American Housewife

Packed your favorite... strawberries.

Mom, strawberries aren't my favorite fruit anymore.

Since when?

Since I had the pleasure of tasting a tangelo.

Now my top five fruits are, in order,

tangelos, guava, tomatoes...

they're a fruit, Google it...

kiwi, and pluots.

Got to love Westport.

The closest I got to fresh fruit as a kid

was wild cherry cough drops.

Oh, no!

Principal Ablin's gonna ask me

to chaperone another one of Anna-Kat's class field trips!

Katie, I need to speak to you

about the field trip tomorrow.

I got to come up with an excuse.

What have I used in the past?

I've done root canal. I've done malaria twice.

I had my hip replaced at a very young age.

Wait.

I actually have a legitimate excuse

for not going on the field trip!

Katie, I was wondering if you w...

I can't chaperone the field trip!

I have a job!

Ha! In your face!

Why is it in my face?

I don't know. You figure it out. You're the educator.

Long day at work?

Long month at work.

I have been working overtime

planning the Founder's Day Fair.

- What's that? - It is the fair in three weeks

that celebrates the founding fathers of Westport.

All I know is, I ordered a gluten-free funnel cake today,

and part of me died.

I could really use a big-time pony play session

with you right now.

Okay. Choose your filly.

Where's Sir Sparkles?

He died last month saving Sassy Sadie

from drowning in the toilet.

I begged him to learn how to swim.

I don't recognize most of these ponies.

I've gotten a lot of new ones lately.

Here's my favorite... Major Cuddles!

Major isn't just his rank,

but also how I describe his hugs,

because even though he's military,

he's not emotionally distant.

Anna-Kat, I'm sorry

that I've been working nights and weekends

and haven't been able to play with you as much.

It's okay, Mom. I know you're busy.

I actually don't expect you to be around,

so I just assume you won't be.

And the new number-one thing a mother never wants to hear is...

what Anna-Kat just said.

Till Oliver says, "We're putting you in a home.

No cable."

Did you know Sir Sparkles died?

Oh, yeah. That was a rough one.

He didn't have a will.

His colts are still fighting over his estate.

I used to know everything going on with her.

I feel so disconnected.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I bet you know all the pony names.

Of course I do. I'm a good parent.

... married to another good parent.

Mm-hmm.

So, here we are...

two good parents.

I'm just having a hard time with the work/life balance thing.

Look, we're lucky I can adjust my schedule

and work out of the house more and be with the kids.

When one of us is busy,

the other can pick up the slack. We're a team.

I know, but I still feel bad.

Anna-Kat is getting older,

and I don't want our relationship to become

like my relationship with Taylor.

What's wrong with that?

Taylor, how you doing, honey?

Get off my back, man!

Well, if you want to spend more time with Anna-Kat,

maybe you should chaperone the field trip instead of me.

You're chaperoning?

Yeah, Ablin called and asked me to go.

Well, look at you...

knowing pony names, chaperoning field trips.

Part of the problem is, you're too nice of a dad.

You need to be worse.

When it comes to parenting,

I don't go up to you... you come down to me.

Why do I always have to come down to you?

I don't do self-improvement.

You knew that when you married me, bro.

I don't feel well.

Yeah, right! Go get dressed.

I'm being serious!

I've been throwing up all night.

Why don't you ever believe me?

- 'Cause you always fake being sick. - Mm-hmm.

You're thinking of Mom and malaria.

I do do that.

I swear... I'm really sick.

Trip is going to Thunder Park

for senior ditch day, and I want to go.

So fake being sick.

I fake being sick way too many times.

Unless I barf up some arthritis...

- That's not a thing. - ... then Mom and Dad won't buy it.

I need your help.

They might not buy you being sick,

but they will if we both are sick.

Wait... you're sick?

That's great! Then you can get me sick!

Quick... sneeze in my mouth.

No! I'll also fake being sick.

Oh.

They'll never think we're both lying.

But if I do this for you,

you guys need to take me and Cooper to Thunder Park.

Fine.

What's the plan?

I've been throwing up all night.

Oh, no. Taylor, too.

Geez, if they're both sick,

then maybe Taylor is not lying after all.

Maybe they have food poisoning.

Just follow my lead.

Hey, Mom?

Can I have this yogurt smoothie

I found in the fridge?

Sure.

Great. It looks delicious.

Hey, Taylor, you want to share

this yogurt smoothie I found in the fridge?

It looks delicious.

Sure. It looks delicious.

Oh, no! It's expired.

Oh, who cares?

Mom always said it's okay to eat expired food

if it's in the two-week buffer zone.

Oh, well. Bottoms up.

You guys are total idiots for drinking that expired smoothie.

But it was in the buffer zone!

- Did you smell it? - No.

Everyone knows you got to smell it

if it's in the buffer zone.

That is buffer zone 101.

Back to bed. No school for you two today.

I'm sorry I can't stay and take care of them.

I have to go on Anna-Kat's field trip.

Oh, don't worry, Dad.

Oliver and I can take care of each other.

That's sweet.

Stop being the nice parent. You're making me look bad.

You could try being the nice parent.

We can't change it up now, Greg.

- We are in this way too deep. - Hmm.

I need some advice on what to do with Anna-Kat.

I don't have time to do the fun stuff

that we usually do together because of work.

Oh. I can totally relate to that.

- Really? - That's not possible.

Recently, I started spending

more time at home with the kids,

but then I felt like I was missing out

on all this fun stuff at the country club.

I felt bad for neglecting the club,

so I started spending less time at home.

Hmm.

Katie, if you want to spend time with your kids,

then sometimes that means doing things with them

that you don't want to do... like chaperoning.

But I already did that last year.

Yeah, well, it's kind of like the mammogram of parenting.

Ugh. Just another way they put the squeeze on us!

I don't want to chaperone again.

It was just a lot of me saying,

"Don't wander off! Stay together!

Don't climb on that!"

"Don't tell your mom I hit you."

But I did have fun with Anna-Kat.

We sang songs on the bus, and we made up this game

where we pretended not to know anything

because it was our first day on Earth.

- Example, please. - Mm.

"What is this mysterious brown substance?"

Yeah, I don't care anymore.

Katie, there's no reason why you can't go

on that field trip today and reconnect with Anna-Kat.

You're right.

- I'm gonna do it. - Great.

When do they leave?

10 minutes.

- Damn! I got to go. - Oh.