One Day at a Time

Dale, Dylan, dale. You got this!

Stand right in there, don't be afraid of the ball.

- -

Just shake it off, Dylan! Shake it off!

Yes! Way to take one for the team!

Ay, por el amor de Dios... it is so hot.

- All right, Mami, let's do the wave. - Okay.

Nope.

- Boo! - Lame.

Okay, let's eat. Mami, comida.

Okay, the rice and the frijoles are in the pickle jar...

- and the lechón is in the butter tub... - Mm-hmm.

...and the cookies are in the cookie tin,

but they are not the same cookies that came with the tin.

- We forgot the napkins. - Ah!

Grab some from the snack bar. They make you buy something,

so one of you needs to create a distraction.

Elena, do that thing and ask if there's high-fructose corn syrup in the ketchup.

When she's boring the guy to death, grab the napkins and run.

Or I could just buy something?

- You're hilarious. -

- -

I blew your mente, right?

I've been taking Spanish classes on the DL

so I can be a more productive member of the family. No offense.

Why would I be offended? You're not family.

You know I hate that joke.

Anyway, I always thought I was homolingual,

turns out I'm bi.

Now I'm a little offended.

What?

He thinks you're my daughter.

There's something wrong with your ojos, hombre.

That means "eyes."

I know what it means.

I mean, he's clearly a white guy and I'm clearly Latinx.

Okay.

I'm sorry. Latinx is a gender-neutral alternative to Latino or Latina.

Okay.

And I'm clearly too young to have a 16-year-old.

- Actually... - We're both offended!

Anyway, listen, I know your Spanish isn't exactly totes bueno...

so, if you want, I can teach you.

- Yeah, I don't think so. -

En español...

I will rip your beard off and feed it to you.

En español...

- Okay, Alex is up. Here we go, Mami. - Okay.

- Here we go, papito! -

Come on, dale, bring Dylan home.

Go! Go!

- Yes! Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dale, papito, dale!

Dale, papito, dale!

Dale, papito, dale!

Ooh!

- That's new. Where'd you get that from? - Walmart.

Dale, papito, dale!

What a game, papito!

Hello, Dodgers?

You want Alex Alvarez?

We'll think about it!

A lot of your games are a real snooze, but today was good!

- And then you got that hit! - Dale!

Dale, papito, dale!

Dale, papito, dale!

Whoo, look who's suddenly a sports fan.

Oh! It's not that.

I'm just proud of my heritage. You know, my Cuban heritage.

Okay.

Dale means "go ahead" or "you go."

It's slang, so it's kind of fluid. Very Cuban.

You're Canadian!

Oh! That is so cute and so true!

- I just made it up! - I love it!

Oh, my God, shut up!

Did you just say shut up to God?

Did you just say shut up to me?

Because that's worse.

- Everything you are doing is embarrassing! - That's not getting me on your side.

Well, I don't like all that crazy yelling you guys do at my games!

- And that song, I hate that stupid... - First of all, don't talk to me like that.

Second...

you hate that song?

Okay, that's crazy. That is a beautiful song.

Thank you, Mami.

Alex, you gotta appreciate how these guys support you.

My dad never came to my games.

All he ever did was put me through rehab six times and buy me this building.

Look, all I know is, none of the other parents act like you.

Come on, it's all because we're proud of you, papito.

And stop calling me papito! I'm not a little kid anymore.

My name is Alex, okay? No more papito.

- We'll call you papito. - I will call you papito.

No. No! Papito is not an age thing.

We call Conrad "Macho"

because when he was four, he sang "Macho Man" once.

We call Francisco "Pepe Popo." Figure that out.

I'm called Tata, Lupita, Yoyi.

And my nickname is Pucha. It is the way of our people!

If you don't have a nickname, there's something wrong with you.

- Do I have a nickname? - No.

Anyway, it's a tradition to call you papito,

so we're gonna keep doing it, okay, papito?

No! You need to stop it

and all the embarrassing stuff you guys do at my games.

If you can't, then don't come anymore.

So...

he meant Tata and Pucha, right?

Schnei-Schnei can still go to the games.

You can't give yourself a nickname.

The Amazing Schneider-Man disagrees.

No, we're all still going to the games.

I don't know what's gotten into Alex. He must be tired.

No, no, Lupita.

I know what this is.

Papito...

is making the turn.

The turn?

From beautiful boy to horrible teenager.

Oh, dear. Our sweet little Alejandro.

Where did the tiempo go?

RIP, papito.

He's not dead.

Isn't he though?

Don't worry. It's so much easier after they've grown.

You do everything through the lawyers.

It's been rough. Alex is being really hard on me.

Yeah, well, there's no easy path through it.

Although, if you want some advice...

Yeah. Definitely. Anything.

Whenever possible, treat him like an adult.

If he wants to be called Alex, call him Alex.

Instead of a hug, maybe just try a cool-guy head nod.

'Sup?

Maybe he doesn't want to hang out with you as much.

That's okay.

Holding on too tight is not going to keep it from happening.

Your baby boy is turning into a man.

Yeah.

You're right. That's great advice, Doc.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm sorry!

It's just like, what you said, it made it all just hit me.

My baby being gone and turning into a man.

Why'd you say that, Doc?

I'm sorry! I was just trying to help!

- Don't tell your mother I made you cry. -

I swear it was just yesterday he was a little boy,

and I loved it so much.

It was weird how often he kissed me on the lips and asked me to marry him,

but now I miss it, you know!

You love your kids the same of course, and Elena's amazing,

but Alex is just so cool.

And now he doesn't want to hang out with me anymore?

I'm sorry. Next time I ask if you want my advice, just go like...

Everybody's leaving me.

Alex will be out of the house, married to his wife

with her spray-tanned legs and fake boobs.

I know his type.

And then it'll just be me in my apartment...

with my mom.

Hey, if I'm lucky, maybe I could take her off your hands.

So I'll just be alone?

I'm going to stop talking.

Oh, my God. He is so cute. Can I just smell his head for one minute?

We're still at lunch. Thank you.

I know I'm acting crazy. I just...

Right now I just want to hold Alex and hug him forever.

Hello?

I'm gonna kill that kid.

- It's not that big a deal! - Check your tone.

What happened?

His class went on a field trip to the observatory,

and he punched a kid from another school.

Papito!

Is your hand okay?

You know, I've had enough of you and your teen crap.

I'm not raising a jerk.

I'm not a jerk! The other kid's the jerk!

Everyone's a jerk! It is still not okay to punch them!

Whatever. You don't understand.

Well, make me understand.

Because how is this okay? Did he hit you first?

He was saying stuff!

Okay, so what? So what, he called you a name?

What? Stupid, dummy, goober?

What grade do you think I'm in?

Listen, if papito punched somebody, there is a good reason for it.

Did he prevent you from seeing the Jupiter exhibit?

Because that thing is amazing.

Was it about a woman?

It's okay if it was about a woman.

No, Mami, it's not.