Desperate Housewives

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

I need a C.F.O. I'm prepared to give you

stock options, access to the company jet.

Tom got a job offer he couldn't refuse.

- I am in. - Yes!

At dialysis, Susan made a friend.

Beth took her life,

which led to Susan getting a kidney...

Honor Beth's life by allowing you to make her well.

And Felicia being freed.

I just heard from the parole board.

They've decided to grant your request

for humanitarian release.

Alex left me.

Oh, honey.

I guess he just got sick of living with a drunk.

And Bree helped her son face his addiction.

When Bree Van De Kamp

decided to stop drinking, her recipe for sobriety

was the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.

She admitted she was powerless over alcohol...

She asked God to remove her shortcomings.

She made a list of all the people she had harmed.

So when her son Andrew decided to stop drinking,

Bree was pleased to see him follow those steps

as successfully as she had.

Let me see it again.

Ahh. 30 days sober. I am so proud of you.

I feel great, mom.

And it gets better all the time.

Just keep going to meetings and working those steps.

Yeah, I kind of stalled out around number eight, though.

Ooh, that is a tough one.

No one likes to make lists of people they've done harm to,

particularly with your penmanship.

No, I wrote the list.

But now I have to make the amends,

and there's one person I've been really awful to.

Well, I know it seems difficult, but give it a chance.

Some people are more forgiving than we give them credit for.

- You thought I meant you? - Well, of course I did.

Aw, mom.

Uh, no offense, but you're way down the list.

I think you're, like, seventh.

Seventh?

I'd like to know about these six people ahead of me.

Did you steal their pocketbook?

Did you wreck their car?

Stick a kitchen knife through an oil portrait of them?

- Okay, calm down. - I will not calm down.

I resent you thinking you've harmed anyone more than me.

Well, I have.

And if I'm gonna make amends, I need to start now...

with the top of the list.

And who might that be? Who is this victim number one?

Mr. Solis.

Yes, Bree was diligent about following the 12 steps.

After all, I did sort of kill his mom.

But even she could recognize a step too far.

Andrew, stop!

We teach our children

to apologize when they make a mistake.

We tell them that it's wrong to blame others...

or pretend it never happened...

or try to cover it up.

But there are those times when apologizing...

Hey, Carlos! You got a minute?

- Is the biggest mistake of all. - Be right there.

Andrew, stop. You really need to think about this.

Mom, you know what the step says...

Make direct amends to those we have harmed.

Unless to do so would injure them or others.

And if Carlos finds out, trust me,

he's going to injure others!

Hey, buddy. What's up?

You know, there's something I never told you...

Uh, yes. How wonderful you were to him after Rex died.

You were like a... surrogate father.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You were. You took him on hunting trips,

football games, car races...

I didn't know you were gay then,

- or I'd have thrown in a few musicals. - Ha ha ha ha!

The point is, you've always been so kind to people,

never inuring them... or others.

Well, that was the same year that my mom died,

so I was working through some grief, too.

It was great that we could be there for each other.

So... that was what you wanted to tell me?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, just, uh... thanks.

No problem.

Someone just earned another pie.

Hey!

Whoever's in here, I own this house,

and I want you out now!

Well, hello, Paul.

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm just nosing around

to see what I'll need to buy before I move in.

Not much, apparently.

I had no idea the place came furnished.

Have you lost what's left of your mind?

This is my house! Now get out!

Oh, I know you bought it.

You bought a lot of houses on this street,

but you didn't want people to know,

so you put this one in Beth's name.

So what? I was her husband!

And since she never made a will...

Oh, but she did, Paul, years ago.

And according to that will,

I own this house and everything in it.

Oh, my goodness! Is this a Gustav Stickley?

Do you really think the people on this street

want a manipulative psycho for a neighbor?

Well, they let you live here,

so I'm guessing the zoning laws aren't all that strict.

If they wanna shun me, let them.

I won't be alone.

I'll have my daughter with me.

My God. You stole her ashes?

I did not steal them. You are so quick to think the worst of me.

I just went to the mausoleum and I explained my legal rights.

Your rights?

What about my rights? She was my wife!

Did I say you couldn't visit her?

Drop by anytime, Paul.

My door is always open.

Everything looks great, Susan...

Your blood work, creatine levels.

You're, like, the poster girl for kidney transplants.

Does that mean I can have salty food and sex again?

Salt in moderation. You should wait two more weeks

before resuming normal sexual activity.

Mike and I have already waited a month.

There's not going to be anything normal about it.

Okay, well, I'll see you at your next checkup.

Where are you off to?

Well, I am definitely going to the mall

to enjoy the last few hours of my handicap placard.

First I'm going to the dialysis center

to visit my friend Dick Barrows.

Oh, you don't have to go to the dialysis center.

He's here in the hospital. He was admitted yesterday.

Hey, tall, dark, and jaundiced.

Delfino.

Come closer.

I wanna see if you still have that new kidney smell.

What are you doing here?

Where else can you get a large Jamaican nurse

to give you a sponge bath for 4 grand a day?

Another viral infection.

I'm sorry.

I can't believe you got a kidney so fast.

I don't suppose you have any more suicidal neighbors

with donor cards?

I didn't laugh when you wrote it on my get-well note,

and I'm not laughing now.

I'm telling you, you are the luckiest person alive.

You should take advantage.

Do you gamble?

A little.

Ah. Oh-ho, great. When I get outta here,

I'm taking you to that casino by the airport.

I've never won in that place. You could be my rabbit's foot.

I'm not big on casinos.

I'm more of an around-the-kitchen-table,

gossip-with-my-girlfriends, win-all-the-M&M's kind of gal.

Ah, it's time for my spinal tap.

You see? You're not the only lucky one.

Hey, babe. You're home late.

I got called down to the legal department.

Is everything okay?

There's no easy way to say this.

Oh, no. What is this?

That, my dear...

is my signing bonus.

$100,000.

No way. It is not $100,000.

"One..."

It is. It's $100,000!

I can't believe it!

I know! What are we gonna do with it?

Um, how about this...

go to the bank, get 100,000 singles,

and roll around naked on them, and then apologize

to everybody at the bank and come home!

- I like the naked part. - Oh, my gosh!

Oh, my gosh!

Okay. Okay, let's think. Um...

Obviously, we should put some in the kids' college fund,

and then top off our retirement account...

Or actually start a retirement account.

Definitely. We should do all of that...

with 90 grand.

The other 10 is for you to spend

on something fun and totally frivolous,

like a mink vest or a diamond frisbee.

No, no, no...

No. Lynette, do you know how long I have waited