Modern Family

I don't remember buying

these fresh peaches.

Aah!

Apologies, Serge.

My wife, Claire, seems to have forgotten

that I'm holding office hours

for my Intro to Real Estate class here at home.

So, when I walked to the laundry room

10 minutes ago in my bra...

That was kind of perfect, actually.

I had just made a point

about how buildings from the early '70s

were holding up surprisingly well.

So maybe I'll...

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right, see you in class, buddy.

What a great kid.

That's why I chucked it all for a life in academia, Claire.

It's a special feeling

knowing that there's a young man walking around out there

who you helped mold, who you can be proud of.

Hey, Dad. Hey. You know?

You're up early.

What are you talking about?

I hugged you from behind earlier.

You know, I said, "I don't remember buying this six pack."

Then you did that funny Eastern European accent...

"I don't want trouble.

I just want to learn."

Should we be concerned about group-molesting Serge?

And aren't you at the minimum number of students

before they cancel your class? Not to worry.

Serge worships me, and the rest of the class is super solid.

Plus, it's the last day to drop classes anyway.

Oh, speaking of that,

I'm thinking about dropping history.

How come? It's not really exciting me.

Plus, we've got this huge paper due today

that I haven't quite finished starting.

It's on the Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine?

Oh, no.

Junior year history class,

I wrote the perfect paper.

Strong thesis, impeccable supporting arguments.

I quoted from the letters of a White House footman

who recalled Monroe calling to him from the bath,

"Beauregard, fetch me my breeches.

We have a doctrine!"

I got a "C."

Oh, so you agree with that grade, huh?

Don't patronize me.

Captions by VITAC...

Mmm. The food at the club

has gotten so much lighter and healthier.

We had a run of angina attacks,

so we had to go heart-healthy.

We said goodbye to our social chairman, Herb,

and our butter fountain in the same weekend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Mr. Pritchett.

I'll take this when you're ready.

Thank you, Maria. Oh, Maria,

that's a beautiful name. That's why it's often sung.

But you're not going to...

And curtain. Okay, they just started letting gays in here.

Don't make them regret it.

You might also wanna tell Sharona

to steer clear of the table. Yes.

Yeah, well, I should probably save my energy

for my performance tonight anyway.

Oh, darn. Gloria and I have tickets to, um...

Um...

Don't worry, Jay. It's... It's not for you.

Oh, good. I didn't know where I was going with that.

Tonight is a fundraiser at Lily's school.

We're, you know, raising money for the kids.

A night of song and sketch.

All the dads are performing. Well...

most of the dads.

Proud of you, son.

Ah, it's not a complete victory.

I still have to watch it, so...

Thanks for breakfast, Dad. Hey,

I love spending time with you two!

Every month I've gotta burn off a minimum at the club,

and literally, everybody else I knew was busy.

That's also why I give a lot of birthday presents

from the pro-shop. You know, mugs

and visors that say "Kiss My Putter,"

"Talk Birdie To Me."

Quality items. Everybody wins.

So, if you're not rushed,

you should treat yourself to our spa.

You know, get a couple of, uh...

a couple of standard treatments.

Oh, well, you're so generous.

Might I say you look very handsome

in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.

They also make it in "Queen's coral"... oh, no.

Did I spoil your birthday? Sounds like you might.

Oh.

What's so funny? Oh, it's just that

I've been e-mailing this mom at school.

We both volunteer together.

You... You e-mail? It's harmless. Listen.

"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing around the planetarium with you.

Your jokes were out of this world."

Hm, okay. So, if it's so harmless,

I'm sure Gloria knows about this flirty quipstress.

Don't make something out of this.

Oh, my God. Oh!

That's why he's wearing the shirt.

Because it makes your blue eyes pop.

I'm not letting you magpies dirty this up.

Oh, uh...

"Park by the swings

so I can help you carry stuff in."

"Park by the swings

so I can help you carry stuff in."

You're sullying this, and I'm leaving!

Okay, well, say "hi" to your girlfriend. She's not my girlfriend.

The only reason we're paired together

is because our kids are in the same reading group.

Oo-ooh!

Damn it!

I love when we "ooh."

We used to do that all the time, and then we stopped.

Why? I don't know.

Joe!

Why did I find your eye patch

in the garbage? I don't know.

Were you throwing away another parking ticket?

Okay, you have to put it on.

Why? My lazy eye is fixed.

Okay, I'm over here,

and it's only one more week.

And you look tough,

like a little warlord.

Oh, that's Liam's mom.

See you after school.

Okay, papi, but promise me

that you're going to wear the eye patch

the whole day. I will.

I can't believe you don't trust me.

Two days ago,

I caught you trying to copy

a $20 bill in the printer.

Dad says I get to pick what we watch on TV

when I start making my own money.

Go to school.

If you guys are ready,

me and Julio will get started.

Oh, by any chance, did you guys meet down by the schoolyard?

Ohh.

Oh, that's the spot.

Ohhh, yeah.

Oo-o-ooh!

Now I'm remembering why we haven't had

a couples massage since our honeymoon.

Aruba.

That's not where we went.

That's the noise he made.

Arrruuuubaaaa.

Cam, could you just...

just... shh.

I'm sorry. Thank you.

Ohh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna call it.

Mm? Mm-hmm. Nope.

What happened? Was he forward?

No, I just can't relax with you making these noises.

Well, I can't relax without making the noises.

Which is why I'm leaving. Thank you, Julio,

and I'm sorry. I-I didn't catch your name.

It's Aweema-weh.

Good luck to you both. Okay.

Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.

Hey, Mom. Everything all right?

Of course. I just felt like making a stop

by the hallowed halls of community college.

What's with the police tape?

Oh, some frat guys decided

to drive the dean's office to Burning Man.

Okay. Well, anyhoo,

since we're here,

before you drop that history class,

could you possibly turn in an old paper of mine?

I would love to get a second opinion on it.

Sure,

but you know you just did something weird

and I didn't ask a single follow-up question?

Yeah.

You owe me one of those.

How'd you even get an old paper on a thumb drive?

It was easy.

Ish.

The old paper was on an old format,