Brooklyn Nine-Nine

It's happening again.

Rosa, Rosa, Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room.

I pranked him. I tied his shoelaces together.

You're 38 years old, dude.

I know, and yet my pranks still stay so fresh.

It's incredible.

You gotta untie his shoes before he gets hurt.

Look, seriously?

- Seriously. - Fine.

But what's the worst thing that could happen?

He's being strangled to death!

How?

- So you still annoyed? - Yes.

You can't keep saying "mischief managed"

after we finish sex.

It's what Harry Potter says

when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.

Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer

to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.

But what we're doing is magical.

We're making a baby.

Wait, why'd you stop the elevator?

Look, I know you're excited, and I am too,

but I really don't want to talk

about us trying to get pregnant while we're at work.

You haven't said anything to Charles, right?

No, and it's killing me.

I still don't get why you can tell Rosa but I can't tell him.

Rosa's low key.

Charles can be low key.

So how was everyone's weekend?

Oh, uh, we bought a couch.

Hoo-hoo, tell me everything!

Okay, fine, he can be a bit much.

But don't worry.

I have a plan that guarantees I'm not gonna tell him.

I've cut him out of my life completely.

That doesn't seem sustainable.

Yeah, well, so far, it's working

and it's foolproof, so...

Morning!

- Jake, can I talk to you for a second? - Mm-hmm.

I feel like we haven't hung out in forever.

Oh, is that so? I didn't realize. Is that the case?

You wanna get a drink after work tonight?

I'm dying to tell you about Genevieve's new shampoo.

It's edible.

Oh, wow, that sounds so fun,

but I actually... can't because I have plans

with Ted Crap... It's a friend of Amy's.

The point is, I'm unavailable for a very real reason.

Jake!

- Oh, my God, is that... - Boyle!

It does sound like...

It's me, Adrian Pimento.

Yeah, we know.

Hi, Adrian. How are you?

Very bad, someone's trying to kill me.

Before we wrap up this briefing,

I wanted to give a few shout-outs.

Diaz, great job on that B&E.

You are a good cop with a great attitude.

- I don't like this. - Santiago, when I think

of your CompStat reports, one word comes to mind: wow.

And that "WOW" is an acronym for "wow, oh, wow."

- What is happening? - He's buttering us up

before giving us some devastatingly bad news.

My God, Jake and Charles are dead.

Jake and Charles are not dead.

It's worse than that.

We have to do our annual HR seminar

on workplace conflict tomorrow.

What? Already?

I know. I know.

These seminars are not exactly our favorite things.

Question: if I get shot

in the line of duty, can I miss it?

Legally, you still have to make it up.

Well, there goes that plan.

Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me.

I'm saying no to a seminar.

Look, it's mandatory, it's not up for debate,

but we'll get through it

'cause we're the best squad in the city

with the nicest hair, the kindest eyes.

He's buttering us up again, so more bad news is coming.

HR said they're sending a funny guy.

No!

All I know is, I woke up in a pool of my own blood

next to a metal chair that had a dent in it

the same shape as my head.

What were you doing before the attack?

I was sitting in said metal chair watching

the season two premiere of "The Masked Singer."

The Egg had just gone, and I'm pretty sure I know who it is,

Sara Gilbert.

- That doesn't make any sense. - Are you kidding?

You don't think I know how Darlene walks?

No, no, no, no, I'm sure you do,

it's just "The Masked Singer" ended four months ago.

I still can't believe that the Bowl of Ramen

wasn't Dikembe Mutombo.

Four month... no, no, no.

I watched this last night.

That doesn't make any...

Where am I?

- What is that table? - Calm down.

You're at the nine-nine, and you know what a table is.

I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?

Oh, my God.

Pimento has "Memento" disease.

Your memory is resetting

like the guy from the movie "Memento."

- What? - You guys never saw "Memento"?

It's the guy with no short-term memory,

you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.

Is it like Dory from "Finding Dory,"

she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?

- No, no, it's like... - Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah!

I'm like the forgetful little fish.

- Ah. - Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that,

- but it's also like... - Just keep swimming!

- That's what Dory says. - Classic Dory, Jake!

Ugh, you guys really ruined

the coolness of this "Memento" thing.

Also, Jake, "Following"

is Christopher Nolan's first movie.

You sound like a grade A out here.

What's up, squad?

Hope y'all like condiments because I got all the sauce.

Huh?

I arrested a tween shoplifter yesterday,

and she was real cool at talking.

I love you, Amy, but maybe slang isn't your thing.

Whatevs.

Check it: I got a copy

of last year's workplace conflict presentation.

All we have to do is study the crap out of it,

then we can answer every question

before that tool from HR even asks it.

We'll be done in no time.

So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar

is having us memorize the boring seminar.

Exactly.

It's genius, and it's fun.

I love committing things to memory.

Yeah, I'm out. I don't do homework.

You do now.

- Get busy, ya flope. - Flope?

It means loser, okay? It's new slang.

People are saying it! The tween said so!

It just doesn't make any sense.

I mean, you love "The Dark Knight," you love "Inception,"

and you haven't even seen "Memento"?

Jake, I don't know what to tell ya.

I spend a lot of time in jungles, you know.

They don't exactly get movies like that.

It's usually big blockbusters like "Finding Dory."

486 million domestic.

When you factor in international, 1.2 billion.

Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here.

What else has been going on in your life?

Normal stuff.

Ooh, I got hired as a PI

by the Countess Luann from "Real Housewives."

I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi.

I also microwaved a watermelon

just to see if it would explode.

Okay, this is immediately unhelpful,

but did the watermelon explode?

It just cracked and got hot.

- Oh. - Total bust.

Hey, maybe one of your PI cases

is the reason you got attacked.

I thought of that too, but I doubt it.

You know, they're all the same, kinda boring.

It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone

to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.

It seems a little specific

that they would all be like that, but okay.

Where is that coming from?

Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!

- What? - They put a bomb in my chest!

What do we do?

Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.

You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

It says, "Take pill, right jacket Po"...

I've never seen these before in my life.

This was filled three days ago.

This doctor must be treating you for your...

"Finding Dory" Disease,

that's what most people call anterograde amnesia.

Just keep swimming.

Exactly, that's what I tell my patients,

just keep swimming.

So what do you think caused Pimento's memory loss?

Probably years of repeated head trauma.

I've been working as a neurologist

for over two decades, and I have never seen a patient

with more traumatic head injuries.