Vacation Friends

All right, baby. So, what color do you want for your beach umbrella?

I picked indigo. Shit, I don't even know what indigo is.

Also, look. Do you want a girl or a guy for our couples massage?

Ooh. I don't actually think I want a couples massage with you.

Why not?

Well, baby, because you're always moaning and groaning and saying stuff like,

"Ooh, yeah. Right there. Right there. Ooh, yeah. Don't stop."

Yeah. I be into it, man.

When they touching the right spot, can't help but let 'em know how good it is.

The masseuse likes that.

And plus, I have so much tension, baby.

Maybe you wouldn't have so much tension if you weren't always on your phone.

Baby, I'm working on four projects at the same time.

We gotta use different builders all across the city.

You know...

- But you know what? You're right. - Hmm.

I'ma put this away, and no more phones for the rest of this vacation.

- - Oh, hold up.

Hi, Daddy. No, this is fine. We just landed.

Yeah. Marcus, there he is.

Yeah, Daddy. The flight was fine. Yeah, I'm here with Marcus.

Still. We have talked about this.

Daddy, I know. I do love him.

Front desk.

Can you connect me with Maurillio?

Speaking, Mr. Parker.

How'd you know it was me?

Uh, let's just say after eight or nine calls,

I become very much acquainted with the timbre of your voice.

I'm just calling you to confirm you set up everything we discussed.

Yes. Yes, yes. I have personally seen to it.

The Dom Pérignon, the rose petals in the bed,

the Bill Withers playlist "Greatest Hits: No Deep Cuts."

Sir, if she says no after all this, I will marry you.

All right, Maurillio. Not... Not you too...

Sir? You trailed off.

All good. Gracias.

Oh, baby, look at those two.

- What? These lunatics? - What? No.

They look like they're having fun. We should try that.

- That looks fun to you? - Yes.

That's the reason why you don't see a lot of Black paraplegics. You know why?

'Cause we don't do stupid shit like that.

Look at 'em. They riding around like they got no insurance.

Oh, my God. This is the hotel?

Maybe it's not too late for us to get a room at the Best Western by the airport.

Mr. Parker! And you must be Emily. I'm Maurillio, the manager.

Please help yourselves to a papaya paleta

powdered in our house-roasted guajillo-cacao rub.

Oh. I don't know what this is, but cheers!

You must be very eager to get to your suite

where there may or may not be a surprise waiting for you.

- A surprise? - Hmm.

I don't know. Let's find out.

- Hmm. - Okay.

Now, Emily, I want you to know something.

This man right here, he loves you very, very much.

Yes, he does.

But how do you know that?

Let's just say I have a feeling.

Ladies first.

So that you may be the first one to see what awaits, if anything.

There could be nothing.

- What the fuck is your problem? - What is it?

- What the fuck? You giving out clues. - It's fine.

- It's not fine! - It's fine.

- No, it's not! - Come on.

- Ah. We have finally arrived. - Thank you.

- Ahhh. - Okay.

Señora, may you always remember this moment.

For the rest of your life.

- Okay. - Ooh. We could take a picture of this.

Oh.

I cannot apologize enough.

It seems the guests in the Presidential Suite

above your room overfilled the Jacuzzi.

So, that means you're gonna put us in another room, right?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

If there was room available, it would be yours.

Sadly, the hotel is fully booked.

Why would you say "of course" if you knew you didn't have another room?

You know how misleading that is?

Can you just check with any of the other hotels nearby?

Of course. We have relationships with all of the five-star hotels. No problem.

Just a second.

Hmm.

Well, let me go ahead and also check for four-star hotels.

Ah. You know, a lot of people have issues with three-star hotels,

but they are just as good as five-star hotels.

Yeah, after three, it's, like, too much, you know?

And there you have it.

One-star hotel with a great room at the Airport Best Western.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well, according to this, sir, it is the best Western in the area.

Let me tell you something, okay? I had an itinerary planned.

We was gonna go whale watching, we was gonna go tequila tasting.

- I booked a dinner at sunset on the beach! - Maurillio!

- Where is that son of a bitch? - Yes!

Maurillio! My amigo.

