Reunion

Sir? Please stop dancing.

Really, stop that. No one wants to see it. Stop.

Yeah! Look at your boy!

Boom! There he is. I found him!

Oh, man.

So how do I look?

You look like Black Where's Waldo.

No.

Oompa Loompa. Minion?

You sound like a hater. No.

That's what we doing? Huh? Give me this.

Hey, give me that! - Give me it! - No, no, no!

We're going to our reunion.

I don't want you on this phone all night,

being sad and everything, playing Wordfeud.

There's a reason for people to get together

and lie about how their life doesn't suck.

- And get laid. - What do you mean, get laid?

I'm definitely getting laid tonight.

- No. In this outfit? This is my lucky outfit.

This is the outfit I lost my virginity in the night of the graduation.

No, you got an over-the-pants handjob.

Hey, well, she-- It wasn't my hand.

It was somebody else's hand. So that's...

Oh, shit.

What, hey! Don't touch that.

You ain't see that?

She was going 55 in a school zone. Step on it!

[INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

Roll down your window, please, ma'am.

Yeah. I'm-- I'm sorry, Officer. Was I speeding?

Thirty miles over the speed limit.

Okay, I'm just trying to get to this high school reunion.

Here.

Can I see your face?

- Jasmine? - Yeah.

It's Evan. Evan-- I shouldn't do that.

- Evan-- Evan West. - Oh, my God!

Wow, it's great-- great seeing you.

God, I'm so glad it's you.

I was scared for a second there, because I really hate cops.

I'm a cop, so...

Ray! Why-- Why'd you get out of the car?

Ray...'Cause you said it was Jasmine.

Jasmine? I was like, "Okay, I gotta see her too."

- Oh, man. - I mean, you look...

Look, man, I don't wanna be a jerk about this, you know what I mean?

Because you used to be a skater girl and everything.

But you have really switched it up.

He's joking with you.

He--No, man, she looks amazing.

- I'm giving her a compliment. - Yeah. You do look amazing.

- You look beautiful. You look great.

Appreciate that. You guys haven't changed one bit.

Thanks. Yeah, thanks.

Not one bit.

- Thank you! - Well, a little. I would like...

Yeah.

So you're working at The Times now?

- Is that what's going on? - Oh, yeah.

Ten years.

- That's great. Yeah.

This...

Mm-hmm.

Should we finish this conversation at the house?

Yeah. Yes. Well, you can follow us.

Thank you.

- Okay, we'll see you there. Bye!

Okay.

- Talk to you later. All right. See you.

- I'll see you at the party. - I'm stupid.

I'm so fucking stupid, Ray.

Don't-- What? What's that face?

- She want the backwoods dick. - No, she doesn't.

Yes, she does. She wants some backwoods dick tonight.

You could give it to her.

- Okay? - Backwoods dick.

Yeah, she want that bearded,

cool cop, backwoods dick. That's right.

She want it for the front woods and the back woods.

Oh, well-I'm just saying.

But seriously, though, bro, I'm worried about you, man.

You ain't been on a date in months.

It's-- Well, you know...

You know, so, let me check out your Tinder profile.

- See what you got going on. - No, don't bring that up right now.

- Please. Please. - Okay, what is this?

That? I'm dressed as Phantom of the Opera

for Horrorpalooza.

Horrorpalooza? That's a thing?

Yes. It's dope, man.

You was Phantom of the Opera for Horrorpalooza.

- Yeah. - You didn't wanna be nobody else.

Michael Myers,

- you didn't wanna be Freddy. - Dude-- No.

Who is scared of the Phantom of the Opera?

- Theatergoers. What the f--

[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

Mathew's probably gonna love this.

I mean, playing host, showing off his fancy house.

- All his fucking money. - He's rich as fuck.

- I know. - Hold on, hold on.

But don't worry about that asshole.

You need to worry about her.

- Hi. - Thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, God. I look dumb, don't I?She's here, man.

Yeah, you look like somebody dresses--

- Was the hat too much? - It's just too much.

You got your badge out, your fucking name tag.

- I know. - But hold on, hold on.

Okay.

Okay, now you look good.

- Thank you. Clean cut. - Hey! Wait a minute.

I didn't... What?

You smell amazing.

- Oh, thank you. - Is that a new cologne?

La Nuit De L'homme by Saint Laurent. You like that?

- I like it a lot. - You want a little waft of that?

- Take that. - Hey, what are you guys doing?

Yeah, these fucking flying roaches... Yeah. Snow flies.

They're... And because...

You've heard about--

They migrated into... Yeah, yeah.

...Ridgeview.

It's gonna be a blast.

Oh, wow.

Oh, shit! Uh-oh!

Here comes trouble, baby!

What's up?

Look who it is.

Hey, it's not a real party till the townies show up.

Yeah! Fuck me running! - Come here. - Good to see you. How are--

- Jesus. Whoa, whoa. How are you?

Are you a cop?

Yes. I know. That was assault of an officer, so...

- Hi, Mathew. Jasmine. Oh, my God.

- You look fantastic! - Thank you.

How are you? - Wonderful.

Oh, my God. You come with these idiots?

Oh, no, we just ran into each other out on the road.

Oh, okay, that makes way more sense.

Yeah, I was a bit like, "Whoa, that's weird."

This place is amazing.

Oh, thanks. It has its kinks.

I mean, there's terrible cell reception,

so just hop on the Wi-Fi if you need to, you know what I mean?

Listen, I'm just happy to have you guys at my house,

you know, as a symbol for how far we've all come in life, right?

Yeah.

We're all killing it.

Hey, guys, we're winning. Look who I fucking found.

Hey! - Life of the party.

- Drink? Okay. - Yes, please.

Oh, it's so weird seeing all these people again.

- Cheers. - Oh, my God, I need this drink.

Hey, Evan.

- Hey. - Oh, my goodness.

- What is that? What is this?

Oh, my gosh.

- Why would he put that photo in? - Miss Hot Topic.

Those pants. 2001.

- So angry. - Oh, that is glorious.

I know--So cool, right?

- Oh! My God! - Oh! My God!

I got you.

Cheers. - Cheers.

Thanks for having us. - Yeah, absolutely.

My party planners did all this.

They did a great job. - Oh, this whole thing?

Yeah. It's a tribute to more innocent times, I guess.

Yeah. I-- I wouldn't call it innocent.

It felt like, uh, high school was pretty brutal for some people.

Try marriage.

Oh, that's right. Are your wife and kids here?

No, no, she brought the kids to her parents' place.

To Westchester. Yeah.

But that is great for me 'cause it's Daddy's weekend.

I love it.

- Peter! It's been-- Oh!

- Oh. - He... He's gone.

Don't walk away. Come here.

Man, look at this.