Flirting

I remember the smells most.

Stale lockers with fruitcakes rotting into the wood.

Crusty shoe polish.

Damp towels.

Quink ink for fountain pens.

Disinfectant on the floors of the shower block.

Fresh chalk.

Moldy oranges blue with mildew.

And on a rainy day...

the deep, rank, wild smell of discarded football boots.

And I remember pain.

But... only vaguely.

I had a thick hide by then.

They'd sent me to boarding school...

so I wouldn't become a delinquent.

Don't wet yourself, Embling.

- For some reason... - Next.

this caused the letters "H" as in Heaven...

- and "W" as in... - Psychopath.

And "W" as in women to sometimes be unsayable.

Bend over.

Next.

Take a look at Backa's, will you?

What about Embling?

Show us your stripes, Embling.

He's probably bawling.

- What about Desert Head? - Keep it quiet.

Where's your camera?

Come on. Fair go.

- Take one. - Don't piss around.

- Chrome dome. - Get out!

If I hear anything more, it'll be six for the lot of you.

One thing about boarding school...

twenty-four hours a day, you were surrounded.

Bird.

Either you abandoned yourself and became a herd animal...

or you dug a cave deep into your head...

and skulked inside...

peering through your eye sockets.

At the source of major solace and inspiration...

our sister seat of learning...

Cirencester Ladies College.

The two schools stared across the lake at each other...

like brooding volcanoes.

When I was asleep...

I used to leave my body...

and drift the cold currents to the Cirencester grounds...

where I hovered like a dark angel.

Anyone got a banana?

Jock.

How's it going?

Good.

We'll run all over them in the second half.

Will you be around after?

Probably.

See you then.

Send him to the knackery.

Bandits at seven o'clock.

- How about those two? - A bit young.

- They're our age. - Like I said, a bit young.

I go for the mature male.

When the devil rings a bell...

all the cat-eyes go to hell. Yeah!

We need another stretcher.

- Good match? - Yeah.

Three badly injured so far.

You don't sound very patriotic.

No, I'm not.

Aren't you interested in football?

Only from an anthropological viewpoint.

What are you talking about?

It's a form of mating ritual.

What?

That's why you're here, isn't it?

You're deranged.

You're incredibly rude, did you know that?

That's why I haven't got friends.

- I'm not surprised. - I take pity on him.

I'd say it's wasted. Come on.

Brilliant.

From Greenland's icy mountains

From India's coral strand

Where Africa's sunny fountains

Roll down their golden sand

From many an ancient river

From many a balmy plain

They call us to deliver

Their land from error's shame

United States Marines...

began landing yesterday north of Da Nang...

to take up security duties around the large jet airfield.

They are the first U.S. ground combat troops...

- Excuse me. - Do you mind?

There are other things going on in the world...

besides skinny rock 'n' roll singers jumping around.

Yes, of course.

Little Miss Sophistication can tell us all about it.

It might actually concern you.

I doubt if it'll concern you.

They're certainly not going to mention Uganda.

I never heard it mentioned ever.

They're not even in the Olympic games.

Probably not eligible.

They would be

You bitch!

Sorry. Slipped on a banana.

Do you see what I see?

Australia's answer to Ursula Andress.

She folds her legs.

In doing so, I glimpse Xanadu.

Good afternoon.

The subject of today's debate is...

that this house agrees with Bertrand Russell...

that intellectual pursuits...

are the highest form of human endeavor.

And it'll be ladies first.

Speaking for the affirmative...

Miss Nicola Radcliffe.

Professor Barbour, Reverend Nicholson...

members of the adjudicating panel...

ladies and gentlemen.

And others.

The central thrust of our argument...

will be that the pleasures of the intellect...

are of a higher order altogether...

as opposed to the other simple pleasures of life.

And, to this end, we will be citing evidence...

from such illustrious sources...

as William Shakespeare, Immanuel Kant...

Alfred, Lord Tennyson...

Bishop Barclay, Samuel Pepys...

Sir Robert Menzies, Aristotle...

and the Duke of Edinburgh.

Firstly, to begin with William Shakespeare...

I'd like to suggest that rugby football...

is the highest form...

of...

Highest form of...

human endeavor.

How can one go past...

the fluid inspiration of Jock Blair...

sprinting down the wing for a brilliant try?

How can one not be moved to tears...

by the naked courage of a smaller player...

hurling himself at a much larger opponent...

bouncing off, but picking himself up again and again...

in a frenzy of guts and determination?

Rugby football embodies...

all the noblest virtues...

enshrined in a school like ours- -

teamwork, bravery...

pride, school spirit...

creativity, intelligence...

love of one's fellow man- -

surely the virtues...

which distinguish human beings...

from brute animals.

- The final speaker... - Good stuff.

for the affirmative side is Miss Thandiwe Adjewa.

Having listened carefully to the speakers of both sides...

and wishing to be totally impartial...

I feel the position...

for which my team is arguing is untenable...

though not for the tedious reasons...

given by our opponents...

the last speaker excepted.

My colleagues have quoted...

many poets and philosophers to support our case...

that intellectual pursuits are the highest form...

of human endeavor...

but most contemporary artists...

seem more interested in bodily functions.

For example...

"I don't want you toast my bread.

"I don't want you make my bed."

"I don't want your money, too.

"I just want to make love to you."

"Tutti frutti, au rutti."

"A- wop- bop a- loom- op a- lop bam boom."

If these philosopher- poets are any guide...

the so- called animal side of human beings...

leaves the intellectual side for dead.

Is this just a recent development...

or are we only now becoming mature enough...

to reveal our dirty washing?

Time?

About one minute.

You were not only totally disloyal to the school...

by deliberately throwing away the debate...

but you reduced the occasion to a gutter level.

I can't imagine that you were encouraged...

to get away with that at school in England...

but I can certainly guarantee you won't be given...

the opportunity to repeat such behavior here.

She didn't mean to be offensive.

She made a mockery of the whole debate.

If you believe rock 'n' roll songs are equal to poetry...

then I wonder what they teach you over there at all.

At any rate, I shall be speaking...

to the headmistress in the morning.