if....

# Stand up, stand up #

# For College #

# Each manly voice upraise #

# Clasp each the hand #

# In brotherhood #

# And raise the roof#

# With praise #

# And when these days of school #

# Are past #

# Though we'll be near or far#

# We'll stand again for College #

# Who made us what we are #

- Get that trunk out of the way! - Hey! Hey!

Machin, you bloody shag!

Where's my hockey stick?

Oi! Where's my hockey stick?

Run in the corridor! Run!

Biles, you freak, where are you?

Excuse me. I can't see my name. I'm new.

You don't speak to us. You're a scum, aren't you?

- I don't know. - Of course he's a scum.

You're blocking my view, scum.

Scum!

Biles, Markland.

Biles, take these to my study.

And this.

And watch those eggs.

Markland, warm a lavatory seat for me. I'll be ready in three minutes.

- And who are you? - Please, sir, I'm Jute.

Are you indeed?

Brunning!

This is Jute.

You're Jute's bumf tutor. Take him to the sweat room.

And, Jute.

You don't call me "Sir."

Run! Run in the corridor!

No! Mercy! Plead mercy!

Jute!

Here. Jute.

This is your place. Books and magazines here.

Food in the locker.

Pinups over here, okay?

Silence in the sweat room!

I would like to remind the sweat room that no tinned or potted foods are allowed...

except tinned fruit and baked beans without meat.

Shut up!

Duty scumming list now up.

Junior table and exercise list up in five minutes.

Get on with it.

- Come on up, Bobby. - We want to stroke you.

You two! Get upstairs and behave yourselves.

And you, Philips, stop tarting.

I'm not tarting.

You need a haircut.

Right! Get a move on. You've got 30 minutes to get out and get your trunks up into the loft.

God. It's Guy Fawkes back again.

- Hello, Michael. - Hello, Mick.

You've got 29 minutes left.

Oh, can it, bog face.

Lay off it, Stephans. You're monotonous already.

Being lippy, Knightly?

Tidy this disgusting mess.

What the hell's that?

Hey! Peanuts has come back with a bloody ray gun.

It's a bloody ray gun.

God, Stephans, you're so ignorant. Anyone can see it's a shag spot burner.

Clear your face up in a couple of seconds.

Actually, it's a six-inch standard reflecting telescope.

Well, get it out of here.

Knightly, stop preening yourself in that mirror.

Preen, preen, preen and pride.

Travis, you're in the house.

Take that crap off!

Go on! Catch him.

- Travis! - Sorry, Denson.

God, you're ugly. You look evil.

Yeah. My face is a never-fading source of wonder to me.

What did you grow it for?

To hide my sins.

Scum!

What do you think of him?

Fantastic.

Put him right in the middle.

Fantastic.

Do you know what I did this summer? Built a hut in the woods.

Lived there for three weeks by myself, till I ran out of food.

It was an experiment in asceticism.

Penetrating the inner core of my being.

You do anything good?

I...

met this fantastic bird in the East End, went round all the pubs.

You ever been to those pubs?

You should see those old loves dancing...

showing their knickers.

Take 'em off near the end.

She had a Wei rd religion - only kiss on Thursdays.

Took me home to meet her mum and dad. Well, that finished it.

Practically married us off, they did, over the Sunday joint.

When do we live? That's what I want to know.

- Wally! - Hey, Wallace! Wally-Bum, come with us.

Come on. We're gonna have our tiny parts inspected.

Here, he's not wearing a vest already, is he?

Pass the message down to Biles: Biles, why are you a freak?

Biles, why are you a freak?

Shag off, you creeps!

Shh!

Now listen. You've got to know all the seniors' names. Ask me who someone is.

Brunning, damn you! Stop talking!

This term I've just one thing to say to you.

One rule.

Follow it, and you won't go wrong.

And it is this:

Work...

play...

but don't mix the two.

Perhaps some of you new boys are a little bewildered...

by the rapid succession of events which has overtaken you since your arrival.

But you'll soon find your way about.

Just remember that life here is a matter of give and take.

We are your new family...

and you must expect the rough-and-tumble that goes with any family life.

We're all here to help each other.

You will find here in College House...

a discipline not only to help others, but also to help yourselves.

Help the house, and you will be helped by the house.

Now I'd like to extend a warm welcome to our new undermaster, Mr. Thomas.

I'm sure you'll all help him to find his feet.

Last summer...

this house got itself a reputation for being disgustingly slack.

This term, things are going to be different.

If there's any repetition of that deplorable lack of spirit...

I shall come crashing down on offenders.

We don't intend to carry passengers.

I'd like to remind the house that it's winter term...

and that lockup is at 5:00 P.M.

Anyone leaving the house after that time must have a leave signed by a whip.

The town, of course, is out of bounds.

Line up in the usual way for medical inspection!

Line up here! Alphabetical order!

- Stop talking! - Be quiet!

- Health certificate? Ringworm? - No.

- Ringworm? - Eye disease? V.D.?

- Eye disease? - Confirmation class?

- Confirmation class? Next. - Next.

- Next. - Confirmation class? Ringworm?

- No. - Eye disease? V.D.?

- Confirmation class? - No.

- Confirmation class? - Wake up, you!

- Next. - Certificate.

- Ringworm? Eye disease. - No.

- V.D.? Confirmation class? - Eye disease?

V.D.? Confirmation class?

- Ringworm? - Right. Next!

# Sit down, sit down for Jesus #

# The buggers at the back can't see #

- Quiet in the dormitory! - # Sit down, sit down for Jesus #

Quiet!

Look at Fatso's blubber! It's disgusting. It's a disease.

Christ! I'm infected.

I've got "elephantitis"!

Come on. Get out of it. Get out. Get -

Come on. Move it.

Come on, Keating. Get out!

Fatso hasn't got elephantiasis. He's just a fat Jew.

Watch it, spotty.

You're not a whip yet.

Look, any more lip from you two, you'll be down for a cold shower.

Dormitory inspection in three minutes!

Central heating doesn't come this far, I'm afraid...

but the room itself is quite warm.

It's a little bare, but Mr. Britton made it very snug.

The marvelous thing is, you're completely quiet up here.

You can see the chapel spire when the leaves fall.

Have you a shilling?

Yes.

Do come down and see us if you're at all lonely.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Kemp.

Junior dormitory inspection now!

- What's this? - My diary.

Well, keep it downstairs in the sweat room.

All right. Good standard, Machin. Keep it up. Good night.

Good night.

Come on, Travis. Stop showing off.

Senior dormitory inspection now!

- Good evening. - Evening.

Your hair's still long. Get it cut.

Otherwise, very good, Stephans.

Lights out in 30 seconds.

- Good night. - No talking.

Silence!

Jolly, jolly good, Stephans.

Jolly, jolly good, Stephans. Jolly, jolly good.

Oh, jolly, jolly good, Stephans. Jolly, jolly good.

You three had better watch it.

Don't push us, Stephans. The day's coming.

What day?

One night we're gonna massacre you, Stephans. I'll do you for free.

Townside windows and skylights open tonight!

Lights out!

Stephans.