Peep Show

'lf I get promoted to loan supervisor, that's an extra 160 a month.

'Four months, weekend in Zurich.

'Lf I get it. I should've ironed my... Why didn't I iron my fucking tie? '

- Mark, I thought you'd be out by now. - Nope, not out yet.

Haven't been in yet.

- 'Lovely soft face.' - It's just Barbara and Lucy. Relax.

You're right. Totally right. I'll laugh. Have a nice laugh.

Will Jeff's charity squash stuff count for much?

Mark, it'll be fine. I'm sure you'll get it.

'Ohh... '

Sophie, have you ever been to Zurich?

- What? - 'Too much. Too much! '

Very clean, apparently. Ruthlessly clean.

Talking of which, badminton. Still on for Wednesday?

- Yep. - I was thinking, afterwards...

Hi, Sophie. Hey, fuckface, you're on.

'Forget it, mate, you're dead in the water. I'm gonna be relaxing all over you.'

Welcome to my world.

Man, I am so glad you got me in here.

Nice.

Wicked. So let's go down to the studio and start riffing on some shit.

Totally, yeah. Although obviously one of us must be on reception at any one time.

- That's important. - OK, I get it. The code, right?

We bide our time and pick our moment to really shake shit up and get noticed.

Yeah. Although the best way to get noticed

is to pick up a four-pinter on the way in, ask Ron if he wants a latte...

Jesus, what happened? You've got a Blair Witch ear!

Oh. Yeah, that's Toni's. You know, next-door Toni?

Oh, the one you wrote, er - - Toni's Theme for?

She's like some kind of drug.

Kind of like ketamine but... with nicer hair.

So, you're all set, ain't you? You are a music studio reception runner now.

- Gets the women hot. - Yeah?

Oh, yeah. It's a savage garden, my friend. A savage garden.

'Shall I ask what he means? '

'The interview went really well.

'Glad I didn't mention the phones. Keep the big idea on ice for now.

'Maybe should've mentioned the blind kids.

'AIthough it could've sounded like I just did it for my CV.'

- Mark? - Hey, Sophie.

Barbara said to tell you there's news.

- What... They didn't give it to Jeff? - No, they didn't.

Yes!

No. Mark, let me... Sit down.

Erm, they didn't give it to Jeff but they didn't give it to you either.

Is this...? Is this a funny joke?

No. Mark, listen, this is weird, really weird.

But Barbara asked me to temporarily take over the supervisor role.

Well, good. That's good. Great.

- Well, I'll get on with these. - Oh, let me...

It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter.

So what - congratulations - what happened?

Barbara thought no one came up to the required standard

- and decided as an interim... - Sure, sure, but what's the real deal?

- Does there need to be a...? - No! I mean, you know how...

how I think of you, but you've got to say I'm the better loan manager, right?

- Well... - You've got to say that.

You're very good at your job, Mark.

- Thanks, boss. - That's all right.

- Can you finish the Hertfordshire file? - Yeah.

- By tonight? - You're serious?

- It's not a big... - No, totally, that's fine, fine.

Yeah, I'll do that. Fine.

'Just dance a death clog dance over my hopes and dreams

'and leave a girl turd in my happy place.

'Shit, I should have milked those blindies dry! '

Yeah, so this is really very similar to a much larger version

of the old graphics equaliser that you have on your hi-fi

in that it takes the graphics, which is another word for music

and equalises them...

'I've lost her. She's gone. I'm actually quite boring when I put my mind to it.'

- And the Chemical Brothers are in? - Yeah, yeah. They're great.

Really great group. Lovely guys.

'Come on, this is it.'

So, just sitting here you can almost feel your mojo expanding.

- Have you seen my book? - No, I...

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Is that Burroughs And The Drug Culture? I love that book.

Me too. I've been reading it for a year.

I'm on the bit where Kerouac finishes his Benzedrine high

looks at his novel and realises he wasn't holding a pen.

Course, Ginsberg's in the corner, ain't he, laughing.

- But crying at the same time. - Yeah.

'Oh, great, they've clicked. Brilliant, I hear clicking.'

...it shits on Birdsong. - So, Jez,

could you have a look at that thing for me on reception?

The thing? Oh, that. I fixed that.

Did you? Well, it's, er, gone again.

No, I fixed it. Twice.

I was just down there. It's definitely not working.

'Fuck off.'

- What isn't? - The thing you fixed.

I'm just showing Toni around...

Jeremy, I'm fine. Your thing sounds... important.

- Maybe... - Hans.

Super Hans.

Super Hans could show me the other equipment?

'It's cool, there's a bond of trust.

'He won't break the bond of trust.'

- Ow! - Sorry.

