Porky's

Good morning, Angel Beach. It's April 12.

This is Gene Morrison coming to you from W.A.C.N. Angel Beach...

nestled by the shore in fabulous south Florida.

It's a bright, beautiful spring day.

- President Eisenhower's running a tight ship of state. - Get it at Porky's.

- The stars are secure and the rent's paid for the month. - Get it at Porky's.

So all's right with the world, so--

Let's get out there and get America moving forward.

It's 64 degrees, expecting to reach a high of 76. Not a drop of rain in sight.

Good news for the beach bunnies but bad news for the farm boys.

Now to help you start the day...

- - Edward, you'll be late to school.

- Edward. Up. Right now. -

I've got things to do, you hear?

- - Hit the floor. Right now.

Edward Morris.

You be at the breakfast table in five minutes or you don't play ball this week.

- - Pee Wee, what's wrong?

- Oh, nothing. I just pulled a little muscle in my groin. - Oh, be careful.

Your father wants you to drop him off at the office. The car won't start.

And be sure you pick up those clothes at the tailor's.

Instant eunuch.

Shit.

Oh, it is. It's gettin' shorter.

Shit.

Hey, did you get the colored guy?

- Does a fat dog fart? - Well, what's he look like?

- Like an African Zulu man. 6'4", two huge gold teeth. - Great.

- Where did you find him? - He works for my old man's construction company.

Doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, but he's... willing...

and he'll do it for 10 bucks.

- 10 bucks, not bad. - Yeah. You sure the broad's all set?

- Oh, there's no problem there. She's-- -

Jarvis, you stupid redneck.

Whoo. You better duck, you suckers, when Jarvis is at the wheel.

Billy boy, y'all get the nigger?

Come on,Jarvis. You mean the colored guy. The Negro.

- Poor white trash. - Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

"Fuck you and the horse you rode in on." That's colorful redneck humor.

- Right. Kiss my rebel ass. - And that's another one.

- Yeah, you should be writing these down. - Immigrants.

Y'all go on back to Oklahoma and Michigan and kiss ass with all the Negroes you want.

This is Dixie, baby, where we do things right.

Hey,Jarvis. How come you don't have four first names like most hillbillies?

You know, like, uh, Billy Joe Jim Bob or Flora May Sally Sue.

I had a cousin named Billy Joe Jim Bob and he was killed in the war...

so just watch what you're saying.

Aw, gee, I didn't know, Mickey. I'm sorry.

- Anyway, did you get the Negro? - Yeah, we got one.

The guy's 6'4", has gold teeth. He's the meanest-lookin' mother you ever saw.

Hot damn! They're gonna croak when this guy jumps out! Who's goin'?

Hey, Tommy. Wait a minute.

- Did you get it? - I found a place that's got one. I'll go tomorrow.

- Don't let me down. I'm gonna get that little creep. -

- Who's she gonna get? - Pee Wee.

- Didn't you hear about the other night? - No.

- You didn't hear about that? - You sure you didn't hear about the other night?

- Well, we figure we gotta get Pee Wee laid, right? - Right.

- So I fix him up with Wendy. - Pee Wee and Wendy?

- Shh. - Damn, I thought she had better taste than that.

All he had to do was knock it off.

You know, they're makin' out. And you know Wendy.

She reaches down, she unzips his fly and she grabs his cock.

- Guess what. - What?

- The little bastard already had a rubber on. - Oh, bullshit.

I swear. Wendy told me. Why would she lie?

Horny little mother wore a rubber to his date.

She got so pissed off, she wouldn't even let him touch her.

- Hi. My name is Mindy. Can I ask you something? - Yeah, sure.

- Why do they call you Meat? - Uh, I don't know.

- Wendy Williams told me I should ask you. -

- Wendy Williams told me I should ask you. -

- She did, huh? - Uh-huh.

Why do they call you Meat? 'Cause you're so big?

- - Uh, yeah, sort of.

Not sort of. Why?

- You really wanna know? - Yes.

- Okay. Come on, I'll show you. - Meat, Meat, Meat. Wait, wait, wait. She's only a freshman.

Yeah. But after this, she'll be an instant senior.

But-- But Meat, listen. If you get suspended again...

you'll never get that scholarship to Princeton.

Now think about that.

- Uh, I'm sorry, babe. No cigar. Can't do it. - He won't tell me.

- Come on. Come on. - Aw, shoot.

Hey, you guys. Wait up.

- Speakin' of horny mothers, it's ready Eddie. - Yeah.

Come on, be serious, now. I'm goin' tonight, right?

I don't know, Pee Wee. Even a nymphomaniac has standards.

She lives with a big black stud. He catches you, he's gonna cut your pecker off.

- He's bringin' tweezers. - I don't care if she lives with a blue-assed baboon.

- She likes to screw, right? - Oh, she loves it.

Especially young guys. The more, the merrier.

- What's she look like? She good-looking? - Well, she's not bad.

She's got a great body, moves like an eagle.

