Louie

I heard that ducks have one hole.

I don't know if you know that, but ducks have one hole,

and they pee out of it

and they shit out of it,

they get ( blank ) in it

and they lay eggs out of it.

That...

has got to be one smelly, dirty hole.

That hole has got to be a pretty awful place.

I feel a little bard for the man duck,

because ducks are monogamous.

I don't know if you know that,

but ducks stay in their relationships forever

and by the time that duck gets to be 48,

her husband must be like,

"Dude...

"... that shit sucks.

I hate it."

And then he goes and ( blank ) a swan or something.

His wife's like, "Why do you have to ( bleep ) a swan for ?"

She's got an asshole, that's why.

She's got an asshole.

Okay?

I got a green head.

I don't know what that means, just somehow...

They got green heads, they deserve more.

Speaking of animal-type humor that's not totally finished,

uh, I...

... I actually, I have this "joke-joke,"

like a, you know,

"animals talking to each other" type joke,

that I don't know how to finish it.

I know what's funny about it,

but I don't know how to finish it.

What-- Basically, it's about a lion

who goes up to the giraffe

and he says, "Hey, man, did you see that dude ?"

And the giraffe's like, "What dude ?"

And he goes, "He's that dude,

"he lives by the river in a hut."

And the giraffe goes, "What does he look like ?"

And the lion goes, "He looks like this,

'Ahhh !'"

And the giraffe's like, "Well, I know a dude

that lives by the river, but he doesn't look like that."

He goes, "No, that's what he looks like, 'Ahhh !'"

The giraffe says, "I know a guy, but he looks like this."

See, the lion just thinks that people look like that.

The lion doesn't get that he makes

a person look like that...

by scaring the shit out of them.

He just thinks that,

"Hey, that's that dude that's always going, 'Ahhh !'"

That's what he's like.

He doesn't see his own part of...

Hello, Daddy. Hey, baby, how you doing?

Hi. Hi.

You need to take home the ducklings tonight.

Take what?

We're raising ducklings

and they can't stay in the school,

so you gotta take 'em.

Yay, can we-- No, no, wait, wait, wait, no, no, this is not--

Why me, why am I doing this?

Every family took a turn, it's your turn.

Yeah, but I-- I'm going to--

I'm going to Afghanistan.

It's your turn to take the ducklings. We can put them in a bathtub.

Yeah, but listen, I have tomorrow morning-- And they can sleep in my bed!

Excuse me, Jane, baby.

Tomorrow morning, I have-- I'm starting a USO tour,

do you understand?

I'm going all over the Middle East.

I'm going to Iraq and Afghanistan and Kuwait.

Are you dropping Jane here tomorrow morning? Yes, I am.

Well, so take 'em and bring 'em back tomorrow.

Yay! Yes!

Yes! Yay!

Yes!

Yeah. We can put them in the bathtub!

Yeah, whatever. We gotta give 'em a bath!

All right, come on. Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.

Look how...

Oh!

Don't let 'em go-- Yay!

Okay, okay, don't let 'em go--

Don't let 'em go under there, please.

Jane.

No, I wanna keep this one...

Look at them, they're--

Careful, you're gonna step on them.

Okay, okay, please. No, I won't.

Please, Lilly, put that one down, put...

Wait.

Thank you for letting them come home with us. Ew, I got poop!

All right, I'm glad--

All right, girls.

Good night.

Daddy? Yeah.

Can we keep the ducklings?

No, we're not doing that.

Can we keep just one?

No.

Just one! No.

Daddy, can we keep just one duckling?

Are you really going to a war tomorrow?

I'm going to where there is a war,

but I'm just there to-- to make some soldiers laugh.

I'm just gonna do shows and it's safe.

Are you sure?

They've never let any performer get hurt, ever,

so it's gonna be okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Just one duckling?

Dude, no.

Oh.

Could we keep them for another night?

Tomorrow morning, I'm taking you guys to school

with the ducklings

and I'm going right from the school to an airfield

where I'm getting on a huge gray plane called a C-17

and I'm flying to the Middle East.

Whoa.

Are we going on the plane?

You're not going on--

Your mom's picking you up tomorrow at school.

Can I keep just one duckling?

Good night.

Good night, Daddy.

Y'know, for a bunch of tiny creatures, you guys are

a real pain in the ass.

If this was a toilet, I would just flush it, I swear to God.

So how long have you been there?

Since I graduated high school.

Oh, really.

A real long time.

So do you-- do you-- do you like music?

Yeah, I like music.

What kind of music do you like?

Um, pretty much everything.

Do you like, um...

do you like Led Zeppelin or...

Led Zeppelin?

You don't know who that is? No.

What about like--

Van Halen, you like Van Halen?

No.

You don't like them or you don't know 'em?

I'm not sure who they are, no.

What about Aerosmith?

You like Aerosmith?

No.

You don't know who they-- No, not sure.

Uh, Steven Tyler, y'know, is in Aerosmith.

"American Idol." Yeah.

Yeah, I know who Steven Tyler is.

He was in Aerosmith, he was in a band called Aerosmith.

Yeah, he's a judge on "American Idol."

Yeah, he is.

But, uh--

You're a cheerleader? Yeah.

Football-- like a football cheerleader?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

You ever date any football players?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're not allowed to date any football players.

Do you ever do it anyway?

I didn't-- I...

Hello and welcome to Task Force Base Charlie.

I'm General Thompson in charge of operations in Afghanistan.

Let me be the first to thank you for coming here.

I know it's been a long trip.

I'd like to be able to tell you to get some rest,

but I can't.

We need to get you out there and cheer up our troops.

You're gonna see some things in the next five days

that you've never seen or imagined.

These young people of ours

are living in some pretty bad conditions.

In fact, for many of them, it sucks out there.

Some of our forward operating bases

or FOBs, as you'll come to know them,

have little more than a pot to piss in and dry, cold food.

Many of our troops are in their second year.

Most of them have lost a buddy.

Some of them have been wounded in action,

returned for more.

We can't give them the comforts of home.

We can't send them home.

The only thing that we can hope to do

is try and lift their spirits.

So you see, your job here is terribly important.

This is not a joke to us or a trifle.

This is a vital mission

and I thank you most sincerely

for taking time from your family to come here and do this.

Now we need to have you go to your quarters,

drop your gear, grab what you need, get on transport.