'Yeah, sorry. You'll be sorry, bitch!

'What a horrible... I couldn't hate her.

'Why didn't I tell them the phones thing? The phones thing rocks!

'Sophie, climbing over my dead body to...

'It's not her fault. She doesn't even realise, she's just a stooge.

'A beautiful, stupid, ugly, shitting, filthy, grasping stooge! '

- Whoops! - Ha.

'Come on, Mark, don't let this ruin things.

'Besides, once you're going steady

'you can put her handbag in the fridge and tell her she's going mad.'

- (Cackles) - What's funny?

Nothing, sorry. Good shot.

'It's just a game. A grown-up game. Mousetrap. Downfall.

'Hunt The Yorkshire Ripper. It's not her fault. Didn't mention the phones! '

Phew! 15-9. Well played. Shall we call it a day?

- What? - Sorry, I've been invited to dinner.

- Aren't we going for dinner? - You never said.

- I thought we said. - I don't think we said.

- The whole team's going and... - The whole team. The team.

- Sorry, it's really rude, but I thought... - Fine.

'It's all fine. Everything is clear.

'I love her. She is going to kill me.'

It's all totally fine.

'She's my guest, I invited her. Why am I making Ron lattes all day? '

Jez! Just, er, showing Toni the drum loop from Bomb Dog.

'She'll get bored of him, just like she got bored of me.'

OK, see you. You sure you can get home from here?

Uh-huh.

'You can never go home again. Winter's coming.

'Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?

'Or is this... where it all starts?!

'This is a good idea. This is a great idea!

'It's exactly what they're looking for and not expecting! Just do it! '

- Alan, Mike, Barbara, mind if I butt in? - Mark.

I'm not going to tuck in, courtesy of the expense account,

I just wanted to share with you my vision...

- Mark! - Can this wait?

Can JLB's future wait till tomorrow? I don't think so.

And you'll agree when you hear the idea

I was just too darn scared to spill at interview.

- I know you wanted... - Reroute the phones.

'This was definitely a good idea.'

Simple as that, reroute the phones to everyone's mobiles.

24-hour, face-to-face, round-the-clock customer-freaking-service.

It's like, hey, I'm clocking off, finger to the customer! Not any more!

Probably best if you go home now, old son.

I've worked with blind kids! I'm the full package!

I'll have my action plan on your desk first thing in the morning.

'This was definitely a good idea.

'There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.'

Call yourself a mate, mate?

- What? - Oh, yeah, right, "What?"

I saw you leave her flat today.

She wanted bongo lessons, she has a passion for percussion.

She hasn't got a bongo. You weren't carrying a... There was no bongo.

- You don't need a drum to... - Look, I'm next door,

I heard your... noise, last night.

Oh, that. That was press-ups.

Well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few a lot.

Mate, sometimes you've got to push for the burn.

'Uh-oh, it's the human time bomb.'

- Hey, Jeremy. - Hey, man. Good to see you.

We're just hangin' out with the band. Long day at the studio.

So, how are you doing?

- Good. I'm feeling pretty good. - Great.

The way I see it now, if Barbara thinks Sophie's right for the job

then Sophie's right for the job.

'Barbara, thought we should follow-up re: The phones thing.

'Oh, you're not here. Well, I'll leave my idea in your desk,

'give you time to think about it. My new idea is urine. Loads of urine.

'What do you think about that? Don't you think that will be just the ticket?

- 'You're getting some too.' - (Phone)

JLB Credit, fuck off, please.

'What? From Sophie?

'Application letter to...? She did it. She stiffed me.

'Well, Sophie's drawer's getting a dousing too.

'Or I could park a turd on her desk.

'Bit freaky. Pissing's OK. Pissing's just horseplay.

'Oh, my God! Oh, no! I didn't do it! It was a joke - she did it to me last week.

'Shit! '

- Mark? - Sophie, I didn't realise you were here.

Yeah, working late. What are you doing?

Oh, just likewise. Er, working late.

- Left a file here somewhere. - Right.

Mark, I'm glad I bumped into you actually.

About the other night at the restaurant, I just wanted you to know...

- 'Don't notice the piss.' - Yeah, Mark?

Yeah, totally.

Oh, I knew she had these somewhere.

- Let me get those for you. - Oh. Thanks, Mark.

Erm, listen, do you want to...?

Better not, thanks. Got a lot to do. Thanks.

'Yeah, I've got to take the letter-shaped knife out of my back. Judas!

'OK, they're a bit crinkled. So what?

"'Hello, police, someone broke into my office

"'and crinkled my papers." I think not.'

- Hello, Mark? - Sophie?

I'm coming in if you're decent. I'm going for a coffee.

- What happened? - It's not piss.