Hit by Lightning

All my life, I had been looking for my prince.

You know, someone deep, someone sweet,

who could make me laugh...

Ashley and me talked on the phone all night and

I totally cracked her up with my witty jokes and funny noises,

And right from the very first second our chemistry was like...

hel-lo!

And we're both really sensitive.

We have this kind of artsy-fartsy going, so one day,

we made a painting...

Everything we do together is fun.

Fuck you, Dylan and Ashlee.

Jorge, Jorge... we've been over this before.

You can't smoke in Debby's.

No, man, I think you can.

I'm, I'm the manager here,

I'm fairly well versed in the rules, c'mon buddy put it out.

Don't you ever bend the rules?

No...

Corporate puppet.

How's your... food?

It's Saturday night, we're gonna do it.

We are gonna doooooo it!

Getting paid and laid tonight, bebe.

Paid and laid.

I, I don't even know what that means?

It means what we want it to mean, okay?

It means what we want it to mean. You dig?

Um, no, I don't...dig.

Ricky what is with you?

Come on, stop being such a buzzkill.

Now grab your cock and put on some socks,

cause we are gonna do this town up and do it right, senorrrita!

Paid and laid. We're doing it!

How exactly are we "doing it?"

Uh, well I don't know? Numero uno, hog, got you out of the house so there's that.

W is a W

I'm back where I work! It's a lateral move at best.

Alright well look... that's just round one of the festivities.

You're NOT going to believe round two.

Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, you're not going to believe round two.

Please stop repeating things please.

Soooo... when do you go into production?

Really, really not in the mood, nope.

When do you go into production?

Next month.

Great. So you go into production on your motion picture next month?

Is it fully cast yet?

No, no, it is, it is, not fully cast yet.

We're still uh, we're still looking for our, our last two actresses.

Wow, well just fantastic, that's just, that's just super.

That's just deluxe.

Now do they have to be well known or...?

Do they have to be... Ricky, Ricky, Ricky?

They have to be well known these actresses?

No, no, we're actually looking for two total newcomers.

This makes me happy as the film's director, because I like to work with fresh faces, so --

Uh... me too uh, as the movie's... executive producer...

Hey, man. Ahh, I can't work Saturday. Can I get a 'double' next week?

Oh sure, no problem.

Ah you know what,

these broken down fillies are just gonna get in the way of round two anyhow.

Round two, baby. Round two.

Yum, Yum.

Doing it long and doing it strong!

Maybe we should just shoot each other.

Hey, you seem a bit down man. What up, hog?

It's Saturday night and I'm with you.

Not for long, bebe. Not for long.

So when do you go into production--

Gary Kless is getting married.

Yeah, me too. Who cares?

Oh what's that, the actresses don't need to be fresh faces...?

That leaves just you and me. Just you and me.

We are the only two freaks from high school to NEVER be married.

Can I asked you a question? How the hell do you even know that?

I keep track on Facebook and Twitter.

God, Gary is so lucky, man.

Oh that's weird, I thought you get your period at the end of the month.

MEN don't get jealous of other MEN getting married!

Men should be jealous of us.

Oh, I strongly disagree.

Jesus, is why you've been Captain Negativo all night?

Cause that fat bastard Gary Kless is getting married?

There was this guy on Dr. Phil who said that it's as likely for a woman over forty

to get hit by lightning or,

or killed by a terrorist than meet a husband.

What if the same thing goes for men?

What if Gary just got lucky and he made a pact with God and/or Satan?

I can't go to another of these weddings alone.

It's just too depressing.

You're not going to be going alone okay man?

You're going to be going be with me.

That's...not comforting.

What is wrong with you? Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers?"

Common, all those losers in our class are married off,

we're going to cleaning up bigger than Owen Wilson and Vinny Vaughn!

Hot filly. Three o'clock.

I forgot my compass.

She's right over there, look at her, look at her.

That girl is seventeen, tops.

So what? Means she's single.

You'd have sex with an underage girl?

I'm not a monster, no!

I'd take her out for cookies and milk shakes until the day she turned eighteen

and then plow her.

Sorry I misjudged you.

Should've proposed to Roz when we were together.

You dated her in high school.

I had no idea there would be so few good ones after that.

It's like, it's like in hockey, you know,

a team goes to the finals and loses, everybody says

"Hey you know don't worry, we'll get 'em next year"

what if there is no next year.

What if there is no other Roz and

I never go to the Stanley Cup finals of love ever again?

K, K if you hadn't mentioned hockey there,

that might have been the gayest thing I've ever heard.

Come on man! Get your game face on, d-o-g.

We have a wedding to crash!

First of all, we were invited...

second of all, all our friends are married.

There ARE NO single women!

What about the--

She's seventeen!

We don't know that for a fact! Jeez... would ya... okay you what...

I'm going in, okay...? I'm going in.

Please, God,

help me find my soulmate before I'm hit by lightning or

killed by a terrorist.

Oh, hey, Kings won.

Three goals and two assists, you're on fire.

What the hell. They NEVER have before...

You have no responses.

Yeah..

Hey, man.

Hey, Jorge. I was just checking the...the hockey scores, what's up?

Ahh, I'm gonna need next Saturday off too. I'm getting married.

What?

Yeah, I know, my mother's been on my case.

You're twenty-seven, you bum, what are you waiting for?

Twenty-seven really isn't that old.

So can I have Saturday off or what?

No.

What?

Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I, I meant "yes." Of course... of course...

Jorge...

Where, where did you meet her?

Who?

E-Happily, man. It's surprisingly effective.

You have one response.

You found your wife?

Yep. Last night.

You went cruising without me?

Uhm we've never cruised and I didn't have to go anywhere.

Found her on my computer.

Oh... what porn site?

Wasn't a porn sit..."E-Happily!"

I...joined it last week.

What do you mean, you joined it?

Ah, I don't think I was being cryptic.

I joined E-Happily last week. To meet my soulmate.

And it worked.

Poor, sweet, crazy bastard you.

I've never been more sane.

This woman's perfect for me. Perfect!

Oh, she loves all the same things I do,

hockey, cats, Albert Brooks movies,

spooning after sex--

Alright whatever, what does she look like?

I don't know... and you should see the e-mails she wrote to me.

Funny, smart, sweet--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, just back up, hold the phone.

What do you mean, you don't know what she looks like?

She didn't post a picture for some reason.

Oh, that's a real puzzler.

It's 'cause she's a dude, she's a dude Ricky or looks like a dude.

No...

Listen hoggy dog. There's only that woman wouldn't post a picture?

'Cause, god bless her, she's obviously hideous.

Look, there's a million reasons she wouldn't put up a picture.

No, no... there's one, one... she looks like "Shrek."

What if she does? Did you learn anything from that movie?

It's what's inside that counts.

Yeah in fairy tales, you idiot, not real life!

Her name is Danita. What a beautiful name.

I've never heard that name before.

"Danita..."

You sure it isn't Dan

Ita? Like that's her last Ita, like Dan Ita

Can't you be happy for me?

Alright common You haven't even met this person!

I am, tomorrow. I'm meeting her at the Black Cat for drinks.

Look don't do this okay please Ricky, don't do this.

I have to, Seth.

Danita is my destiny.

Okay...

might want to bring a condom for Dan just in case.

Shut up.

What the hell is that in your head?