A Real Pain

Hey, Benji. It's me. I'm just leaving my apartment.

Remember, we gotta be there, like, three hours early.

Yeah, just, um, ring me when you get this.

Hey, Benji. I hope you left already

'cause I'm stuck in a little traffic on the BQE.

Just in case you can avoid it.

Uh, anyway, just ring me when you get this.

Hey, Benji. Actually, traffic just cleared up.

So that's pretty good, if you were worried.

Maybe you weren't. Anyway, just ring me

when you get this, anyway.

Hey, Benji. I'm sorry I'm leaving so many messages.

Just... Sorry. You can disregard them 'cause I'm...

I'll be there soon, and I, uh...

Yeah. I can't wait to see you,

and I will not leave you another message. Okay. Bye.

Hey, Benji. Uh, I just got to the airport.

I really hope you left already or that you're, like,

I don't know, on your way.

Anyway, just, uh, ring me when you get this.

- - Whoa!

- Oh, God. You made it. - What's up, cuz?

Oh, man, come here. I called you so many times.

Step back, dude. Let me have a look at you.

It's so good to see... Yeah.

- Okay. - Turn around. I wanna see

- the whole fucking picture. - What? Really?

- Twirl. Twirly dervish. - Okay, okay.

- All right, all right. - Yeah, man, look at you.

Healthy, wealthy, and wise. You look good.

All right, listen, I think we should check you in.

- I did a thing online. I... - Oh, no, I did it.

- I checked in a while ago. - Did you?

- Yeah. - Sorry. When did you get here?

Few hours ago.

- Really? - Yeah.

I mean, the flight's not for another, like, two hours.

Yeah, but they open the airport super early.

You can just come here and hang out.

- Wow. Okay. - Mm-hmm.

You meet the craziest fucking people here, dude.

Oh. And did you eat anything?

- I did. Yeah. No, yeah. - Okay.

Just 'cause I'm gonna wanna get something

- before we take off. - Don't worry about it, man.

I got you a yogurt. It's a little warm.

- Warm? - It's been in my pocket.

Shit, I don't have a spoon. That's okay. You just sort of

squeeze it, slurp it.

Did you really get this for me?

Yeah, of course, dude.

- All right, you got your shit? - Okay. Yeah.

- You know what else? - What?

I also got some good shit for when we land.

Like, very, very good shit.

Wait. You're not, like, taking weed into Poland, are you?

- Oh, yeah. - Benji?

They don't give a shit about that stuff, man.

- I'm telling you... - Mm, I think they very much

do give a shit about that stuff.

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Really? - Yeah.

They're gonna arrest two Jews in Poland

for a little bit of weed?

That's a good look for the Polish people.

Okay. All right. Just try to keep it down, okay?

Okay, yeah. Don't say "marijuana."

- Arms out. - Wait, really?

Sorry. It doesn't normally... Thanks.

This one? This little one?

- It's a gift from my dad. - Oh.

- Dad? - Yeah.

Of course it was.

Do you have something like this?

- No way. - Yeah.

I don't... I was way off.

Okay, bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

Oh. There you go.

- She is so dope. - Okay. Arms out.

- Who? - The TSA agent.

Her dad does security for the Knicks.

Huh.

Did you want some?

- Mm. - Uh, Priya made it for me.

- Yeah, right. - Uh, no. I'm... Yeah, okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

What is that? A fucking Brazil nut?

Yo. So, like, how you been, man?

- Honestly, dude? - Yeah.

I've been...

great. Been, like, really fucking great.

Oh.

You wanna go over our tour itinerary or anything?

Okay.

Mm.

Can you hold that for me, actually?

- Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

- Have as much as you want. - Yeah?

Don't you think it'll be nice for us

to see where Grandma was from?

You know, where she lived?

Mm-hmm.

I can't even follow this.

- I'll just... - Sure.

...do whatever the group does.

Sure.

Hi.

What seat you got?

Uh, 24 A.

Mm. I'm B. I think we're middle and window.

- Oh, yeah. - Hey, man.

- You mind taking middle? - Um...

How you feeling in there, dude?

- Uh, it's a little tight. -

- You still looking for a job? - Nah.

Hmm.

So, you have to, like, work the whole trip?

No. No, no. I was able to take the week

like, completely free.

- I wanna be here. - Great.

I wanna be like... You know, I wanna be present.

- Good, man. Excellent. - Yeah.

You still, like,

- sellin' shit online? -

I mean, I don't, like, sell used jerseys on eBay.

I do, like, digital ad sales.

- Yeah. - Okay.

So, you know, when you see, like, an ad banner online?

Oh, yeah. God, I hate that shit.

Hey, come on.

No, no. No, I just mean, like, everybody hates that shit,

- you know. Mm, yeah. - Do they?

That's what I do. That's my job.

- It's cool, man. - I sell those.

- It's cool. It's cool, dude. - Okay.

You're making the world go around. It's fine.

- Yeah. - That's not your fault.

You're just, like, part of a fucked-up system.

I mean, without online ads, actually a lot of the websites

that you visit for free wouldn't be able to exist.

It's kind of like the lifeblood of the Internet.

- Hey, dude, dude. - Yeah.

I think they want us to pay attention.

Yeah, no, I just wanted to, like, finish the story.

Yeah, yeah. No. It's just... It's just kind of rude, man.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

- Just trying to do their jobs. - To fasten your seat belt,

insert the metal end into the...

This is a security announcement.

Please maintain control of your personal belongings

a tall time.

Hey, are you okay?

Uh, yeah. I don't know.

Oh. There's our guy. Yo. Dude.

- What's up? That's us. - Hey.

Kaplans.

What you looking at?

I don't know. It's stupid. I don't...

I think I'm already homesick.

I don't know. It's just, uh, Abe.

He's, like, obsessed with buildings now.

He wants to know the height of every skyscraper.

It's kind of, like, all-encompassing.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Let me see it?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

That's right.

And how many floors is the Empire State Building?

103.

Okay. How many floors is 30 Hudson Yards?

112. But the balcony is on the 100.

- Yes! -

How many floors is the Empire State Building?

- 103. -

Okay. How many floors is 30 Hudson Yards?

112.

- You packed pajamas? - Yeah, of course I did.

- Two pairs. - Really? But really?

- You mean, like, the whole... - You wanna borrow some?

...like, what, Victorian nightgown

with the slippers and the cap?

No, man. I don't think I even own that.

Hi. Dzien Dobry. Welcome to the Warsaw Central Hotel.

Thank you so much. Yeah, we're checking in.

We're with the, uh, Heritage Tour.

Kaplan, Benjamin and David. I have our passports here.

- Yes, of course. Welcome. - Thank you.

You're the final ones to arrive.

And I think I have a package for you.

It's been sitting here for many days.

That's for me, actually.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- There you go. - Thanks.

You're on the fifth floor,

and there's a group meeting in 30 minutes.

- Thank you so much. - Great. Thank you.

Fifth floor? Thanks.

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's the weed. I told you. It's, like, really good stuff.

I got it from Todd. This fucking barber in Ithaca.