Brooklyn Nine-Nine

And those of you patrolling 7th avenue,

please be aware of the new pedal pubs.

They're bike-powered mobile bars

that are very popular with bachelorette parties.

But unfortunately they have led to a dramatic increase

in the rarely seen case of female public urination.

- Resist. - That's everything,

but before we go home, but quick reminder that today

is Sergeant Santiago's last day before maternity leave.

We'll see you in three months.

- She gets three months off? - Can I take a maternity leave?

Are you giving birth to a baby?

I'm having a seven pound mass

removed from my abdomen next week.

Yeah, never ask Scully questions.

That's on me, guys!

Dismissed.

So, have you guys decided on a name yet?

We're not telling people until he's born.

Not the baby's name... my name. What's he gonna call me?

Uncle Chuck? Unky C? Ooh... Chee-Chee, so he says it early?

Maybe just Charles.

Wait, so my dad gets to be his "Pop-Pop,"

but I'm just "Charles?"

Your dad does not get to be his "Pop-Pop."

Well I hope you're prepared to make that phone call.

Uh, what was that?

Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.

You know, I've always kind of liked blackouts.

Listen to how quiet it is. It's so peaceful.

Nope, it immediately turned into a purge.

Way to go, New York. All right, let's suit up!

Maybe it's not so bad out there.

I mean, none of our phone are ringing.

That's because all the cell towers are down.

Nobody has landlines anymore, so they can't call in.

Huh, really makes you think about society's reliance

on modern technology, doesn't it?

- No. - Yeah, me neither.

I just thought maybe that's how you see it.

Guys, stop wasting time. Headlamps on!

We have to engage in blackout protocol.

I'm surprised, those guys are really springing into action.

Nope, they're just eating all the food in the fridge

before it goes bad.

There's a dozen sandwiches here, I don't know what kind.

I'll figure it out later. Just start chewing.

Yeah, they suck.

So, only Captain Holt or Terry

can initiate actual blackout protocol,

but I don't see them anywhere.

- Guys? - Where did our dads go?

Hello? Anyone?

We're stuck in the elevator!

Can't you yell any louder?

Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.

These are my pecs.

So this is all just for show then.

It has no functional purpose.

I mean, I am pretty strong.

Good, then rip those doors open.

- I can't do that. - Oh, well at least you haven't

dedicated a significant portion of your life

to looking like this.

- What is with you? - I'm sorry.

This is a nightmare of mine.

I have a phobia of elevators.

It stems from a traumatic experience I had as a child.

They only perform rated-load testing

on city elevators every five years?

Oh, my.

That was the last time I read the municipal code before bed.

But...

the damage was done.

Wait, look at this, sir. I think we'll be fine.

It was inspected four months ago.

By Walter Beverly, the clown prince

of the Department of Buildings.

You've made it so much worse. Help!

Help!

Yeah, they're trapped in there.

Oh no, that means we have to call

the fire department.

Or, hear me out, we leave them in there forever,

and move on emotionally.

- No. - Call the fire department.

All right, as the highest ranking officer

not trapped in a box, I'll take charge.

Uh, shouldn't you be taking it easy?

Your shift's over. You're on maternity leave.

As the baby's Chee-Chee... Charles, I'm fine,

and this is an emergency.

Subways aren't running, and we're gonna have

a lot of people on the street.

So I'm gonna call Mounted Division

to help with crowd control.

But that's Sergeant Peanut Butter's unit.

No one wants to work with that condescending dick.

Okay, first of all, he's a horse,

so he can't be condescending.

Ugh, oh-ho, he's got you people fooled.

Secondly...

- He's a lieutenant now. - What?! How?!

- Charles, get it together. - I want you and Jake

to go to the Gowanus power substation.

That's where the transformer exploded.

Work with ESU, get us a timetable

for the power being restored, and hurry!

Wow, look at my pregnant wife taking charge.

I don't know whether to be proud or turned on.

- I said hurry. - Oh, my God, it's both.

Hey, what happened?

Someone lost control of their car,

jumped the curb, went through the fence,

and rammed into the transformer.

Guy must have been drunk. There was an empty bottle

of vodka on the floor of the car.

Okay, Charles, I see two possibilities.

One, he was vaporized into a being

of pure electricity, becoming a supervillian

known only as "The Surge Freak."

- Seems unlikely. - Yeah, I know, Officer Rick,

that's why I said there were two possibilities.

He probably just hobbled off so he wouldn't get a DUI.

Here, we'll follow this very obvious trail of blood.

Happy now?

Stupid Officer Rick and his stupid

joyless approach to life. Come on.

- I can't see anything. - Me neither.

We'll just have to rely on our other senses.

I call smell.

Okay, really jumped on that one.

I wasn't gonna fight you for smell.

I figured we'd just listen for sounds.

Pfft, good luck with that.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - How's it going over there?

You hearing anything?

Yeah, I'm hearing you and your creepy sniffs.

Really? Well I'm smelling a lot of jealousy

coming from your direction.

- Sound to the left. - Smell to the left.

NYPD, hands up!

Oh, yeah, we got him.

Charles.

Aw, this ice cream is melting.

- Who cares? - We can drink melted ice cream.

We can't eat spoiled ham.

We have to prioritize!

What if we combine them?

Wrap the ice cream in the ham like a taquito.

- This man. - This man is my best friend.

You two are the worst people to have around in an emergency.

I literally can't imagine a scenario

where you'd be helpful.

- Murder at a Cinnabon. - Who would you call?

Someone who wouldn't be distracted by the frosting.

Yeah, I do love that frosting.

Hey Diaz, heard you guys needed help

- from some real heroes. - Please.

Firefighters are basically just EMTs who all live together

- and sleep in bunk beds. - Correction.

It's a professional, multi-tiered,

shared sleeping set-up.

You're describing bunk beds.

Just get the people out of the elevator.

We should have all ambulances on call.

I want an open line of communication with DOT,

and I want someone from the DA down here

so we don't get cases thrown out.

I need a pair of sweatpants, and check again

on that status update from ESU.

All right, go go go!

What do you need the sweatpants for?

My water just broke, which reminds me,

we should be prepared to distribute

emergency water and food.

Your water just broke?!

We need to go to a hospital right now.

I don't want a burst happening around me.

It's way too gross.

I'm nowhere near giving birth.

I haven't even lost my mucus plug.

Amy, you need to get the out of here.

I'm sorry my baby grosses you out, Rosa.

I'm excited to meet your baby when it's clean

and wearing clothes, and not blasting out of you

like some half-Cuban Jimmy Neutron.

I'm just at the start of my labor.

I haven't even had my first

contrac...

- ...tion. - Was that a contraction?

No.

That was just a crazy yawn.

Fine, look... I don't have to go

to the hospital until my contractions

are three minutes apart and last

for at least 45 seconds.