The X-Files

Anson. Where are you, Anson?

Anson. Come back, Anson.

Anson. Calling Anson.

Where are you, Anson?

Anson!

Anson. Calling Anson.

Where are you, Anson?

Anson!

Where are you, Anson?

Anson! Get out here!

I've warned you about your attitude. Did you clean out 407?

No... of course you haven't cleaned out 407. You've only had all damn morning.

You think you'll ever own any of those boats, the way you're going?

You think you're ever going to amount to anything? You can't even finish a simple job.

- A monkey could do this job, all right, Jay? - You can't, so what's that say about you?

- Shut up. - Excuse me?

I didn't catch that.

You clean out 407, you move out that deadbeat's stuff, and you do it now.

And when I come back in an hour, it better be done.

Anson?

Anson?

Son of a...

Anson.

Anson!

Aw, that's it, Anson. Do you hear me, Ans...?

Mmff!

Can I get you some coffee? Water? Anything?

Morning.

Morning.

Special Agent Dana Scully, this is, uh, this is Jay Gilmore.

Agh! Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet... Likewise.

Mr Gilmore came all the way to see us from Missouri, the Show Me State.

They told me you were the people to best understand my sit...

- My sit... - It's OK.

Uh, this is Mr Gilmore's... situation.

This condition came on suddenly a month ago.

Anson Stokes. He did this to me.

I don't know how. I just... I know it was him.

Anson Stokes is a former employee at the self-storage yard that Mr Gilmore owns.

- There was bad blood between you two. - He told me to shut up!

Huh?!

Yeah. And then Mr Gilmore was, uh... stricken...

stricken... stricken, and Anson Stokes was nowhere to be found.

He resurfaced days later. The police wanted to question him, but he refused.

Do you know what he said? He said they had nothing on him.

Well, to be fair, sir, they didn't. They don't.

They had to make me a whole new mouth.

Do you think Blue Cross is going to pay for this? Uh-uh.

I demand justice!

Ow.

- All I'm saying is... - I know.

This may not be a crime, and Stokes may know nothing about it.

There is a condition called microstomia - "small mouth" - which is, uh...

It's brought on by scleroderma. It's the overproduction of collagen.

It can actually reduce a person's mouth to a tiny little opening.

But that takes months to develop. It doesn't happen in the blink of an eye.

Surgeons are stumped. They're writing it up in the New England Journal of Medicine.

There's always nasal aplasia - the absence of a nose.

That's a nose. We're talking mouth here.

What we're talking is medical, physiological, not criminal. Not as far as I can see.

Maybe, but I still wanna know why Anson Stokes doesn't wanna talk to the police.

Mulder...

That's a little... out of place, wouldn't you say?

A little bit.

Ah, dammit!

Leslie!

What? What is it?

IRS agents. Gotta be. Listen, get rid of 'em, all right?

Hi.

- We're looking for a Mr Anson Stokes. - He's not here.

Do you happen to know when he's coming back?

Well, we are Agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI.

Oh, the boat's not ours. The boat... I'm just...

We're holdin' it for someone, and, you know, they pay the taxes on it.

OK...

- Anson's not here. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- What's your name? - Leslie Stokes.

Oh, you're Anson's brother?

Hi, there.

We're not here about the boat. We wanna talk to your brother about his former employer.

Mr Gilmore.

And the unfortunate condition that he's found himself in.

- Would you know anything about that? - The mouth thing?

Well, yeah. You know, that's just, uh... that's, like... chemicals.

Chemicals?

Yeah, you know, people store weird chemicals.

My brother one time smelled this weird smell. It was just a guy with a meth lab.

In one of the storage units. That's probably something you should look into.

You know, I'm gonna get going. So I'm gonna go, OK?

OK.

Now I see what's going on here.

According to Gilmore, he was standing right where I am when it happened.

Well, I don't smell any weird chemical smells.

You still have both your lips.

Apparently, everything is left as it was.

Hey...

1978. It's been a long time since any of this stuff has seen the light of day.

It's too bad, Mulder. Underneath all this dust, this furniture is really wonderful.

