NCIS: Sydney

Remember, Lisa, the Manly ferry takes no prisoners.

You told me, like, a hundred times already.

Even the wake could flip us.

Stop kayak-splaining, will you?

What the hell is he doing?

He can see us, right?

Oi!

Hey!

Oi! Stop!

- Hey! - Hey!

- Stop! - Hey!

Oi!

Moron!

We should call the cops.

Totally. Once we open it.

- Are you kidding me? - Why, are you scared?

Of course I am.

It's a new take on "buried at sea".

Meet Petty Officer Third Class Ezra Stokes,

23 in May.

I take it he wasn't meant to be in there?

That's a negative.

On Cinderella liberty

from the USS Neimeyer.

Due back on board

at the stroke of midnight last night.

My guess is he's only been dead a few hours.

There's no rigor mortis, no lividity.

He's lost a lot of blood, maybe even exsanguinated.

Less Latin, mate. For the primary school kids.

Ah, of course, I'm sorry.

Drained of blood,

perhaps even in toto,

meus amicus.

Now, given his age and size,

I'd say he's lost up to five liters of premium blood,

AB negative, according to his dog tags.

How does someone even do that?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked.

Hmm?

Eugh.

Please tell me they're needle marks.

Teeth.

Canine, specifically.

So we're thinking wild dog, maybe?

Nah. Smaller jaw.

One bite, very precise.

Come again?

I'm just saying

that if it looks like a vampire

and it sucks like a vampire...

Come on, Doc,

there's no vampires in Sydney.

Yeah, not in Sydney. Real estate's too exy.

Yeah. Melbourne. Lots of vampires in Melbourne.

Yeah.

Y'all know there's no such thing

as vampires, period.

Ooh!

I think D's a little spooked.

Please, I was born south of the 105, east of the 110.

It's vampires who should be afraid of DeShawn Jackson.

So why are you suddenly talking in third person?

You're shaking in your sneakers.

I'm not... I'm not scared.

- Constable Cooper. - Uh...

Thanks for calling me back.

- This was in the vic's pocket. - Yeah, great.

Oh.

- It's from the Hell Hole. - Which is...?

It's like the Hard Rock Cafe of Goth clubs.

In Berlin, Santiago and Sydney, apparently.

You got all that from a drinks coaster?

I'm a cop. You should try it sometime.

Spoke to the coffin makers.

This one's a custom job.

And get this -

they made 25 for a private client last year.

Who the hell needs 25 coffins?

Let's find out. You can be Xander.

I'll be Buffy.

Uh, I got it.

This is a young sailor with a family, okay?

There's no way I'm telling Mom and Dad

Dracula did it, all right?

Let's go.

- Here. - You play too much.

Always saying that I'm scared.

- I ain't scared. - Yeah, right.

Bring your garlic and wooden stake?

Just remember,

it's the skeptics that get got first.

Can I help you?

We're looking for Dawn Lazar.

Whom should I say is calling?

- NCIS Sydney. - AFP.

Two for the price of one.

Wow, the Draculas live here

while I'm living in a mate's garage.

Starting to question my life choices.

Sucks to be you.

- 'Fangs' very much. - Nice!

Bine ai venit.

Welcome.

All right, people,

turning around for the hero shot of the vodka.

- This is frame 28... - Thank you, Atticus, darling.

Extra Tabasco.

What would I do without you?

Forgive me.

Big night.

Bloody Mary, Sergeant?

Or perhaps a virgin?

They're almost as good and you can have as many as you like.

So the coffin...

..was one of several you ordered, apparently.

One can never have too many coffins, am I right?

We use them for merchandising.

We fill them with ice and vodka bottles

at our promotional events.

You should come to our big party on the full moon.

It's tonight.

You definitely should.

Yeah, when did you s-say that was again?

The full moon. Tonight, remember?

What's the celebration?

A big partnership deal

that my son Nicholai has been working on.

Kiss of Death is going global.

Do you recognize this man?

Cute.

But no. Why?

He's dead.

Found in one of your coffins, drained of blood.

That's terrible!

- When? - Last night.

Our dead guy also has fang marks on his neck

and you have, well, very sharp teeth.

One should never judge a book by its cover, Sergeant.

Sure, but you can see how one might on this occasion.

If you're asking if I killed this young man

and put him in one of my coffins, I did not.

Self-promotion is one thing, but that's taking it too far.

So you're telling me that this is all for show?

Playing Queen of the Vampires sells vodka, Agent Mackey.

I'm allergic to garlic,

but that's about as close as I come to being a vampire.

But can we confirm that you're missing a coffin?

Uh, possibly.

You'll need to talk to Nicholai, our brand manager.

He's around here somewhere.

Get Atticus to find my son

and have him meet us in the piano room.

That is some serious girl power.

Mm, I can see who wears the capes in the Lazar family.

We follow an ancient matrilineal succession system.

Okay, so this is you.

- Who's this? - That's my daughter, Celeste.

- Is she next in line? - Supposed to be.

Bit of a black sheep.

- Ah, here's Nicholai now. - Nicholai Lazar.

- How can I help? - Jim Dempsey, AFP.

This is Special Agent Mackey, NCIS.

One of your coffins

washed up in the harbor this morning.

So they send in the Marines?

You have an event at the Hell Hole last night?

Yeah, it was Mum's birthday,

but it also doubled as a soft launch for our new vodka label.

Nicholai never misses a marketing opportunity.

He's a genius, really.

Dusted off a 500-year-old legacy business

and turned it into the hottest liquor brand on the market.

It took me every one of those 500 years to convince you.

What exactly is this about?

This guy.

You recognize him?

Uh, maybe?

I'm not sure.

A bunch of sailors crashed our party last night.

Nice guys, but they couldn't hold their vodka.

What happened to him?

He was drained of all of his blood

and ended up in one of your coffins.

That's... That's horrendous.

Who'd do something like that?

They think I did, darling.

No, seriously, what happened?

We're still working on that.

Well...

I'm really sorry. Do you mind? I've got to take this.

Please, if there's anything I can help with, just call.

Excuse me.

Nicholai Lazar.

Ah!

Thanks for your time.

Remind me why we aren't taking our resident vamp in

for further questioning.

Somehow I doubt she's gonna give us anything more

than she already has.