Junior's Giants: Envy Thou Not

A few months ago in church, Junior Anderson heard

the story of David and Goliath for the first time.

And David chose a small rock, put it in the sling, and with a great whoosh,

he let it fly, and down fell the mighty Goliath.

Now, the important thing I want you to remember, children, is that there will be

giants for you to fight in your lives, too.

Yes, Junior?

Did you say that I'm going to fight giants?

Yes, Junior.

What does metaphorically mean?

That means that your giants will be problems in your life, like temptation or sin.

To be clear, there will be giants, yes, no.

Uh... you bet.

That is so awesome!

And that was the day Junior learned that he would meet his giants.

Junior's latest obsession was Rotomon Warriors,

a collectible series of battling robots.

I like Rotomon!

Let's battle!

New chip.

Mine's good.

Huh?

New chip.

Take that!

Fluffy pillows are funny.

It's not funny.

New chip.

I'm winning.

Oh no.

No, no, no.

You lost!

Well, if your narrow definition of lost is that you cut

my bot in two, and then you blew it up, then yes, I lost.

That might be everybody's definition of losing.

I will never lose to one-toothed kid again!

Technically, he has two teeth, it looks like.

It looks like one, but there is a line.

I'll need better chips.

Much better chips!

I'm not comfortable with you holding my shirt like this.

But where?

Where will I find these expansion chips?

Uh, the store?

Yes, of course!

The store!

Mwahahahaha!

Nine weeks later, Junior and Nico walk to the store for the 37th time.

I just don't understand why we have to go to the store again.

Nico, when you really want something, it helps to visualize it.

Yes, but visualizing means that you are imagining it.

Actually, seeing it is, well... seeing it.

Look, you don't know what it's like, man.

To give up your allowance for nine straight weeks to want something?

Really crave something!

I'm a simple kid, like any other kid.

Just a kid!

A kid who wants to buy an Ultimate Warrior Rotomon Expansion Chip!

Hey, I really felt something that time.

Have your parents fallen for that yet?

No.

Mom's still making me save my own money.

Are we done?

Almost.

I'm starting to wish I'd never told you about this store.

What are you guys looking at?

Are you kidding?

That's the Ultimate Warrior Expansion Chip!

That looks cool.

Yeah, it is!

I wish I had some money.

Oh, you want one of those too?

Yeah, that and I haven't eaten in three days.

Can I have some food?

Probably.

Go ask your mom.

Junior!

What?

I think he's asking you for food.

Oh, well I don't have any food.

Can I have some money?

Oh, see I need my money to buy the Ultimate Warrior Expansion Chip, featured here.

I'm sure you understand.

Ooh, here goes!

Take a good look inside At the hunger you hide Rolls-Royce Warriors Are the toys you

should buy Rolls-Royce Buying this makes you feel alive Buying this does not

actually make you feel alive Buying this makes you feel alive Huh?

Wow, this is the Rotomon Empire, just like in the catalogue.

Look at all those expansion chips!

Welcome, battle fans, to another epic match-up between Junior and Giant.

As always, I'm Bob Ryker.

And I'm Deb Cross.

And we're here in Giant Gold Egyptian Stadium as Junior prepares to battle a

Giant Gold... Egyptian... What do you call that, Deb?

His name is Pheromone.

He's Junior's mighty opponent.

Let's go live via our geosynchronous satellite feed tube.

Right over there.

This is incredible!

Whoa!

What is this?

Oh, I get it.

You start out small and then... Ha ha ha ha!

Junior Anderson, I am Pheromone.

I have it all.

Everything that'll make you feel alive.

This is all yours?

You've got Rotomon chip, Obelisk Archival 1, 2, 3, and 4!

And the laser thingy!

And the pyramid!

Wow!

If I had all this, no one could beat me!

You want all of this?

Yeah!

Pity.

I don't think you're good enough to get it.

What?

Yes, I am good enough.

Just give me a chance.

Then show me!

Let's battle!

I don't think we're in the same weight class.

What is this?

Awesome!

Okay, let's do it.

You're going offline.

You are no match for me in all that I have.

That's it.

Let's see how you deal with the Kitty Catastrophe Expansion Chip.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's not what I'm talking about.

That tickles!

It looks like Junior's used his kitty catastrophe expansion chip.

You know, those cat teeth could really hurt.

I remember the time I posed for Cat Fancy magazine dressed as a ball of yarn.

Ow!

It tickles!

I need better chips.

Round one is over and Junior's robot just couldn't keep it together.

He sure couldn't.

Junior appears a little shaken, but Butterscotch the cat is unharmed.

More to come from Giant Gold Egyptian Stadium.

Meanwhile at James K.

Polk Elementary, Celia was amazed to discover that there was a process by which

she could be elected president of the whole school.

And so the student who gets the most votes This will become

the next president of the Elementary School Student Party.

Questions?

Yes, Howard?

Is it okay if I go after the youth vote?

Stop yelling at me.

You're all youth.

Yes, George?

Don't mess with Texas.

That's not a question.

You keep saying that.

Please stop.

Syria?

Will the president have full budgetary authority over school activities?

And if so, how much money is that?

Yes, saw that coming.

$348.17 in U.S.

legal tender.

I am so in!

I am so surprised.

Mom believed it was a mother's obligation to record her family's memories with

stickers and bows in a ritual she called scrapbooking.

Hello?

Mom thought that she was an excellent

scrapbooker, a fact that was tragically not true.

I'd love to teach the craft class at church this month.

Oh, I'll do scrapbooking!

Up to this point, the family had avoided telling mom that her pages were horrible.

And so she felt comfortable teaching anyone.

While mom spoke on the phone, Little Man used his

unsupervised 48 seconds to scale the family bookcase.

As Little Man reached the top, he felt a sense of overwhelming pride.

Even his mom screamed with delight.

What are you doing?

I know, thought Little Man.

Isn't it amazing?

Come here, come here, come here.

What?

What is it?

This is the newest wireless broadband internet router.

It's 802.11X, which means it can broadcast up to like 200 megabits per second.

Per second!

It supports triple DES encryption and is backward compatible with earlier 802.

11 iterations.

It can broadcast up to 100 yards with a clear line

of sight, which is like half the neighborhood.

Heck, if I wanted to, I could become my own ISP.

Oh, oh, and it's park and play, which means there shouldn't be any downtime.

I just got some new die cuts for scrapbooking that

can handle up to 100 pound acid-free cold press.

See, I can do it too.

It's wireless internet.

As in, no wires.

As in, we can take our laptop anywhere.

Within a hundred yards at least.

As in, honey, will you look up a recipe for me online?