The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw

What's that, tea? Take it away.

Poison. I never touch it. Give me some port.

- Sir. - The only possible thing for gout, port.

Now then, have you located my nephew yet?

No, sir. It is to be assumed that Mr. Jonathan is still on holiday, sir.

But he started in May. It's now September.

- He's missing the partridges. - Well, he'd do that anyhow, sir.

Mr. Jonathan is never happy with a gun in his hand, sir.

Nor is anybody who gets within half a mile of him.

Your correspondence might convey some indication of his whereabouts.

I can't read them without my glasses. Has anybody found them yet?

Ah, Toynbee. Nobody told me you'd got here. Where have you been?

- In the library. - In the library?

You won't find my nephew there.

No, but I found your glasses.

- Where were they? - In a French novel.

Not a very nice novel.

Just a minute.

Where are you going with that? A party?

No, sir.

- Kidneys, who are they for? - Mr. Jonathan's feeling peckish.

Mr. Jonathan? Where is he?

- In the coach-house, sir. - In the coach...?

- What's he doing there? - He's working on his contraption, sir.

What do you mean, scouring the countryside for my nephew...

...when he's in the coach-house?

- I looked for him there on the 31st ult. - Today is the fourth inst.

Take that back to the house at once.

Look here. Get down there. You're my lawyer.

Tell him if he doesn't report tomorrow morning at 9:00, I shall disinherit him.

- Very good, sir. - Get on.

At the double, at the double!

- Mr. Tibbs, Mr. Tibbs. - Ah, dear Mr. Toynbee.

Your uncle has instructed that you be at Tibbs & Company...

...at 9:00 tomorrow morning.

Otherwise, you will be disinherited.

I have here a document dealing with the financial position of the company.

Scarcely the place to give you all the details...

...but I would advise you that Tibbs & Company...

- ...is on the verge of bankruptcy. - Dear sir, how are you?

Don't bother with Tibbs & Company...

...and verges of bankruptcy and all that.

Here, take a look at my latest invention.

It's going to make us all a fortune.

- What is it meant to be? - What is it meant to be?

Mr. Toynbee. Sir, allow me to enlighten you.

This is a horseless carriage.

What's the use of a carriage without a horse?

I will demonstrate. Now, watch closely.

So far, I've only managed to make it go up and down.

But if ever I should succeed in making it go to and from...

...just think what that would mean.

However, I have made a few adjustments, and this may do the trick.

Watch.

It's quite safe, Mr. Toynbee. Come back, sir.

It's perfectly all right, Mr. Toynbee. It's safe as houses.

I'll wager you that I'll drive to the office in it tomorrow.

Nice and early, when it's quiet.

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Mr. Tibbs.

Ah, Mr. Tibbs, sir, this is a pleasure.

- My dear old Mason, how are you? - I'm very good, sir.

- Has Mr. Toynbee arrived? - No, but he's expected.

- I say, what the devil's this? - The gun is a derringer, sir.

- A what? - A derringer.

Good heavens, looks like a funny little pop pistol to me.

Yes, it may be small, but believe me, sir, it's highly dangerous.

Do you know, sir, a gun exactly like this...

...was used to assassinate Abraham Lincoln.

- You amaze me. - Indeed, sir.

And what's all this contraption?

Well, the attachment is a device that we are developing, sir.

For gentlemen who might like to stroll around darkest Africa or somewhere...

...wearing a gun which will not cause an unsightly bulge in a well-cut suit.

I say, that's a perfectly splendid idea, eh?

- Well, how does it work, old Mason? - May I demonstrate?

Please do. I'm a bit of an inventor.

Well, you see, sir, it's fixed to the arm.

The gun is held in place by a spring until the muscle is flexed.

Then it is propelled forward into the hand.

Well, go on, show me.

It doesn't seem to work very well, eh?

- I'm afraid it isn't quite perfected yet. - Good morning, gentlemen.

- Good morning. - You're late.

- Good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Toynbee.

So nice to see you, sir. Do sit down.

Isn't it another lovely day?

Now, perhaps in quiet, clean, peaceful surroundings...

...we can discuss the financial situation.

Yes, never mind the financial situation for the moment.

Since yesterday, I've been doing a spot of thinking.

You surprise me.

You know, family tradition, responsibility and all that nonsense.

You mean to say you're willing to enter the firm?

Well, you were probably right.

Who'd want a horseless carriage anyway?

Mr. Tibbs, I congratulate you on your decision. You'll never regret it.

Thank you. Now, my dear Mr. Toynbee, my very dear Mr. Toynbee.

