Seinfeld

Loyalty to one sports team is pretty hard to justify...

...because the players are always changing. The team can move.

You're actually rooting for the clothes when you get right down to it.

I mean, you are standing and cheering and yelling...

...for your clothes to beat the clothes from another city.

Fans will be so in love with a player...

...but if he goes to another team, they boo him.

This is the same human being in a different shirt.

They hate him now.

Boo.

Different shirt.

Boo.

Sure you don't want the tickets?

- No. - I can't believe I'm having trouble...

- ... getting rid of Super Bowl tickets. - I'm telling you, skip the wedding.

- Go to the game. - I can't.

The Drake put me in the wedding party.

Well, who schedules his wedding on Super Bowl Sunday?

- Maybe he didn't know. - Let me see.

I can't believe you got these for free. What? Row F?

Row F.

In front of the G's. Hobnobbing with the D's and E's.

How about Kramer or Elaine?

Elaine laughed at me. Kramer's interested in Canadian football.

Well, wish I could help you.

Come on, take them. You could take Bonnie.

You paying my hotel and airfare to Miami?

- What do you think? - In order to use these...

...I gotta spend, like, 1500 bucks.

This is a bill for $1500.

Plus, she'd ask about the sleeping arrangements.

I find sleeping-arrangement conversations depressing.

Yeah. Sleeping arrangements.

- So you haven't-? - Oh, no, no, no.

I haven't even seen her apartment yet. Tomorrow night's the first night.

Hey, hey. Is that Tim Whatley?

- The dentist? - Is he mad at you for crashing...

- ... his Thanksgiving party? - No. I explained it to him.

- He was fine with it. - Oh, good.

Yeah. I blamed it on you.

- Hi, Tim. - Hey, Jerry.

George. What are you up to?

Oh, just a couple gals out on the town, shopping and gabbing.

I'm getting a makeover.

Hey, how'd you like to go to the Super Bowl?

- What, are you kidding? - Here. Two tickets. Have a good time.

How can I thank you? I'll take you to dinner sometime.

- You ever been to Mendy's? - No. No, no. No dinner.

Tim, you didn't have to get me a thank-you gift.

I know. It's a label maker.

The Label Baby Junior.

Yeah, I hear they're good.

Well, label me thankful.

Okay. Well, you enjoy those tickets.

Bye-bye.

Yeah?

Come in.

Hey, where can I put this?

- What is it? - It's Risk, Jerry.

The game of world conquest.

- All right, that's perfect. - Kramer, why do you have to-?

Hello, Newman.

Hello, Jerry. Will he take it? I gotta go to work.

- Take what? - The board, Jerry.

We've been playing at Newman's for six hours, but he's gotta go.

- Why not leave it at Newman's? - I wanted to. He won't let me.

We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.

- So that's here? - Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.

I don't wanna be Switzerland.

Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination.

It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.

- Don't look at me. - I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

- All right, soldier boys. Let's fall out. - Yeah.

- All right, you're gonna look after it? - Yeah, yeah.

- Stay strong. Watch it good. - Yeah. Okay.

- Hey, hey. - Hey. Hey.

Hey.

- Oh, is that a label maker? - Yes, it is. I got it as a gift.

It's a Label Baby Junior.

Love the Label Baby, baby.

You know, those things make great gifts.

I just got one for Tim Whatley for Christmas.

- Tim Whatley? - Yeah. Who sent you that one?

One Tim Whatley.

No. My Tim Whatley?

The same. He sent it as a thank-you for my Super Bowl tickets.

I think this is the same one I gave him.

He recycled this gift.

He's a re-gifter.

Or maybe he liked your gift so much, he decided to get me the same thing.

Perhaps it's an homage.

Yeah, perhaps.

Well, how did he react when you gave it to him?

He said, "Oh, a label maker. How about that."

- He repeated the name of the gift? - Yeah. So?

Well, if you repeat the name of the gift, you can't possibly like it.

What do you mean?

Like when someone opens something and goes:

"Oh, tube socks."

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment...

- ... and see if he's got a label maker. - Why did you get him a gift?

He did some dental work for me and didn't charge.

So I got him a Christmas present.

Yeah, well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large.

Well, here we are. This is the place.

You like it?

I love it. This is fantastic.

Look at this couch. Is this velvet?

Are you a velvet fan?

A fan?

I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.

Look at this. Hardwood floors.

Aren't they great? Oh, Scott, hi.

This is George.

- Nice to meet you. - This is Scott, my roommate.

- Hey. - Here. Check out this view.

If you lean out this window, you can see the river.

So Scott's your roommate, huh?

Yes. I'm sure I've mentioned him.

No, I don't think you mentioned him, no.

He's a great guy. You'll really like him.

I'm sure I will.

- Male roommate. - Yes, a male roommate.

- And this is a problem? - It's a huge problem, Jerry.

The hardest part about having sex with a woman...

...is getting her to come back to your place. He's already got that.

- Well, maybe he's- - No, believe me, he's not.

- So he's an eligible receiver. - Right.

She's confiding in him about our dates.

You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date.

It's just a matter of time until they realise, "Hey, we could have sex."

- What's stopping them? - Exactly.

You know how they get animals to reproduce?

They just put them in the same cage.

- What does he look like? - That's the worst part.

He looks just like me.

He looks like you, and he's working from the inside?

I look like me, and I'm working from the outside.

- Who is in the better position? - Not you.

This bizarre Harrad Experiment must end.

We'll take our check, please.

I gotta find a way to work this out. I love that apartment.

It's so cosy. I'm ensconced in velvet.

- If it was socially acceptable- - I know.

You would drape yourself in velvet.

- I've said that before? - Many times.

You love velvet. You wanna live in velvet.

Everything with the velvet.

- Hey. - Hey.

Guess what.

- I saw Newman talking to the super. - So what?

The super has keys to your apartment.

Don't you see what's going on?

Newman is planning a sneak attack.

Oh, maybe he's got no hot water.

Yeah. All right, fine. You sit there and you watch...

...while Newman takes over the world, but he'd be a horrible leader.

And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people.

You and George.

- Are you through? - All right. Fine.

I talked to Arthur Jobania.

- The Drake's wedding. That's off. - The wedding is off?

- What happened? - The Drake...

...he found out that the wedding is on the same day as the Super Bowl.

So he wanted to postpone it.

They got in a big argument and... it's over.

The wedding is off. You can go to the Super Bowl.

I can't call Tim and ask for the tickets back.

You just gave them to him two days ago.

He's gotta give you a grace period.

Are you even vaguely familiar with the concept of giving?

There's no grace period.

Well, didn't he re-gift the label maker?

- Possibly. - Well, if he can re-gift...

...why can't you de-gift?

- You may have a point. - I have a point. I have a point.

- All right, I'll call him. - Yeah.

- What's that? - Oh, it's Risk.

It's a game of world domination...

...being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

Hello, Tim? Yeah, hi, it's Jerry Seinfeld.

Hey, remember those tickets I gave you?

Well, it turns out I can use them.

Oh, you do? I understand.

Okay. Bye.

He already made plans. He can't change them.

Well, they're his tickets.

- He can do what he wants with them. - Thanks.

- I'm heading over to Bonnie's. - What about the roommate?

I gotta try and figure out a way to switch places with him.

It's like a Siegfried & Roy trick.

The pickle breath is a good start.

Hello, Jerry. May I come in?

What do you want?

Nothing.

Just being neighbourly.

You wanna hang out? Shoot the breeze?

I won't let you cheat. You're not getting near that board.

Jerry, I'm a little insulted.