The Big Bang Theory

The problem appears to be unsolvable.

Maybe we could run some computer simulations.

There are too many variables. It would take forever.

We've got to be missing something.

Let's start again.

The movie is playing here at 7:20, here at 7:40,

here at 8:10 and here at 8:45.

These theaters have to be eliminated.

Why? They're state-of-the-art digital projection, 20-channel surround sound.

Yes, but they have no Icee machines.

Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.

What about the multiplex here? The seats are terrific.

They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines.

No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.

It's gonna take at least an hour to eat,

and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant

proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.

- We could eat after the movie. - Unacceptable.

The delay would result in tomorrow's bowel movement occurring at work.

Hang on, hang on. There's a 7-Eleven here.

We smuggle Slurpees, which are essentially Icees,

in under our coats,

after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.

I don't see how we missed that.

Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpees Icees?

That's how we missed it.

Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis,

to create an emergency ad hoc Slurpee-Icee equivalency?

You know I can't do that.

I guess we only have one option.

I don't see any way around it.

- Bye, Sheldon. - See ya.

They're right, it was the only option.

Shut the door!

- Why? - Just do it!

- Get inside and shut the door. - Well, you didn't specify.

- Is Leonard around? - He went to the movies without me.

It was the only option.

I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is.

Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?

The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs,

- and I haven't paid my rent. - Oh, I see.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable harboring a fugitive

from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.

It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills

because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

If you recall, I pointed out the "check engine" light

to you several months ago.

The "check engine" light is fine.

It's still blinking away.

It's the stupid engine that stopped working.

It cost me like $1,200 to fix it.

It occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

Yes, it occurs to me, too.

Hang on a moment.

Here. Take some.

Pay me back when you can.

- You got a lot of money in there. - That's why it's guarded by snakes.

- Take some. - Don't be silly.

I'm never silly.

- Here. - No, I can't.

Don't you need money?

- Yeah, but... - This is money I'm not using.

But what if you need it?

My expenses account for 46.9% of my after-tax income.

The rest is divvied up between a small savings account,

this deceptive container of peanut brittle

and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure

who shall remain nameless for his own protection.

Or her own protection.

- Take some. - Really? I mean, are you sure?

I see no large upcoming expenditures

unless they develop an affordable technology

to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.

Are they working on that?

I sincerely hope so.

Well, thank you.

No, I can't.

Honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.

Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you

every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box

and washing your hair with rain water?

- I'll pay you back as soon as I can. - Of course you will.

It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can.

Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.

I'm regretting this already.

I've given the matter some thought, and...

I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.

Interesting.

Ask me why.

Do I have to?

Of course. That's how you move a conversation forward.

Why?

The learning opportunities would be abundant.

Additionally, I like having my belly scratched.

- Hey, Penny. How was work? - Great.

I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory for my whole life.

Was that sarcasm?

Was that sarcasm?

- Was that sar... - Stop it!

- You appear to have a package here. - Oh, thanks.

This must be the beret I ordered.

A couple of months ago. It was back-ordered.

Did you know the beret is an example

of a piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms?

Another fascinating example is the epaulet.

He's not lying. He does find that fascinating.

Whatever. It's not like I'm running up and down the streets

just buying myself berets.

I bought one a month ago, and it was back-ordered.

- Look, it finally arrived, all right? - All right.

Oh, my God, would you just get off my case?!

- Weird. - Good, that was an unusual interaction.

I wasn't sure.

- Did you guys have an argument? - No.

You clearly did something to aggravate her.

I'm at a loss.

If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions

and see if there's a blunder I overlooked.

Here you go.

You owe me another two dollars. The price of moo shu pork went up.

It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.

Here you go, Penny. Shrimp with lobster sauce.

- Thank you. What's my share? - Don't worry about it. It's my treat.

Really, how much?

Whatever. $10, $11.

Which is it, $10 or $11?

$14.50. But it's no biggie.

You'll get the next one.

What?

He was just wondering if he wore skintight jeans and a tank top

if he'd get his shrimp lo mein for free.

What are you saying? That I'm using my body to get dinner?

That I'm some kind of Chinese food prostitute?

Yeah, Raj, what are you saying?

Let me tell you something. I pay my own way in this world, okay?

I don't rely on anybody!

What was that about?

He has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out.

Kind of like a puppy.

Here, Leonard. $10, $11, $12... $14.

It was $14.50, but it's okay.

Oh, good. Dinner's here.

Yes, and I'm having some. I'm having takeout food.

You're damn right it's okay. I've been having leftovers at the restaurant

for like four days, and I wanted something different. So sue me.

Forgive me, but that would be

the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit.

I will pay you back as soon as I can. You just have to give me more time.

- You lent her money? - She need money.

You seem under pressure.

Did I not lend you a sufficient amount? Because I can give you more.

You know, you would just love that, wouldn't you?

You would just love to open up your little snake can

and throw some money at the girl who can't pay her bills.

- Where are you going? - Going home,

where I won't be interrogated like a criminal.

I forgot my fortune cookie.

In case either of you have larceny in your heart,

you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.

But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of 50s in Green Lantern's ass.

- Hey. - Hey.

A little mood lighting, huh?

When I didn't pay my bill,

the Department of Water and Power thought I would enjoy the ambience.

Yeah, they're very considerate that way.

I used Sheldon's money to pay my rent. Then I had like $14 left over.

$14, huh?

Put it back in your pocket, or I'll find some other place to put it.

Back in the pocket it goes.

You do understand

Sheldon really doesn't care when he gets the money back.

It's actually one of the few idiosyncrasies

that doesn't make you want to... kill him.

Yeah, well, that's not really my big problem.