Thank you so much for that Jet Ski hookup.

Man, we felt some killer waves on the second break.

- Oh, my gosh. Then we got high as shit. - We did.

So we literally had to jump off and go body surfing.

Yeah, but we turned around and the Jet Ski was gone.

But don't freak out because I actually took a photo of exactly where we left it.

You are gonna have no problem finding it.

She's the brains.

Okay, okay. Thank you, señora.

You're welcome.

Excuse me, lady with the phone in the goddamn sandwich bag.

Hi. How are you guys?

Were you guys having a conversation?

'Cause you assumed that Maurillio wasn't already talking to somebody.

You just walk your happy ass in here and cut me off.

Now, look. I don't mean to snap. It's a lot going on right now.

- I'm a little stressed out. - It's okay.

I just wanna holler at him real quick. Can I do that?

- Yeah. You enjoy your day. - Thank you.

Enjoy this gorgeous weather.

Maurillio. You do know how important this trip is to us, man.

Yes, of course. We want your proposal to be perfect.

- Proposal? - Oh, shit.

- Baby. - No, no. I will fix this.

Emily.

- I am sorry. I cannot fix it. - Fuck you, Maurillio!

That's fair.

Babe, come over here. Let me talk to you.

- Okay. Yes. Yes. Yes. - You guys have a good one.

- Did she text you back? - Nah, not yet.

I'm sorry this didn't go as I planned it.

Look, um…

Oh, my God.

I might as well do it up.

Okay, I'm just try...

- My flow is all thrown off. - It's okay. Just keep going.

Just please, just keep going.

Baby, um…

- Shut up! - Look, you mean so much to me.

- Baby, I love you so much. -

And I know today has been all over the place…

…and I can be a bit of a control freak,

and when stuff ain't going my way, I get all uptight,

- and I overthink things… - Oh, baby.

…but the one thing I could never think twice about…

Is how much I actually love you.

- Baby, will you marry me? -

Yes!

- Oh, yes! - Oh, my God.

- Yes! Yeah! Fucking A, Maurillio. Yes! - Yes!

- You had me! You were like… - That was beautiful!

"The only thing I didn't need to think about was you."

You guys! It was you.

It was... Baby, I love you! I love you so much.

Baby, I love you so much. I love you.

And you know what, I don't care that we lost the room.

I know. I know how hard you worked. I don't care.

We can camp out on the beach. I just wanna be your woman!

No! No! Nobody's camping on the beach.

- You get that out of your head right now. - I love you guys.

- Like, you have to stay with us. - With us.

Consider it, like, our engagement present to your beautiful souls.

Yes.

- Nah. Yeah. Yeah. We're okay. - Nah, we good. Yeah. We're fine.

You're gonna say no to the Presidential Suite?

It has a Jacuzzi and everything.

I know we gave that tub a rough ride, but what happened to craftsmanship, right?

- - Eh.

Okay. So I had them move your bags to the master suite.

Oh, girl. That is way too much.

What? No, no, no.

Get yourselves comfortable. You are our guests.

It is truly the least we can do

after our wonky 'cuzzi fucked up your totally beautiful proposal.

Well, look. Maybe…

Maybe for tonight, okay?

- Until we get another hotel. - Yes!

- Yes! Oh, boy! - Settled. Who's thirsty?

Sit, sit, sit. Get comfortable.

Oh, if you guys are worried about privacy and you wanna get really kinky tonight...

We're extremely loud.

I don't know what these walls are made of, but you seriously can't hear anything!

Okay. Listen.

You're not gonna believe this. I just screamed in there.

- Uh… - Yeah, we, um… we... we... we heard you.

Are you sure it was me?

- Yeah. Pretty certain. -

Yo! Oh, no, we're fine.

Nah, it's just my gal screaming. Yeah, you bet.

Hey, guys. I don't mean to pry or anything,

but are you guys, like, secret billionaires or something?

- Why do you ask? - 'Cause this place looks very expensive.

Oh, super expensive. We spent, like, every penny we had on this place.

Yeah.

Wait. Why would you do that?

My buddy Charlie came here way back when and raved about it.