My Name Is Earl

Emergency personnel would like to reiterate

that the mudslide in question is a natural disaster,

not a giant alcoholic beverage.

They ask that citizens please stop driving toward it.

And in lighter news,

it's time to turn our spotlight on a local loony.

Let's meet Joy Turner, Camden's Loser of the Week.

There was a reason why Joy was on the Camden Loser of the Week segment,

and it was all my fault. It started a few years back

when Joy was making an audition tape for Fear Factor.

Unfortunately, I was responsible for sending the tape in and...

it didn't quite make it there.

So I got her another shot at being famous

on a game show where people can challenge Erik Estrada to anything,

but instead of becoming famous, she looked like a psycho,

and even worse, I wound up blowing Darnell's cover

in the witness protection program,

which meant the family had to pack, except for one member.

As you all know from the fliers I put up,

Mr. Turtle remains lost.

The good news is: I gave him plenty of survival training,

so I expect his imminent return. So here's his food,

his favorite scarf, and his lip balm for the dry season.

Next thing we knew,

the government snatched Joy, Darnell and the boys away.

And even though me and Randy were woozy from the needles stuck in our necks,

I still knew what I had to do.

I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true.

We got to find them. Which wasn't going to be easy

'cause the Turner family was already in a witness relocation facility.

I know it's small, but it was good enough for Tupac.

You didn't hear that.

DARNELL OUTED (PART 2)

Joy, Darnell and the kids were waiting to start their new lives.

We have been locked for hours...

No idea where we are or what happens next...

and I still don't know what you did to get in the program in the first place.

Nobody does, except for Mr. Turtle,

and it's not like he's telling anybody,

for one, because he's lost, and for two,

you know, he's a turtle.

Mr. and Mrs. Turner, sorry to keep you waiting so long.

Inside this packet you will find your new family identity.

I'll give you a little time to look it over.

The Rosensteins?

I do speak Hebrew.

We're from Columbus... We bowl.

Other hobbies include designing clothes for our pet collie.

We got to get something better than this.

We're trailer park underachievers with two hyperactive, pre-diabetic kids.

How is this not better?

Since we didn't know where to start,

we combed the trailer park, looking for any clue we could find.

Then, one walked right by us.

Sorry, I didn't see you over there. You're on my bad side.

Bad side? No way.

The side with the eye patch kicks ass.

Any mail for the Turners?

They must have moved because all their mail is being forwarded.

- Any idea where their mail's going? - Don't know.

Just know it's being forwarded.

That got me thinking.

If Joy and Darnell's mail was finding them, I could, too.

You know, you spend years hoping for an excuse

to mail yourself somewhere in a cool wooden crate,

but when you actually get in the crate, it's not so glamorous.

All this complaining, and you guys are in a first-class box.

Americans are so spoiled.

While me and Randy were trying to get to Joy,

Joy was trying to get to the life she wanted.

So you're not happy with the name you've been given.

That's right.

You'd like your name to be Goldie Crystal.

My full name would be Goldilocks,

it's pronounced "Cristal" like what Diddy drinks.

Sorry. New identities are worked out in a top secret wing of the Pentagon.

The names are the result of complicated mathematical algorithms.

Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein?

Look at this face. Do I look like a Phyllis to you?

No, I look like the woman Marty leaves Phyllis for.

I'm just trying to help.

They don't have this in Columbus.

I got to be from some place classy like Panama City Beach, Florida.

And one more thing: a lady like me don't make clothes for dogs.

Only thing I ever sewed was my stab wound on prom night.

With all due respect, Mrs. Rosenstein,

things don't work that way.

This is who you are now.

Give it some time. You'll get used to it.

Not now.

He wouldn't let me change one mouse-farting thing.

I guess I'm really going to be Phyllis Rosenstein

for the rest of my life.

It's just a name. We're still the same people,

except we're Jewish

and they're considering changing my blood type.

O positive.

Mommy, did you get our new names changed?

Ira, Lenny,

I did all I could.

This is exciting.

Yeah, it kind of is, Randy.

We haven't taken a trip together in a long time.

That's if you don't count my dreams every night

where we visit all the great places in the world.

Last night we were on a safari.

You made love to a hippo.

You always make love in my dreams.

Someone's coming.

If that's you in there, have a good vacation.

We were on our way to get to Joy and Darnell,

and we weren't the only ones looking for 'em.

While we were heading out to find the Turners,

the Turners were turning into the Rosensteins.

Dag, I can't believe it took me into my 30s

to find out I look this good in tweed.

Shalom, Dad.

Shalom, boys.

Baby, come out. Let's see who Marty gets to cuddle with tonight.

Oh, man.

Perfect. No one will pay any attention to you,

especially men.

I know.

How could you do this to me?

It's like you took an episode of The Swan and ran it backwards.

Oh, my God. I'm a before.

We all got to sacrifice.

They're going to surgically take my hair off and graft it to my face.

It's a new process, we're very proud of it.

Here's a picture of what he'll look like.

And we plan on you gaining 30 pounds.

Double-stuffed tater skins?

You're trying to turn me into a fatty.

You're trying to mess with this?

Hell, no.

Where is she going?

Does she know we're in a bunker half a mile under the Mall of America?

Baby, you in here?

It's hard to track her when she's not chewing gum.

I usually just follow the scent of strawberry-kiwi Hubba Bubba.

Listen, you got to get her under control.

She's a risk, Harry.

That's why you were advised to leave Camden,

so you wouldn't get mixed up with people like her.

That's my wife.

You were only supposed to be in Camden for six months.

Now, if you'd taken that job we had for you in Tokyo,

you would have been the one who invented Dance Dance Revolution ,

but you wanted to waste your life in a trailer park.

That wasn't a waste. That was the best decision of my life.

You could have left Camden?

They wanted you to leave Camden

and go off to the glamorous beaches of Tokyo, and you didn't do it?

I couldn't leave my baby.

I love you, Marty Rosenstein.

I'll hold up my end of the deal,

no matter how much it hurts.

I hear you.

They're going to snip off the tip of my penis tomorrow.

Being in that box was fun at first,

but 6 hours and 3 truck changes later,

the fun was wearing off.

This is horrible.

I'm starving, and I already ate the emergency jerky I keep in my cheek.

All right, I was going to save this for later, but...

I caught a cricket.

- You want to split it? - Yes, please.

What do you want... breast or thigh?

Breast.

This must be a female one. I taste a little milk.

I got to taste something else to make the flavor go away.

You're not licking me.

Don't you see what's happening?

Getting shocked, eating bugs.

These are things Joy did on her Fear Factor tape.

Karma's punishing us for ruining her dream.

We're stopping.

- I think we're here. - What do we do now?

Wait for them to open us.

Knowing all Darnell sacrificed for her,

Joy decided to be the best Phyllis Rosenstein ever.

We're going to start with a grocery store.

Excuse me, Miss,

you look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. See if any of this rings a bell.

I was raised in Columbus, Ohio, but I was born in Sandusky.

I was bat-mitzvahed at Temple Beth Torah.

What a party.

Had my first dance with Shmokey Bernstein.