Go On

Fan appreciation night is an event

we take very seriously here at K-Bal.

You two have had issues in the past.

I need to know you can make this work.

I'm a professional. Talk to Dennis.

I'm sorry.

One of my illustrations was published.

You were saying?

Look, I do a smart show. I want to keep things classy.

This guy, a lot of first-thought mimicry.

Plays to the lowest common denominator.

There's clearly a jealousy issue here.

Well, I'm sorry if you feel jealous.

No, not me. You.

You, the fake ball, are jealous of me,

the person.

Why would I be jealous of you?

It's wonderful in here.

Life is simple.

I know what people want from me,

and I know how to give it to them.

How often is that true for you, Ryan?

Not that often.

How's the love life, Ryan?

Guessing not so good.

Why is it so hard for you to connect with people?

Let's have a special show.

Thank you for coming, Ry-nos.

And I say that because I'm Ryan,

not because you're large and rhinoceros-like.

But thank you for being the greatest fans

in the whole world.

Hey, is this where the big balls hang out?

Seriously?

Do you want 'em to love you or respect you?

Because you can't have both, my friend.

Monkey it up. You know you want to.

All: Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!

I hate you.

Carrie, you'd rather be me than the mascot, right?

I can't keep having this conversation.

- Hey, Ryan. - Wow.

- Hola. - Hey, guys.

Thanks for coming.

I never get to say this,

but who are all these weirdos?

Ryan's fans.

I have a date, so I'm tapping out.

As the only woman here, a little advice, ladies:

Stay in pairs. Don't stop moving.

They will try to smell you.

But the good news is, they fear eye contact.

What? Huh? You want something?

Hmm?

- All right. - Yeah.

This is crazy.

They all look just like Angus, my ex-fiance.

Everywhere I turn, Angus, Angus, Angus.

Hey, honey, let's get a drink.

I'm here. We'll talk through this.

What would I do without you, Lauren?

Aw. What are you looking at, huh?

You want something?

Come on, Ry-nos.

They're just girls.

Hey.

You didn't tell me Lauren was gonna be here.

This is awkward.

The last time we were together, I got a serious vibe.

What are you talking about, man?

She's about to get married.

That's when it happens.

Wedding day gets closer, they want to make a mistake.

See, I don't want to wreck a marriage,

but Lauren calls me, I'm... I'm thinking about it.

- Really? - Totally.

You telling me you've never thought about it?

Everybody thinks about it with everybody.

I've never thought about it.

I don't trust myself around her.

It's time to de-sexify.

Undo the tie, ruin the hair.

Oh, my God. You look even better.

Damn my Keira Knightley cheekbones!

You know, I've always felt that Keira Knightley has,

like, three too many teeth.

I'm just gonna stay away from her.

You should be careful too.

She might come around looking for her second choice.

Or third choice.

Man, that guy does have a lot of fun.

Message one.

Ryan, it's ball, the mascot.

Sorry for the drunk dial.

Listen, I was just thinking about you

and your inability to connect with women

since Janie's passing.

Sorry, I made a new friend.

Everyone wants to go home with the mascot.

But do they want to wake up with Dennis?

Okay.

Message two. Unknown caller.

Ryan, I want you.

You want me. Come here now.

And bring a pizza.

Oh, no.

De-sexify, de-sexify.

How come it works when I do it?

- Ryan. - Listen.

You want to blow up your relationship?

I get it.

Am I flattered that you chose me?

Yes. But I can't.

What... what is happening?

- You drunk-dialed me. - No, I didn't.

No, the bad girl who's inside you

who wants to mess up her life

with the hottest guy she knows did.

The good news is, I've decided

I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Once you get over your disappointment,

you'll thank me.

I didn't leave this message.

I love Wyatt. I've been asleep since midnight.

And I haven't had pizza since 2009.

October 5, 2009.

Well, this is not awkward

because of the fact that you are having

a dream...

A crazy dream.

Wind...You can fly.

You're gonna fly later.

I am aware that I am not dreaming.

All right, just tell me.

The ball isn't here, is he?

- Ryan! - Okay, I'm sorry.

- You're fine. - Yeah.

I thought you were freaking out,

but you don't need my help.

You're gonna marry Wyatt.

He's perfect.

Good night.

- Help me. - What?

Help me. I don't want to marry him.

- You just said you loved him. - Feels so good to say it.

I don't wanna marry Wyatt. I don't wanna marry Wyatt.

- I don't wanna marry Wyatt! - Babe?

- Oh, my God! - Nothing.

Ryan, what's going on?

You need her to fix your mind

or me to fix your back?

Mind.

Mind the gap.

Mind over matter. Don't mind if I do.

I'll leave you guys to it.

I'm gonna go bake some bread.

It's that time of the night my grammy would do it.

It's moments like those I feel closest to her.

You don't want to be with him.

The bread-baking grandma lover.

You have to tell him immediately.

I know.

This has gone on for far too long.

Okay.

That's the way he sings?

He is bringing out in me a longing for the old country.

Oh, ho, ho, party girl overdid it last night.

Party girl say what? Party girl say, "yolo"!

Mm, you guys suck.

I had the worst night last night.

Boys my age are idiots.

Yeah, I had a weird night too.

Apparently, last night's festivities

included a rogue lady fan

who somehow got my cell

and left me a message professing her love

for me and pizza.

Oh, don't say pizza.

The last thing I remember is drinking

an entire bottle of red wine,

watching a Katherine heigl movie on purpose,

and ordering a large pepperoni at 12:30.

That's strange. At 1:15, I called...

Oh, God. Feelings learned.

Weird. Awful.

Ooh. Awkward moment, huh?

Not in here.

Look, you have a Carrie issue. We're all here.

Come work it out.

If I walk past Carrie,

she's gonna want to talk about stuff.

There's nothing worse than a relationship conversation.

Ugh, yeah, Patty was the queen of "we need to talk."

I once stabbed myself with scissors

to halt a "we need" in progress.

23 stitches. Was worth it.

Well, do you like Carrie?

Well, yeah.

She's great. She's really cute.

But she's younger than me.