Seinfeld

So I'm on the plane. We left late.

Pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time."Isn't that interesting?

They just make up time.

That's why you have to reset your watch.

Of course when they say they're making up time...

...obviously, they're increasing the speed of the aircraft.

Now my question is, if you can go faster...

...why don't you just go as fast as you can...

...all the time?

Come on. There's no cops up here. Nail it. Give it some gas.

We're flying.

Travelling, of course, is the best education.

You know, last year...

...I was ill for 40, 45 countries...

...and I would've gone to more, but I'd just got a puppy.

And he was too young to take with me.

But not now. I won't travel without him.

- Is he on the plane now? - Oh, yes.

Yes, he's in the baggage compartment.

I don't know why they won't let him sit up here with me.

He's a lot better behaved than most of the dregs...

...you find onboard here.

You have any pets?

Just my next-door neighbour.

Well...

...you are missing out on a relationship...

...that could enrich your life in ways that you never even thought possible.

How about picking up their-? You know.

You find that enriching?

- What's the matter? - Oh, I'm feeling a bit...

...queasy.

Sir, we're gonna make an emergency landing in Chicago...

...and get you to a hospital.

My dog.

What about my dog?

You have a dog?

Do you know anyone on the plane, Mr. Palone?

Jerry.

How you feeling?

Would you take care of Farfel?

Farfel?

It's his dog. We're landing in Chicago to get him to a hospital.

- Could you take his dog to New York? - The dog?

- The dog? - I'm sure it's only for a day or two.

But, you know- What if, you know...?

Give me your address and phone number. I'll call you.

The dog?

Let go, Farfel.

Let go. Give me that.

Give me that sneaker, you stupid idiot.

Shut up!

So, what would you do?

It's only been three days. I'm sure he's gonna call.

Stop it! Shut up!

Do you believe this? Do you believe what I'm dealing with?

I got a wild animal in the house.

He'd deranged. Maybe he's got rabies. I can get lockjaw.

- If only. - Look at this place.

He's going everywhere.

I can't go out of the house at night. I haven't performed in three days.

This will be my first night out since I got back.

Hey, when you walk him, do you...?

Do I what?

Do you pick it up?

Yes, I pick it up.

- You pick it up? - Well, you have to.

Oh, boy, would I love to see that.

Shut up!

Shut up, Farfel! Stop it!

I don't know what to do.

What if I take it to the pound, then the guy shows up?

You should call the airline. They might know where he is.

No, I tried. They don't know anything. You gotta put the syrup in first.

- No, milk. - I'm telling you. The guy's a drunk.

He's probably on a bender.

What is a bender anyhow?

I don't know. They drink and they bend things at the bar. I don't know.

I can't believe he hasn't called.

Two hundred seats on a plane...

...I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.

Shut up!

One more day, and you are pound-bound!

Hey, I'm sorry. I can't watch the dog tonight.

- Why? - We're going to the movies.

We're gonna see Prognosis Negative.

I can't. I gotta get this Ellen out of my life.

- You're breaking up? - Oh, yeah.

The sooner the better. I can't wait to do it.

You know some people you worry about whether or not...

...you're gonna hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it.

Boy, I'd like to get it on video.

Watch it in slow motion and freeze-frame it.

Kramer, I don't know how you lasted as long as you did.

You didn't like her?

If you could see her personality...

...it'd be like one of the Elephant Man exhibits...

...where they pull off the sheet and everyone gasps.

I can't believe someone hasn't killed her yet.

How come you never said anything?

You can't tell someone how you feel about their girlfriend...

- ... till after they stop- - I tell you.

You. I'm talking about people.

Are we still going to the movies tonight?

No, I can't. I gotta watch Farfel. You and George can go without me.

- Just me and George? - Sure.

But we need you.

What do you need me for?

Because.

- Yeah? - Prognosis Negative.

Because I relate to George through you.

We're more like...

...friends-in-law. Besides, we said we'd see Prognosis Negative together.

Can't you put some newspapers down or something?

No, I can't trust him. He gets insane. I won't enjoy myself.

That's right, Farfel, I'm talking about you!

Just me and George alone?

Let's go, people. Let's go. It's Prognosis Negative time.

I can't go.

- You can't go? Why not? - Because I have to watch idiot Farfel.

- I thought Kramer was watching him. - He's breaking up with his girlfriend.

What's the problem? Just put newspaper down.

No, I don't want that smell in the house.

- You spritz a little Lysol on it- - No.

It's like BO and cologne.

They combine forces into some kind of strange mutant funk.

So we're not going?

Nah. You two go.

You still wanna go?

Do you?

If you want.

- It's- It's up to you. - Go ahead.

Well, I really wanted to see Prognosis Negative with Jerry.

You wanna see Ponce de Leon?

Ponce de Leon?

Okay.

- You sure you don't wanna go? - I want to, but I can't.

Oh! I tell you what.

How about if I come back here first and I clean everything up?

And I open up the windows, and if you're still not satisfied...

- ... we switch apartments for the night. - No.

- What about this-? - Forget it.

Go ahead. You'll have a good time.

- I know. It's not that. - I just want you to go.

Well, thank you very much.

I'm telling you, one more day, stink breath!

On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs...

...and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags...

...which to me is just the lowest function of human life.

If aliens are watching this through telescopes...

...they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders.

If you see two life forms, one of them is making a poop...

...the other one's carrying it for him...

Who would you assume is in charge?

So how long did you live there?

About three years.

That's pretty long.

- It's not that long, really. - Yeah.

- Do you-? - So-

- And then you came here. - Yeah.

So I've been here about six years.

'86, '87, '88, '89, '90...

...'91.

Yep.

Bad dog.

Bad dog!

You go outside!

Outside!

What do you want from me? Tell me.

Money? You want money?

I'll give you money. How much?

I must have been out of my mind. Look at you.

Why don't you do something with your life?

You sit around here all day. You contribute nothing to society!

You're just taking up space!

I mean, how can I be with someone like you?

Wouldn't respect myself.

I like herbal tea.

Chamomile's good.

Lemon Lift.

Almond Pleasure.

Jerry likes Morning Thunder.

- Jerry drinks Morning Thunder? - Yeah.

Morning Thunder has caffeine in it. Jerry doesn't drink caffeine.

Jerry doesn't know Morning Thunder has caffeine in it.

- You don't tell him? - No.

And you should see him. Man, he gets all hyper.

He doesn't even know why. He loves it.

He walks around going, "God, I feel great!"

- You don't tell him? - No.

- That is so funny. - I know.

Have you ever seen him throw up?

Please!

Please!

I take it all back!

Everything. I take it all back! Every word!

I love you!

I love you!

I can't live without you! I'll do anything!