Two and a Half Men

Thanks for coming in, guys.

It's always a pleasure seeing you.

I mean, she's so pretty. You're so pretty.

You know anyone we can set her up with?

I appreciate the thought, but I am perfectly happy

with my... cats.

Anyway...

how would you guys feel about adopting an older child?

Wow. Like, how old are we talking?

Like, I've been taking care of this one since he was 43.

He's been a wonderful provider.

And he only spanks me when I ask him to.

Wow, that is a lot to take in before 10:00 a.m. on a Monday.

That's what he said.

Okay, please stop.

That's what he said.

Oh! The reason I bring it up is because there is

a six-year-old boy who's been bouncing around

the foster system for a while,

and I think he'd be a great match for you guys.

Wow, really?

Uh, well, six is a great age.

Potty-trained but not ashamed of you yet.

Well...

well, uh, can we adopt him right away?

Well, we'd start with a weekend visit.

See if it's a good fit, then, assuming it is,

you guys would become his foster parents.

After six months, if everyone agrees,

you can officially adopt him.

Oh, and-and-and if we don't agree,

can we credit those six months to a kid that we do like?

Wow, I-I always thought we were gonna get a baby,

but I kind of like the idea of giving an older kid a shot.

Well, Louis certainly deserves a shot.

Louis?

Louie?

Aw, sweet Lou.

Lou!

Uh, is he married to that name or can we change it?

Alan.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I just, you know, I had my heart set on Beckett.

Look, I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

Louis has had a rough time.

He's been in foster homes, group homes.

He's moved around a lot.

We thought we had him placed for adoption

a few months ago, but it fell through.

So he's gonna be a little gun-shy.

Well, don't worry about that.

I mean, I'm sure we'll have a great time together.

Just don't expect a lot.

Same thing I told this one on our wedding night.

Wow, I really like this idea.

I mean, I'm gonna... I'm gonna have a son.

How cool is that gonna be?

I mean, and-and you get to relive

all those great father-son moments.

Good thinking. Aah!

Dad? Yeah, buddy?

Bite me.

Yeah, all those

great father-son moments.

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

What the hell?

- Walden? - Up here!

Check it out! Isn't this awesome?

They have one just like it at the Google headquarters!

Oh, you know what you get when you Google

“greatest dad in the world”?

This guy!

What is going on?

What is all this?

Oh, uh, well, I went to the toy store

and got a few things for Louis.

“A few things”? Okay, I don't want to be the guy

to point out the 800-pound gorilla in the room.

But there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room.

I just want him to like it here.

Well, so do I.

But if you build Disneyland in your house,

you'll never get the thrill of taking him to Disneyland.

Ah. You're right.

Damn it. I got to cancel Mickey and Minnie.

What?

Oh, I was gonna have him

wake him up in the morning.

Hey, Louis.

Ready for breakfast?

We've got orange juice

and waffles shaped just like me!

I think it's great that you're so excited about being a dad.

And the best part is... no stretch marks for me.

You know, you're my best friend,

but you're an odd little man.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep.

Oh, I get it. Excited about tomorrow?

More like terrified about tomorrow.

Why are you getting paper towels

in the middle of the.. Oh, you... Never mind.

I don't want to know.

That's a good call.

You want to talk about it?

There's a kid showing up here tomorrow.

And he needs a dad, and I don't know if I can do it.

What? Why not?

Well, I've never had a successful relationship

with anyone in my life except for you.

Four years next Thursday.

Yeah, I got your wish list.

They're just ideas. Make it your own.

Look, the fact that you've screwed up with women

doesn't mean you can't be a great father.

I don't even know what a good dad looks like.

I mean, I know what a bad dad looks like.

It's an empty chair across the table from my mom.

Which later gets filled by my “Uncle Kenneth”

who sold speedboats.

And “Uncle Rob” who sold insurance.

Then “Uncle Stan” who sold pot.

I liked Uncle Stan.

I get it. I didn't grow up with a dad, either.

When Jake was born, I was scared out of my mind.

Why were you scared? You're a great dad.

Okay, I'm gonna tell you something

that I've, I've never told anybody before.

When Jake was a baby...

I dropped him.

Right smack on his head.

Oh, my God.

Now I feel awful about all the times I said,

“Were you dropped on your head as a baby?”

My point is that Jake turned out fine.

I mean, sure, he had to repeat seventh grade math

a couple of times, but he was born at the right time.

You know? Computers.

Wait, so what you're saying is

even if I screw up a little, it's not the end of the world?

The fact that you're worried about being a good dad

is what's gonna make you a great one.

Thanks. Hmm.

You're a good friend.

All right.

I'm gonna go get some sleep.

Good night. Good night.

Oh, Baby Jake.

It'll be nice having a kid around here again.

Running up and down the stairs.

Laughing at all the silliest things.

And they'll believe almost anything you tell them.

No kidding.

Jake still thinks one of the first men

on the moon was Buzz Lightyear.

Ha!

I'll get it!

You got to admit that would've been way cooler with a slide.

Look who's here. Hi, guys.

This is Louis.

Hi, Louis! Sweet Lou!

Lou!

We're not booing, we're Lou-ing.

Louis, this is Walden and Alan.

Hi.

You're gonna be staying

with them for the weekend.

Oh, uh, don't worry, buddy,

I was only supposed to stay here for a weekend, too.

12 years later.

Oh, and, uh,

this is Berta. Uh, she helps

take care of us around here.

Look at that face.

Walden, you might have some competition

for the best looking man in the house.

You mean so-some more competition?

Nope.

Do you have any Cheez-Its?

Uh, well, if we don't, we could get some.

Okay, I'll stay.

All right, well, I want you guys

to get to know each other, so I'm gonna go.

But you have my number if you need anything.

Oh, uh, wait.

Uh, does-does he come with an instruction manual or something?

You'll be fine. Bye, Louis.

Uh, okay, uh...

should we have tipped her?

You're asking me?

I don't even tip the pizza guy.

I don't like pizza.

I like Cheez-Its.

Oh, well, you know, when you think about it,

a pizza is just a really big Cheez-It

with sauce.

We're gonna get Cheez-Its, right?

Berta?

I'm on it.