Seinfeld

My parents had two arguments while driving...

...over either how fast my father was going...

...or how much gas was left in the tank.

My father had a standard defence for either one of these.

It was always, "That's because you're looking at it from an angle.

If you were over here- It looks from where you're sitting...

...it looks like I'm doing 90 on empty.

But that's because you're over there.

If you were over here, you'd know I'm in the driveway with a full tank."

George and I went up to NBC and told them the idea for the series.

- We're waiting to sign the contract. - They liked the idea?

- Yeah. - What, you got leather seats here?

- Since when is George a writer? - What writer? It's a sitcom.

This is exciting. When are you gonna sign the contract?

Soon. There's a few problems.

I wanna tell you, that meal was the worst.

What do you expect? It's airline food.

They give you that fish.

How could you eat fish on a plane?

She puts up a stink every time I have a piece of meat.

What kind of problems?

Well, George doesn't think $13,000 is enough money.

What? He's not even working.

George is right. Those people will try to get away with murder.

Believe me, they're all crooks.

- Jerry, I want you to sign that contract. - We're gonna sign it.

George is out with the woman from NBC right now.

So I'm afraid we're gonna have to pass.

- You're passing? - Well, it's much too low.

Are you and Jerry in agreement on this?

Yeah, we've talked. I believe I can speak for the both of us on this.

You know, because this is your first show, it's a pretty standard deal.

- Standard? - Yeah.

Is Ted Danson's deal standard?

- Ted Danson? - You know, the guy from Cheers.

Yeah, I know who he is.

You're not Ted Danson.

I didn't say I was Ted Danson.

- All right, I'll tell Russell tomorrow. - You tell Russell.

Oh, before I forget.

Cuban cigars. It's a present from my father.

Do I have to write him a note or something?

- I'm sure he'd appreciate that. - What would I say in it?

You're a writer. You'll think of something.

Oh, yeah. I'm a writer. I forgot.

Were you waiting long at the gate?

I don't even know.

Where's that watch we bought you?

Oh...

That's it for this piece of junk. I've had it.

- Is it the one your parents gave you? - It never works.

It's being fixed.

I got a guarantee on that watch. Give it to me. I'll take it back.

- It's at the jeweller. - Send me the bill.

I'm not sending it.

That watch was a gift. You shouldn't have to pay for it.

- That's $18.50. - Here, I got it.

What are you talking about? It's my car. Let me pay.

- No, no, put it away. - Dad.

- Stop it. - I have money. I make money.

- Yeah, yeah, you make money. - You don't think I make money.

- I don't think that. - Yes. That's what you both think.

- I'm paying. - Dad, I'm paying.

- Get out. - You're not paying.

- Jerry, do not do this. - No, no.

Over my dead body, Jerry. I'm telling you right now...

...you're not gonna do it.

Boy, you got a lot of stuff here.

- Dad, what are you doing? - Nothing, nothing.

Leave it. What about your back?

- Morty, what are you doing? - All right, all right.

You come here to see a back specialist...

...and you're lifting heavy suitcases.

Hey, Morty.

Hey, Mr. Kramer.

- Hey, Mrs. Seinfeld. - Kramer, hi.

What happened to you?

Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head.

- What guy? - Crazy Joe Davola.

- Why? - Well, I was having this party...

...and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.

Why did you tell this guy that Kramer didn't invite him to his party?

I didn't know he wasn't invited.

Hey, these are very comfortable pants.

You know what I paid for these, Jerry?

- So why did you say anything? - It was a mistake.

They're good around the house, and they're good for outside.

- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

I was little off last week, huh, Jerry?

But the doctor says it's just a slight concussion.

What's the matter with this Davola guy?

He's got, like, a chemical imbalance.

- He needs to be on medication. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's after Jerry now.

- Kramer. - He's what?

- He's joking. - He's after you?

- No. - Why's he after you?

He's not after me.

Morty, do you hear this? Some crazy guy is after Jerry.

- I'll make a few phone calls. - Who you gonna call?

What are you worried about?

I wanna know what you did to this guy.

- I didn't do anything. - You must've done something.

No, he just doesn't like me.

Doesn't like you? How could anyone not like you?

- I know, it seems impossible. - Doesn't-

Doesn't like you? How could that be?

Ma, this may be hard for you to understand...

...but I'm sure there are many people who do not like me.

Jerry, don't say that.

- It's true. - No, it isn't.

It's not true. You're a wonderful, wonderful boy.

Everybody likes you. It's impossible not to like you.

Morty?

Maybe some people don't like him. I can see that.

- Kramer? - Yeah, I like him.

Hey, Jerry, what time you got?

I haven't got my watch on. It's being fixed.

When are you getting it back?

- Next week. - Next week?

How come it's taking so long?

I said, how come it's taking so long?

I don't know. They're backed up.

Wait a minute. Where did you take it?

- Where did I take it? - Yeah.

Where did I take it?

To that place on Columbus...

...and 85th, okay?

What, Jimmy Sherman?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I know the guy.

I take my stuff in there.

I can get your watch back by tomorrow morning.

No, I don't want you to say anything to him.

I'd be happy to. He's a friend of mine.

I'd like to follow the regular procedures.

I don't want any special treatment.

Hey, I'm gonna get that watch back for you by tomorrow, buddy.

- Bring me the receipt. - I'll get that too.

Be right back.

Look, there's no watch. I threw it in the garbage can on the street.

My parents gave it to me, but I didn't like it.

So don't mention it again, okay?

- Yeah, all right. - All right.

Wait, wait-

Well, no-

What was that about?

Oh, no...

...he's got my calamine lotion.

I told him not to return it. If he needs it, he should keep it.

He's got a thing on his ankle.

How could anyone not like him?

Hi. Morty Seinfeld. I have a 2:00 appointment.

Yes, Mr. Seinfeld. Would you please fill this out?

All this? This whole thing?

It's gonna take me 45 minutes.

I know, it's very long.

Look at this. It's a book.

"Employer's address." Why do they need this?

I never had a back problem...

...until that night I slept on the convertible sofa.

- My back was fine. - Oh, it's not the sofa.

You stick up for that sofa like I'm criticizing a person.

We got it from Sullivan's. It's a good store.

Well, one day somebody's gonna sleep on that thing, and we'll get sued.

I hope this doctor knows what he's doing.

Leo says he's the best there is.

Leo.

I'm listening to Leo now.

You're lucky he got you this. You know what the waiting list is?

Well, if he fixes my back, I'll be happy.

Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?

That's it.

Here, you got my name, you got my address. That's enough.

Julie, you wanna take him back?

You what? You passed?

How could you do that?

Jerry, my young friend...

...you're so naive. You are so, so naive.

You know about a few things.

You know about comedy...

...a little bit about relationships, some baseball...

...but you're so far out of your element here, you're embarrassing yourself.

Now, listen to me. I'm negotiating.

Negotiation. This is what you do in business.

Let me explain to you what you just did.

There are literally hundreds of people trying to get pilot deals with them.

They go with maybe five, okay? If we pass, that's it.

They go to the next show.

I'm scared.

Oh, they're not gonna do the show.

We're lucky they're even interested in the idea in the first place.

We got a show about nothing.

With no story.

Do you think they're going, "Maybe we should give those two guys...

...who have no experience and no idea, more money"?

Oh, what are we gonna do? I'm shaking. I'm shaking.

- I think you're wrong. - We'll just see.

- Yes, we will. - Yes, we will.

- I just said that. - I know.

- Good for you. - Good for you.