Playing House

- Clear the path, everyone. - Does it hurt?

Sir, get it against the wall.

Hands in the wall.

Do you need water or...

You know, it's interesting that

it's not like in the movies when the pregnant lady

- is freaking out the whole time. - No, I'm not gonna freak... ow!

What do we do? What do we do?

- ooh. - What do we...

I don't know! I don't know!

- Press on her back. - Is that good, honey?

I'm gonna go get you a room, okay?

No, no, no, no. I need you.

- I'm here. I'm here. - She'll be right there.

I'm gonna be there for one second, okay?

- Okay, okay. - But you can see her.

- Hi, hi. - Hi.

Is it... Ramona, is it?

My best friend is in labor,

so we just need to do whatever we need to do

- to get this party started. - Okay.

I'll get everything together that we need to get started.

Maggie: Oh... okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh... ahh.

I'm sorry. When you're done

with your little snack, my friend

is in a tremendous amount of pain.

I'm diabetic.

I need to have a snack every 20 minutes.

I don't think a mini snickers is maybe the right thing

for the blood... sugar.

Ma'am?

I need your I.D. Card.

I got that. I got it, I got it.

Then you can fill out these forms in triplicate.

Triplicate? What is this? Communist Russia?

Three forms three times.

Okay.

Rude.

Emma, don't piss these people off, okay?

They will make your life a living nightmare.

Hey, Maggie will have whatever she needs,

and it is my job to make it happen.

Okay. Thank you so much for helping...

- Uh, Ramona, is it? - Yeah.

Yeah, you've been a real sweetheart.

- Oh, it's no problem, sweetie. - You really have.

It's no problem.

Oh, are you the father?

No, no, no, that's...

Both: Bruce!

We forgot about Bruce!

- Okay, yeah, yep. - Go tell Bruce!

I don't mean to toot my own horn,

but how about this Southern exposure, right?

- It's good. - See, Mags?

You don't get it unless you ask for it, right?

Oh, get off your high horse.

It was the only room available.

Oh, not you again. Really?

Oh, I was just filling in for Victoria up front.

Uh, I am actually your nurse. This is my shift.

- Ugh! - Yeah, but don't worry.

I'm gonna take very, very good care of you.

Okay, good.

The only thing that you need to know

that might be troublesome is that your doctor,

Dr. Ullman, is not gonna be able to make it.

- What? - What do you mean?

Where is he? He won powerball.

- What? - He won powerball.

He bought 85 tickets and he got a winner.

No, no, no, Emma, this is not gonna work for me.

- Yeah. - I need Dr. Ullman here.

He's the only one that knows my vagina inside and out.

I'll take care of this. I will take care of this.

Ramona, this is not gonna work for us.

Well, your attending physician is Dr. J.

- Dr. J? No, no, no. - Dr. J?

I don't like the sound of that.

What is that? A nickname?

That's not professional at all.

Well, let me tell you what.

It's actually my last name.

Hello. You must be Maggie.

Hi. I'm Dr. J.

- Oh, my. - Oh!

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, Ramona, stop giving these ladies a hard time

and go get us some ice chips, please.

- Yes, ma'am. - Thank you.

Ha! So you ready to have a baby today or what?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

A thousand times, yes.

Great.

So, how are you feeling, sweetheart?

You look amazing.

Oh, God, you look amazing.

I'm sorry for the last-minute switcheroo.

You know, that's never fun.

But let me tell you, everything is on track.

The baby's heartbeat sounds strong,

blood work came back perfect.

You clearly are a pro at this.

Oh, am I?

You know, I've delivered over...

Well, I don't want to age myself...

But over 3,000 births.

- Oh, my God. - Wait, what?

- Yeah. - That's impossible.

- You look so young. - Oh, please!

And listen, these fluorescent lights

aren't doing me any favors.

Oh, are you kidding me?

You don't have a line on your face.

Come on. You're so gorgeous.

You're just a stunning woman.

- Just stunning head to toe. - Thank you.

Top to bottom. I mean, I was like, "whoo!"

You know? Yeah, I was, "is this like a-

is this a hospital room or a catwalk?"

You know, that's what I was saying.

- So beautiful. - I'm sorry.

I'm Emma. Sorry.

- Hi, Emma. - I just had a quick question.

37 weeks... you're absolutely sure that's not too soon

- for this baby to... - Oh, my God, stop it.

- I'm just nervous. - No, I told her it was fine.

It's absolutely fine.

My wife Teri just had our first baby at 37 weeks.

Everything was right as rain.

- Aww. See? - Oh, good.

- So don't worry. - Don't worry.

Now, how long have you two known each other?

Oh, my God, just, like, forever.

- Yeah. - Our whole lives really.

Yeah, from childhood and then...

Well, we really kicked it up in high school, though.

Yeah, we took it up to the next level.

- Yeah. - Okay!

Well, nothing makes me happier than getting to deliver

a baby from a happy couple like you two.

Well, anyways, us gays, we gotta stick together.

- Am I right or what? - Yeah, you're right.

- Yeah. - You're right.

"Us gays"?

Why didn't we tell her that we're not gay?

I don't know. I went like this.

I did too. Like a power...

Like a "power to the people."

- Is that what they do? - No!

- I think that's wrong. - And anyhow,

why did we let her believe that we were lesbians?

What were we gonna say? That we're not lesbians?

Oh, I know, and then she would have felt

like we were judging her.

Oh, my God. But we have to tell her, right?

She's made me feel so comfortable.

I wouldn't want to do anything, you know...

Yeah, I know, to make it, like, weirder.

Both: Yeah.

Somebody need a double hip press?

Oh, my God. Zach!

I can't believe you made it.

- I'm so happy. - Yeah.

I didn't know where you were.

Well, I went to Taos.

- Taos, New Mexico? - That's correct.

I went to a doula intensive

where you witness births and you learn techniques

to assist a woman through the precious journey of labor.

Aww.

I am now a certified doula in training.

It's your "push" present.

Oh, Zach, that is so sweet.

You know, that's funny. I went to learn how to be

a doula, but I left learning how to be a man.

I feel like I've found my life's calling.

- Yeah. - Well, you certainly found

- a bunch of scarves. - I did.

Why do you have one tied on your leg?

You look like Johnny Depp from Pirates of the Caribbean.

A higher compliment

has never been paid to me.

What is that? What are you doing?

- That's Johnny Depp. - Oh, my God.

These scarves are one of my many tools

that I use in the birthing process.

This one in particular is very handy

for spinning a breech baby using the rebozo method.

You get low center of gravity, under the hump.

- "Under the hump"? -

That's right, Mags. Blegh.

- No. I'm having another one. - No? Oh, it's happening.

- One's happening. - Hold on one second.

I want you to lie down on your side.

- Okay. - Okay?

And I want you to put this right in-between your legs.

- What is this? - This is a pubic moth.