South Park

Shut up, you guys. Shut up, you guys.

Hello, Chitty Wok.

Take order, please.

Hello, is this City Wok?

Yes, this Chitty Wok.

Yes, we'd like one order of the city beef.

Chitty beef.

And I'll have the city chicken.

Chitty chicken.

Oh, dude, look.

It's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds

eating at Subway sandwiches.

Hey, fellas.

Hey, Kenny.

Now, gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny.

Kenny's dead,

and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with that.

Okay, not-Kenny.

Hey, South Park!

You can meet Jared in person, March 6th,

at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square.

Oh, boy! Jared's coming to town!

Dude, that's today!

We got to get down there. Come on, not-Kenny.

Now, gosh darn it, my name's not not-Kenny.

Okay. Come on, not not-Kenny.

Oh, I-I'm getting steamed now!

Hello?! Chitty Wok!

Chitty Wok! Take order, please!

Excuse me. Can we get through here?

Hell, no! I've been saving this spot for six hours.

Here he comes!

Thank you all so much.

You know, after a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches,

I've proven weight loss is easy!

And I promise you I will always be your faithful leader

in easy weight loss.

All right! - Yeah!

That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight.

He is so cool.

Mr. Fogle?

Some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich.

Sure. Let them in.

Hi, kids.

Wow! It's Jared.

Dude, did you really lose all that weight

eating nothing but sub sandwiches?

I sure did.

And... W-Well, I-I also had a little help on the side.

What kind of help?

Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it.

But the way that I lost so much weight

was that I got aides.

A-AIDS? - That's right.

I got aides about two years ago,

and I've been losing weight ever since.

It's amazing how slim you can get with aides.

I'll bet you can. - Would you like to meet them?

Them? - My aides.

Scott! Tyler!

Scott is my personal trainer, and Tyler is my dietitian.

Hello!

Oh! A-I-D-E-S aides.

Yeah. Hooray for aides!

That's not really what you say in the commercial.

I know. You kind of have to read the fine print at the bottom.

It says I only ate a half-size lean turkey sandwich

with no mustard or mayo or anything like that

and then had proper diet and exercise aides.

But you're lying to people.

If they knew you didn't just eat all the sandwiches you want,

you might not be so popular.

Y-You think so? Well, why should it matter?

It matters, dude.

Hmm.

That penis butt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches.

He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised.

It's only in America somebody can become famous

because they go from being a big fat ass

to not being a big fat ass.

Oh, my God, you guys.

I think I'm having a genius moment.

Yes. Yes!

It's coming to me now.

That... That's diarrhea.

No. Don't you see what this all means?

Anybody could do what he did.

What's to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok,

and cutting a deal with them...

say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food,

but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise?

Then City Wok could say their food makes you lose weight.

That's right, Stan. It's a cash cow, I tell you.

That's a great idea!

Lose weight and make money.

I tell you, this is gonna be the greatest thing

that Butters has ever done.

Me?!

Who do you think I'm talking about, Butters... Joyce Dewitt?

Oh, no. I thought you meant you. Y-You're the fat one.

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat.

I'm big-boned.

You can't slim down bones, stupid.

But Butters isn't fat.

That's my whole point.

First we fatten him up.

Then we make the deal with City Wok.

Then take the weight back off. - He's right.

If Butters is naturally skinny,

he'll be able to take the weight off faster.

But, fellas, if I get fat, my parents will ground me.

Oh, come on! Just think about how famous you'll be.

You mean like Jared?

Yeah, dude! You'll be just like Jared!

Well, the heck with that! You said Jared was a "penis butt".

You wouldn't be a penis butt. You'd be famous.

Just think about all those people following you around,

singing songs to you just 'cause you lost some weight.

Wow.

Christine, you know I love you very much,

and I-I can't wait for the wedding.

I love you, too, Jared. You changed my whole life.

I-I know, I know.

But, uh, some young boys were talking to me earlier,

and they made me think

that people might not be so proud of my weight loss

if they knew something.

Jared, what's this all about?

Christine, this probably isn't gonna matter to you at all,

but... I have aides.

What?!

Yeah, I have aides.

I've had aides since before we were together.

What... What are you thinking? Are you bummed?

Am I bummed?!

You've had AIDS all this time, and you knew it?

Well, of course I knew it.

Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?

I didn't think it was that big of a deal.

Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you!

Aren't you overreacting a little bit?

But Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married!

We can still get married, Christine.

Sure, they're my aides now,

but after we get married, they'll be our aides.

You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will.

And when we have children, they'll have aides.

It'll make things so simple.

Christine!

Geez. Those boys were right. People really don't like aides.

I'd better tell everyone the truth.

Hello, there, children.

Chef, we need Butters to gain about 50 pounds, fast.

Fifty pounds? Why?

Uh, school project.

Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible,

one of you will have to marry him.

Marry him?

It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.

Oh, no, no, no! I ain't getting married.

My parents will ground me.

Yeah. None of us want to marry Butters.

Well, how come? What's wrong with me?

I guess we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way.

Come on back, children.

I can't eat no more.

You have to. Here. Have some more mayonnaise.

Chef, we need more food.

I'm running out, children.

Damn it, Butters, keep eating,

or else I'll kick your ass till you're deader than Kenny!

Dude, that isn't cool.

You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead.

Enough time hasn't passed.

So how long until we can joke about it?

22.3 years.

That's how long it takes for something tragic

to become funny.

That's a long time to wait.