.

Everyone thinks he's a weirdo 'cause he works for teenagers.

‐(laughs) ‐Oh, Jesus, Tucker.

Hey, it's your brand.

Lean into it.

I'm the president of the school cosplay club.

We specialize in gender/race‐fluid cosplay

from the Pre‐Crisis DC Universe.

I'm writing that down to Google that later.

Don't worry, David. I‐I've got it.

Go on.

We post photos

to an invite‐only Instagram account,

but two weeks ago, someone hacked our password

and all these trolls started spamming our feed with abuse.

Uh‐huh, and what did you do to provoke them?

‐Whoa, David. ‐What?

Victim‐blame much?

Whoa, John. Virtue‐signal much?

Enough with the PBS words.

The answer is, I did provoke them.

I cosplayed as Aquaman.

I don't get it. Everyone loves Aquaman.

Apparently this troll army feels I de‐centered

the white male Atlantis experience,

which I totally did

and they wish they could handle it.

You know, honestly, Monica,

it sounds like you're on top of this.

Oh, I am. We talked to Instagram.

They're shutting it all down, but there's a ring leader.

Oh, who's the ring leader?

I'm going to assume it's a cis white male.

His handle is AltRightPepeMilkman.

Someone's leaning into his brand.

I just wanna know who he is.

I don't cosplay with a mask

and I don't respect anyone who does.

Understood.

With great cosplay comes great responsibility.

We'll find this guy.

Wait, so who are you cosplayed as right now?

‐David! ‐What?

She's Mon‐El of Daxam.

I don't know who the fuck that is.

Superboy discovered him. He thought he was his cousin.

I don't read comic books about Superboy and his little cousin.

He discovered him on a‐‐ on a Monday,

so he called him "Mon‐El," but it turned out‐‐

‐Are you serious? ‐This is true.

Same powers. Same powers.

From the Legion of Super‐Heroes.

I don't know what that is, man.

Monica, we'll talk to you later.

It was really nice to meet you.

We have to go now.

Long live the legion.

Long live the legion.

Heavenly Father, please forgive these nerds.

Kryptonians are vulnerable to Kryptonite.

I don't give a shit!

The Daxamites are vulnerable to lead.

I don't care. Let's go.

Oh, yes. Cyber sleuthing.

Just like the '90s promised.

I'm hunting a bully using only my wits and fast typing skills,

just like a young David Strathairn in Sneakers.

Now, I've cross‐referenced the frequent users

of every Aquaman fan site I could find.

There are 24,000 candidates.