Hal Sparks: Charmageddon

Please welcome

Hal Sparks!

Hi. Yeah!

Hi!

That's what I'm talking about.

It is, uh...

Hi.

It is amazing to be here.

You guys are beautiful. And, it's, uh...

It's great to be here in Santa Ana. Yeah

As a resident of Los Angeles,

I would like to thank you for the wind.

Um...

For those of you that aren't familiar, or you at home,

every year, once a year, everyone in Santa Ana apparently

exhales all at once...

...and the heat travels north

and sets Los Angeles on fire, so...

Thanks for adding fire to our weather reports.

It's been a very exciting year.

I, uh... I... I cut my hair.

Uh, this was...

Yeah... I know, I know. I grew my hair out for a couple movies,

and then I cut it for Locks of Love, the cancer charity.

- Thank you. That's very sweet.

Yeah, where were you fuckers

when I had it? You were so...

I don't get it in this culture.

I don't understand it.

Everybody... You grow your hair out,

and the whole world becomes your fucking mom. I don't...

Everybody was, like, "Oh, why?

"Oh, why? Why would you do that?

"Why would you grow your hair out?

"You look so cute with your short hair.

"Why would you grow your hair out?

"You know what? I'm just worried that people

"will think you're a bad person.

"That's why."

Yeah, sure. Like all those assholes in history with long hair.

Like, uh, Jesus...

...and the apostles and God in every fucking picture I've ever seen.

You ever seen God with a flattop?

No, you have not.

Always long, flowing locks,

so fuck off!

And here...

Here's the weird thing.

Got my long-haired peeps in the house.

I can see 'em.

And the weird thing is, you go...

You can shave your head bald, and it's no problem.

Like, there's some gleamers here tonight.

I can see. You're blinding me.

Absolutely.

And it looks totally stylish.

It is totally in.

You can grow the Van Dyke, you know?

The little prison pussy.

Mustache-beard combo.

And wear sunglasses, and it looks bad-ass and good on you.

But I would like to remind you...

...that not that long ago,

if you were walking down the street, and you saw four bald guys,

and you were any other color than they were,

you'd walk in traffic to get away from those assholes.

"Fuck. When did they get a permit to march?

"Holy shit."

When I was growing up, there were only two bald guys in the whole world.

Ming the Merciless and Lex Luthor. They were fuckin' assholes.

Planet killers.

There's only one good guy.

One good guy, Mr. Clean.

Right. Mr. Clean.

But he was fucking your mom

while your dad was at work,

so he was an asshole, too. So, fuck Mr. Clean.

I mean, was there ever a man in those ads?

No. Just a lot of muscles and winking and...

What are they cleaning up after?

I'm just saying, the whole thing

is very suspect. I don't trust him.

So fuck Mr. Clean and bald.

If I want to grow my hair out again, I will, goddamn it.

You know what it is?

Long hair in our culture is an auto-judgment thing.

People see you, and they assume

things about you immediately, because you have long hair.

It's like tattoos. Anybody have tattoos here?

Yeah.

Don't you get the same shit,

darlin', where people go

"Oh, aren't you worried?"

"Aren't you worried that when you get older,

"your skin's gonna look bad?"

I got news for you, folks.

All skin looks like shit when you're old.

That's why we lose our eyesight.

It's nature's Photoshop.

It smoothes everything out.

Old people don't mind wrinkles.

They don't fuckin' see 'em anymore.

You look hot.

Nobody with 20/20 vision has ever gone,

"You're just as beautiful as the day I met you, darling."

"Sixty-five wonderful years we've been together."

"I'm over here."

"You're just as beautiful as the day I met you, darlin'."

You mark my words.

Lasik is gonna fuck up more long-term relationships than anything.

Your grandparents have been together for 45 years,

and one trip to the mall for eye surgery...

"Jesus Christ, you've let yourself go!"

"You look like a catcher's mitt.

"This is fuckin' embarrassing."

"I'm gonna go scare me upa piece of ass right now, buddy.

"I'll tell you that."

I'm assuming they don't use that phrase in Santa Ana.

I grew up in Kentucky, and when I turned 14,

my dad gave me a piece of advice.

He said "Fourteen, 'bout time

"you go out there and scare you up a piece of ass."

Um...

Let's break that down, shall we?

Um...

"Scare you up."

Like women are quail hiding in a bush,

waiting to be frightened into liking you. Boo!

"They got away again."

And "a piece of ass"?

Really? Really, a piece of ass?

Piece of ass is a horrible thing to call a woman.

A piece of ass.

Piece of ass sounds like something an FBI agent finds in a field.

"Um, Control, this is Agent Jenkins.

"I've found what appears to be a, um..."

"That's a piece of ass.

"I'm gonna... Ew... Flag it and tag it and bag it."

Um...

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I deliver. I deliver.

As I said, I'm originally from Kentucky.

Yeah, don't even fuckin' pretend.

Um...

It's fun being, you know, living in L.A., or even traveling the country,

you know, when people go, "Hey, where are you from originally?"

And I go, "Kentucky."

And they go, "Nuh-uh."

Why the fuck would I make that up?

Why would...

Who pretends to be from Kentucky?

I'm, like, "Why don't you believe I'm from Kentucky?"

And they're like, "'Cause you don't have a accent."

Well, I've lost my accent.

Actually, that's not true. That's not true.

I didn't... I didn't lose my accent.

I took it into an alley in Chicago, and I shot it in the fucking head.

I was, like...

"You're not gonna stop me from getting laid ever again,

"you stupid redneck accent."

Because a Southern accent on a dude is fucking horrible.

On a woman, it's nice.

Women can pull off a Southern accent.

Yeah, 'cause it's got that

Georgia peach lilt to it, you know?

That, "Oh, my God, how are y'all?"

"This is so fun. Oh, my God.

"God bless you.

"God bless you.

"This is so great.

"Did you bake that casserole yourself?

"My goodness.

"Those are some awfully tight Wranglers you have on."

"Would you like to come in and have some pie?"

"Fuck, yeah, I want pie.

"That sounds awesome."

Sexy. Dude with a Southern accent,

probably the worst thing a woman can experience in a singles bar

in her whole fucking life.

Like, "Hey, baby, how you doing?

"I just hitchhiked down here from the Appalachian mountains

"to abduct some woman 'cause I'm so fucking inbred,

"my family tree looks like the Olympic rings.

"Get in the truck."

You know?

You know the, uh...

All true stories.

I, uh...

You don't want to...

It was horrible for me trying to pick up a girl.

I went, "Hey, ladies. How y'all doing?"

Um...

Yeah. You know the real reason why I lost my accent, though?

You know? And why you're gonna have to lose one if you have one, too?

It's 'cause they've automated 411.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're talking to a robot.

You can't have an accent and get a fuckin' number anymore.

This is the future.

You can't be, like, "For what city and state?"