Stage Mother

- Has anyone seen my pushup bra? - Under your wig.

- You're on in two minutes, Rickey.

- Alright, let's hear it for the gruesome twosome!

Or as I affectionately call them,

Dumb and Dumber!

The Diva and Miss Ambrose.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Dusty Muffin. And I gotta warn you, this muffin has nuts.

You know, in case you're allergic.

Welcome to our show: Leave it, it's Beaver!

Oh, what, honey, you're straight? Yeah, guess what.

So is spaghetti until you get it hot and wet.

She got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job!

Rickey Pedia!

Rickey. Rickey. Rickey!

God, Rickey, what did you take, huh?

Okay, breathe. Breathe. - Rickey.

- Come on, baby, what did you take? Huh?

What did you take? Rickey?

- Alright, ladies and Henry, from the top.

And a-one and two and...

- Alright, well, that was neither amazing nor graceful.

Erna Lee and Imogene,

it's not a competition, ladies.

God can hear you, I assure you.

Thank you, Bevette.

Wear the red.

Helps if the choir can read your lips, tone deaf as they are.

Oh, Bevette.

- Well, you let anyone in who wants to sing, even if they can't.

- It's church, Bevette, not a contest.

- Phone for you. - Who is it?

Friend of Rickey's.

Hello?

What? When?

What'd he take?

What is it, Maybelline?

No. No!

No!! No, no, no!!

You need to eat somethin'.

Beautiful boy.

A long time ago, Maybelline.

Did you book the flights?

Funeral's Monday.

- We're not goin' anywhere. Now you need to rest your nerves.

Come on, now. Just a couple of bites.

Anybody home?!

In here, Bevette.

- Ah... You all packed? - Uh-huh.

Thanks again for takin' me.

- You wearin' that? On the plane?

Yeah.

- Well, at least you'll be comfortable.

- Where do you think you're goin'?

- Well, I'll just... maybe skedaddle off to the bathroom,

let you two have a little tête-à-tête.

Well?

You know where I'm going.

You weren't gonna ask me?

I'll only be gone a few days.

One of us has to go,

make sure he's... put to rest properly.

- He already moved on from us years ago by his own choice.

Well, I'm still his mother.

Not anymore.

Bevette, come on!

Hurry up or I'll miss my flight!

- What's the point of puttin' yourself through this?

- We did it your way for 10 years, Jeb.

You can't punish him anymore.

Now you're just punishing me.

You do what you want. I'm goin' to my own son's funeral!

Thank you, Joan.

Rickey would've loved that.

I'm Rickey's drag mother, Dusty Muffin.

Rickey Metcalf or, as we know her,

Rickey Pedia, was...

a big, fucking, flaming comet.

More was more when it came to Rickey.

More laughter, more joy,

more sex, more booze,

more drugs and, yes, more mascara.

Ladies and gentlemen,

with a tribute to Rickey,

Rickey's drag sisters from the rehab mission!

I'm Rickey's mother.

Wait, please. Uh...

I was upset yesterday.

- Oh, when you stormed out of your son's funeral.

I don't storm. I flounce.

And I regret it very much. I apologize.

- Well, there's no freshness date on bullshit.

Whether you believe me or not,

I'm sorry.

But I was expecting a funeral,

not a musical comedy.

- It's how he would've wanted it.

But you wouldn't know that, because you didn't know your son.

Why are you here, Mrs. Metcalf, circling like a vulture for whatever you can get?

- What? - Talk to my lawyer.

I'm sorry for your loss.

- Oh. - Oh, shit. Did I just run over your foot?

No, I'm fine.

You are so delectable.

I'd like to slather you in batter

and pop you in the roaster.

Yes, I would.

- Oh, my God, are you Rickey's mom... from Texas?

Maybelline Metcalf.

I'm Sienna Ellison.

Rickey and I were best friends.

This is also Rickey.

So Nathan wouldn't even let you in?

- He hates me. - He hates everyone right now.

Just go around. It's a baby.

Is Rickey the baby's father?

Oh, God, no. Definitely not.

Do you know who is?

Yeah.

Like 90-something percent. Listen,

the guy left me for some girl he met in line for the new iPhone.

So, like, when he was asleep,

I took pictures of his little, tiny dick,

and then I posted them on all of his chat rooms.

Anyway, he got a restraining order against me, but it was worth it.

- Oh, my. - I know.

It's like every breakup: all that oral sex and it's like you're strangers.

- It must be hard raising a child on your own.

- I would've never gotten pregnant if I knew Rickey was gonna OD.

'Cause Rickey was gonna help me raise the kid, you know?

Fucker. - Honey...

you thought that drug-addicted drag queen across the hall

would be the responsible parent?

He had a lot of love.

But you wouldn't know that, would you?