What, in your considered opinion...

...is the quickest way to put this firm back on its feet?

I've never given it much thought...

...but I suggest that I'd say, sell more guns.

Exactly. I don't know much about business and that sort of thing...

...but it seems that if you want to sell anything...

...you must take that thing to the place where it's most in demand.

- Very logical. - Good.

I read in my Times that they're having a spot of trouble in the West.

I mean the American West.

Apparently, there's some frightful female there called Jesse James.

She's shooting at everyone.

Are you proposing to take our guns to the colonies?

- They haven't been for some time. - Once a colony, always a colony.

Mark my words, one day they'll realize their mistake and beg to be taken back.

- Hear, hear. - But to me, the place for a proprietor...

...is within the four walls of his own establishment.

But don't you see, my dear old Toynbee...

...I could sell more guns there in one day...

...than the firm has sold since the old boy started it in...

In 1605.

America, of course. Coming in contact with Tibbs' guns.

One of the finer things of life.

Might well raise the level of the whole country.

The place to sell Tibbs' guns is in the Wild West...

...and that's where I'm going.

- Have a drink. - No, really, sir.

- Come on, have a drink. - Thank you, thank you, no.

- Excuse me, do you mind? - Of course not.

Sir, I am the inventor of the Wainwright Cure-all Liniment.

- Oh, will it cure him? - I think he's applied some internally.

That's great stuff, you know. It even makes hair grow.

I have plenty of hair, thank you.

Yeah, but you could lose it.

- We're going through Indian country. - You don't say.

There you are. I thought you'd run out on me.

- Have a drink. - I'd better have a drop.

- It might quieten him. - Excuse me.

- You going to Deadwood? - No, Fractured Jaw.

- Ain't anybody ever told you about that? - About what?

Well, the Box T Ranch and the Lazy S...

...started a range war over the water rights.

- Really? - Ain't you ever seen a range war?

Uh... No, no, I can't say I have.

Well, if you get in between the Box T and the Lazy S, you're sure dead.

You see, the Box T men are out to kill the Lazy S men every chance they get.

That is, unless the Lazy S men get to the Box T men first.

And they're both out to kill a stranger in case he's on the other side.

As I won't align myself with either faction, I shouldn't have any difficulty.

If what you say is true, it should be a splendid place to sell guns.

Come on, come on, have a drink. Come on, come on.

No, thank you.

- Boy, you're a brave man. - No, sir, I'm not brave.

I intend to mind my own business, that's all.

Should an unforeseen situation develop...

...a firm hand, that's what's needed always.

A firm hand. You mark my words.

Indians, Indians. Indians!

By George!

Savages. I'd hoped to catch a glimpse of some while I was here.

We are bouncing along. Hold on to your hat.

It's not my hat that worries me, it's my head.

Do you think they're hostile?

Good heavens.

This is ridiculous. Why doesn't somebody talk to them about this?

Nobody who gets near enough to talk ever lives long enough to say anything.

If my Grandfather Digby were here...

...he'd have those savages eating out of his hand.

Eating out of it, or eating it?

There never was a savage who could look that man in the eye.

Put down a rebellion in Karachi single-handed, my grandfather did.

Savages, cease firing!

You know, I feel very strongly about this.

Somebody should have a word with these natives.

Well, if you can remember what your Grandfather Digby said...

...I beg of you.

If any of you fellas got a gun, you'd better save the last bullet for yourselves.

We can't just sit here waiting to be turned into mincemeat.

My word.

Well, I don't suppose I'm half the man that Grandfather Digby was.

But I'll have a word with our fine-feathered friend.

Driver, wait here.

Afraid it's the last time we're gonna see that Englishman.

I don't understand a word.

Come along, get on your feet.

Now listen to me, my good man.

That coach was traveling at a legal rate on a public highway.

Your interference is not only unjustified, it's positively dangerous.

I won't make an issue of the fact that I'm a British subject.

Because your attack upon these American citizens is equally unwarranted.

Now, take this rather silly-looking hatchet and trot along home.

There's a good chap.

No hard feelings?

Splendid. Good day, sir.

- You seen what I seen? - I think I seen.

Why, that tenderfoot Englishman drove off all them redskins single-handed.

Ain't anybody gonna believe us, looking at him.

Gentlemen, I think that little incident calls for a nice cup of tea, don't you?

Driver, stop at the first place en route.

Indians! Indians! Redskins!

Duck, everybody, duck! Indians!

- Duck, everybody! - Relax, my friend, relax.