Friends

Dr. Johnson, you have a call on line 7.

She's not here yet. She's having my baby and she's not here.

- Everything's fine. Has her water broken? - I don't know.

But when I spoke to her, she said she'd already passed the mucus plug.

Do we have to know about that?

What are you gonna do when you have a baby?

I'm gonna be in the waiting room, handing out cigars.

Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s.

Aah, I don't believe this. I mean, she could be giving birth in the cab.

Oh, Ross, relax.

It's only like $2 for the first contraction...

...and then 50 cents each additional contraction.

What, it's okay when Chandler does it?

You have to pick your moments.

- Hi. Did I miss it? Did I miss it? - No, she's not even here yet.

- Oh. What's with the guitar?

I just thought we might be here for a while, so, you know, things might get musical.

Hey, where the hell have you been? - We stopped at the gift shop.

I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Susan wanted a... You're having a baby. A baby. You don't stop for Chunkys.

- I used to have that bumper sticker. - Ha, ha.

You see what I mean?

- "Stopped for a Chunky." - Let it go, Ross.

I got an extra one. You want this?

No.

Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

Dr. Franzblau. Hi.

So I understand you're thinking of having a baby.

Wow.

I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start.

- How you doing with your contractions? - Oh, I love them.

Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

Ha, ha. They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Fifty-nine seconds. Quartz. Ha.

Swiss quartz. Ha, ha.

- Am I allowed to drink anything? - Ice chips, just ice chips.

- They're at the nurses' station. - I'll get them.

No, I'm getting it. Be right back. - No, I got it. I'm getting it.

Hi. Thought you might like some ice chips.

Thanks.

And if you need anything else, I...

...do not believe we have met. Hi.

I'm Rachel Green.

I'm Carol's ex-husband's sister's roommate. Ha, ha.

It's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau.

I'm your roommate's brother's ex-wife's obstetrician.

Oh, that's funny.

I want a baby.

Hmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Get up. Come on, let's get some coffee.

Oh, okay, because we never do that.

Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Or just fall down. That's good too.

Knick fan? Oh, yeah.

- Oh, boy, do they suck. - Hey, listen, lady, I...

Whoa.

Look. Look at your man Ewing. Nice shot.

You know, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Oh, yeah? And who do you like?

- Celtics. - Celtics? Ha!

They couldn't hit a boat if... Wait.

They suck, all right?

Shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You...

- Aah! Aah! - Oh. Aah.

Uh, let me get the father. Hey!

We need a father over here! We need a father!

There's no father.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's okay. I'm fine. I'm...

- Oh! - Oh, uh...

Okay. All right. Uh, right this way.

All the other pregnant women seem to be going in here.

Okay.

They're tiny and chubby And so sweet to touch

But soon they'll grow up And resent you so much

Now they're yelling at you And you don't know why

And you cry and you cry and you cry

- Thanks, Ross. - Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Okay.

Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

- You'll get one. - Oh, yeah? When?

I'll tell you what.

When we're 40, if neither of us are married...

...what do you say you and I have one?

Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Oh, no, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Okay, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

- No, no, no. - No, no, what is it? Seriously.

Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

- Uh... Uh... - Well?

Dear God. This parachute is a knapsack.

- Hey. - Hey. Ooh.

- Look at you, dressy-dress. - Yeah.

Did you go home and change?

Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice.

Um, has Dr. Franzblau been by?

No, I haven't seen him.

Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here.

What if the baby needs him?

Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors?

- Is, like, your father a doctor? - Yeah. Why?

No reason.

Mom, we've been through this.

No, I am not calling him.

I don't care if it is his kid. The guy's a jerk.

No, I am not alone. Joey's here.

What do you mean, "Joey who?"

Joey who?

- Tribbiani. - Joey Tribbiani.

Yes. Okay. Hold on.

- She wants to talk to you. - No.

Take the phone.

Hi. Yeah, it's me.

Oh, no, no, no. We're just friends. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm single.

Twenty-five.

An actor.

Hello?

- She's not much of a phone person. - Yeah.

So, uh, what's the deal with this father guy?

I mean, if someone was having my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it.

Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Um, no.

Okay. Uh, look, maybe I should just go.

- Maybe you should. - Good luck.

And, uh, take care, huh?

Know what the Celtics' problem is? They let the players run the team.

Oh, that is so not true.

- Oh, it is. It is. - It isn't. Isn't.

- Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. - Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

You're gonna kill me!

- Fifteen more seconds. Fourteen, 13, 12... - Count faster.

It's gonna be okay. We're doing it for Jordy. Keep focusing on Jordy.

Who the hell is Jordy?

- Your son. - Whoa, whoa whoa.

I don't have a son named Jordy.

We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend...

...so we went back to Jordy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean, "back to Jordy"? We never landed on Jordy.

We just passed by it during the whole Jesse/Cody/Dillon fiasco.

Ow, ow, ow!

- What? What? What? - Leg cramp, leg cramp.

I got it. I got it. - I got it. I'm doing it.

You get to sleep with her. I get the cramps.

No, you don't.

- That is it. I want both of you out. - What?

- She started it. - He started it.

I don't care.

I'm trying to get a person out of my body here...

...and you're not making it any easier. Now go!

- Thanks a lot. - See what you did?

- Yeah. Listen... - Out.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

Oh, no.

Ew.

What is that? Something exploded.

It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Water breaking? What do you mean? What's that, water breaking?

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

- Oh, please. This is so your fault. - How? How is this my fault?

Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

- Are you trying to be clever? - You are so threatened by me.

- Everything I say is a problem. Hey, hey, hey. Okay. All right.

That's it. Get in here. Come on.

My God, you guys. I don't believe you.

There are children coming into the world in this very building...

...and your fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing.

So just stop all the yelling! Just stop it!

Yeah, Susan.

Don't make me do this again! I don't like my voice like this!

Okay, who wants to hear something ironic?

Help!

Come on! Help!

I'm having a baby in there! Hello?

- Help! Okay, everyone stand back.

Ow.

Are they here yet?

No, honey, but don't worry, we're gonna find them.

And until we do, we are all here for you, okay?

- Okay. Okay. Okay?

Anyway, you were telling me about Paris. It sounds wonderful.

It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel...

There you go, dear. You...

Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push.

Push him out, push him out. Harder, harder.

Push him out, push him out. Way out.

Let's get that ball and really move. Hey, hey. Ho, ho.

Let's get...

I was just... Yeah, okay.

Push, push, push.

What are you gonna do, suck the door open?

- Help! Help! Help! - Help!

And they found their bodies The very next day