- That's the way I like 'em. - You like 'em any way, as long as they're not dead.

- I don't care if they're dead, as long as they're not too cold. - Aw, man--

Come here, man. Shh. Let's not invite too many guys. That way we all get her twice.

Listen to this midget. He's not even invited and he's making up the guest list.

I'm going tonight! You're not cuttin' me out of any free nooky!

- All right, you're going. - Shut up, geez.

- I'm going. 8:00, right? - Right.

Wear your rubber.

That lying bitch.

- Wait, I forgot. Which one is-- - Timmy, this is the raw one. That's the hard-boiled one.

- This is the hard-boiled one. - We're gonna get some action tonight.

- What are you talking about? - I'm going tonight.

- Goin' where? - I'm goin'. Ask 'em. They said I could go.

He'll be the comedy relief.

- Yeah, I guess she could use you for a little recess period. - Oh, real funny.

- What are you doing with those eggs? - What eggs?

- "What eggs?" Those eggs. - Oh, these eggs.

- They're for you. - For me?

Yeah, we thought you might like to wear one today.

- Timmy! -

- Funny. - It's not half as funny as the look on your face.

- You gotta let me do it to somebody. - Oh, no, Pee Wee. I don't know.

- I don't think there's anybody left. - There's gotta be somebody.

- Pee Wee, I think we've done just about everybody. - Except--

- Let me do Meat. You've gotta let me do Meat. - No.

Come on, Timmy.

- Okay. - Okay.

Now, listen. The one in your left hand is the raw egg, okay?

- Uh-huh. - That's the one you drop.

The one in your right hand, that's the hard-boiled egg. That's the one you hit him with.

Left hand raw. Right hand "smacko."

Go get him, tiger.

- Hi, Meat. - Hi, Pee Wee. What's going on?

- Oh, nothing. - Guys. - Hi.

- Oh, yeah. - Watch it, man. Geez.

- What are you, a psycho? What's with the eggs? - What eggs?

- Those eggs. - These eggs?

Watch my lips. Those eggs.

- These eggs? - What? Is there an echo here?

- They're for you. - For me? What am I gonna do with 'em?

Well, uh, we thought you'd like to wear one today.

- Morris, you're dead. - I know I'm dead.

Watch it, it's Kong.

Good morning, Miss Balbricker. My, you look nice this morning. Are you losing weight?

Hup.

Hot damn, you like to live dangerously.

- She wants a piece of your ass. - Miss Walker.

- Nice pass, Cavanaugh. - Too bad,Jew boy.

Tim, what's your problem, man?

- Oh, boy, would I like to get next to that. - Ah, yes. Lassie.

- "Lassie"? - Patience, my boy. Patience.

- Why do you call her Lassie? - Why do you think?

- I don't know. -

Are you kidding? You calling her a dog?

Fred, that's angel food cake.

You touch her, and the Food and Drug Administration gets you for fuckin' food.

- Well, what can I tell you? - You can tell me why they call her Lassie.

Just get her up in the equipment room. You'll find out.

- What are you talking about? - But beware of King Kong.

Wait a minute. Come here, Fred.

- Hi, Miss Walker. - Hi, Pee Wee.

- Tommy, Miss Walker's hot. - Pee Wee, she just said hi to you.

- Yeah, but did you see the way she said hi to me? - Right, Pee Wee.

Boy, Miss Balbricker...

you put a lot of weight behind that one.

Coach Goodenough, would you kindly keep your balls off my tumbling mat?

- Beg your pardon? - The basketballs.

Would you kindly keep them in your own court?

I have little enough room for my girls as it is.

- Oh, I'll take care of that, Miss Balbricker. - Thank you.

The girls' tumbling team just went in.

Heck, those broads never take a shower.

- You ought to like that, Mickey. - What about the majorettes?

- Uh, they're still out there. - Yeah, well, keep looking.

- Hey, Billy, Ginny just went in. - Hey.

You're not allowed to think about her with her clothes off.

You aren't even allowed to look at her with her clothes on.

- Little dip. -

Hey, Tim, I was just thinking, maybe we ought to invite Brian tonight.

Why do we gotta invite a Jew?

All we need now is a Communist and a spic and we have the whole thing.

You know, you're really the tolerant type, Cavanaugh.

- I notice you're still including yourself in. - Hey, man, broads are broads.

I just don't see why we gotta invite a kite.

Brian's a good guy. He's only been here a couple months. Give him a chance.

He's a jerk, and a Jew jerk at that.

All right. We won't ask him.

But you're a case, Cavanaugh.

Billy, they just went in. Miss Walker's with them.

- I gotta put my shoes on. - Come on, we're gonna miss her.

You wouldn't know what to do with Miss Walker even if she told you.

- Come on, Billy. - I'm coming.

Billy.

Billy!

Let's go. Come on.

- Damn it. We missed them. - Shh.

Shh. Kong.

Damn it! I told you we were gonna miss them!