You wanna hit some yard sales while we're out here?

Mulder, this furniture is expensive. Very expensive.

- What's your point? - My point is that, uh...

there's a lot of money sitting here and maybe something's missing.

- Like what? - I don't know. Jewellery?

Stokes opened up the storage unit, then disappeared.

Winds up with the Titanic in his driveway?

There's your crime - theft.

Still doesn't explain what happened to Gilmore.

Scully, check this out.

- (Scully) Ouch. - This woman look familiar to you?

- That's the woman from the trailer. - That's the young woman from the trailer.

How many centuries now has disco been dead?

Two down.

Two down, I got nothin' to show for it.

- You got the boat. - And what the hell good is that?

Huh?

That thing is like a big... you know, big...

- White elephant? - What? I'm sorry. What does that mean?

It's an expensive item that serves no purpose and is ultimately more trouble than it's worth.

- So what the hell did you give it to me for? - Because you asked for it.

Fine. I can appreciate that. That's...

But don't you think maybe you could've found some freakin' water to put it in?

- You didn't specify water. - I gotta specify that you put a boat in water?

That is a given!

Freakin' white elephant!

I can't even pay the taxes on it.

Why don't you just, uh, use your last wish to get rid of it?

You want me to put you in a home? Now?

Because I just told you, Leslie, that I wasted two wishes, OK?

And I am not... Are you listening? I am not gonna waste the third. All right? Come on.

God!

We gotta concentrate here. Now, let me figure this out.

Third wish. Final wish. I'm just spitballin' here.

If I say "I wish" by accident, that does not count, not until I am absolutely ready, OK?

- You could give that guy his mouth back. - All I said was I wish Jay would shut up.

If you feel bad about what you did to him, fix it on your own dime, OK?

- It doesn't work like that. - Whatever.

Leslie, would you help me out here?

Uh...

- Money. Wish for money. - Yeah. OK, that's not bad.

But shouldn't we think of something that generates money, instead of money itself?

Brains? Talent? Hard work?

Uh...

- A money machine. - OK. That's not...

But somethin' better. Somethin' better. OK, but... I just...

- An infinite number of wishes? - OK.

Just three, boys. Settle down.

Dammit, this is hard.

You know, I have a thought.

- Granted, it's pretty obvious. - What? What, what, what, what, what?

- What? - What?

Seriously. What?

Oh, forget it.

- I got it. - Yeah?

I got it. I got it, I got it, I got it. Are you ready? Because I am ready.

I am absolutely ready. OK, here goes.

I wish that I could turn invisible.

At Will.

- You're kidding. - No, no. This is perfect.

I can have an advantage that nobody else can have.

I can, um, you know, spy and learn secret information, pick up stock tips.

- Sneak into a women's locker room. - Not just that.

I'm talkin' about James Bond type stuff. You know?

Your wish is breathtaking in its unoriginality.

You don't have to like it, all right? You just have to do it. Right?

Done.

My clothes are gonna turn invisible, too, right?

- You didn't specify clothes. - I know, but...

Screw it.

Oh, God. Turn invisible, please.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yes!

Whoa, man, this is awesome! Hey, brother. Hey, Leslie? I'm over here.

I'm over here. Can you see me?

Whoo-hoo! (laughs)

Ow!

Dammit!

- Anson, are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.

I can't see my damn feet. (giggles)

Look out, world! Here I come! Whoo-hoo!

I'm invisible! Invisible, baby! Whoo!

- Whoo-oo! - Yes!

You can't see me, can you?!

- I... - (Anson laughs)

Hey, uh...

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

Hey, outta my way, birds. Yeah.

Well, hello, ladies. (laughs)

Yeah, here comes Anson. That's right.

Come on. Come on, come on, come on. Change, change. All right, here we go.

Need a little roadside assistance, do ya?

Well, not to worry.

Here comes Anson.

- Aargh! - (Splat)

Whoa!

Can we go now?

I think you missed a spot here.

I can see straight through to his ass.

This is Anson Stokes, huh?

It is. His dental records are a match. He was found about half a mile from his house.