2 Broke Girls

The Sad Lady Book Club is reading

Fifty Shades of Grey again.

There's not a dry seat in the house.

If those ladies are that into light torture,

they should just apply for our jobs.

- - Hey.

Aww, you two are so adorable.

Like Romeo and Juliet, but without the bright future.

Yeah...

I want him out of the diner.

What are you talking about?

Anyone who works in this diner

is like a fat guy in a smart car.

You can never get out.

It's true.

I came in here in 1962 for a cup of coffee.

Someone asked me to break a dollar, and I never left.

Look. Living, working, and sleeping with the same guy

is never a good idea.

Just talk to Hillary Clinton.

I guess I can get a dishwasher fired.

When I was rich, I got Wolfgang Puck fired from Wolfgang Puck.

Get yours, Max!

Hit it then quit it.

That strategy served me well in my 20s and 30s.

Evening, ladies.

Also, my 70s.

- - Pick up.

Or don't.

Who gives a crap?

Well, someone's in a bad mood. What's wrong, Oleg?

Did they discontinue making Axe body spray?

Don't even kid.

No. I'm cranky because I'm not having sex right now.

Yeah. I thought it was weird seeing both your hands

while you were talking.

Sophie's idea. It's some old Polish ritual.

The bride and groom remain chaste for 30 days

before the wedding.

Apparently, the "something blue" at the wedding

has got to be my balls.

So, you're practicing celibacy.

I'm trying, but there are women everywhere.

I feel like a bull in a vagina shop.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I'm unveiling a major improvement to the diner!

Well, we'll miss you, Han.

Nice try, Max, but like Ryan Seacrest,

I'll be here forever.

Now, will you all please do what you have yet to do on Twitter

and follow me?

You too, Earl.

Hell, this better be good.

Every step I take could be my last.

And now...

Without further a-douche...

Ready to have your minds blown?

At this point, I'm ready to have anything blown.

Ta-da!

That is the worst gift I ever received

and last year, my son bought me a coffin.

This works out great then, because it's not for you.

It's for Nash.

Oh, well, that's real nice.

Because the shower at Max's place doesn't work at all.

You better believe it's nice.

That's the Spritzy 5000.

Dishwasher Weekly gave it four out of four Dishies.

You know our oven doesn't work, right?

Hey, boss lady, if we work hard, do we get a gift?

If you work hard, I'll die childless

with my mouth frozen open in shock.

Yeah, I went there!

Nash works hard, so only he may handle my beautiful hose!

Well, if he's handling Han's hose,

he's never getting fired.

Okay. Step up here, Nash.

I'll show you what this puppy can do.

So far the puppy can't reach the hose.

A little help.

Aww, there's nothing cuter than a hot guy holding a baby.

Now just grab that thing and squeeze it till it sprays.

Move to call a moratorium on the words "grab," "squeeze,"

and "sprays" till the wedding.

Damn! That's hot.

And me without any singles to stuff down his pants.

Well, I better go dry off in the men's room.

Don't be too long in that stall.

I've got a date with the Land O'Lakes butter package lady

on my next break.

Oh. Pardon me, ladies. I'm all wet.

Max? Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Those ladies looking at him like he's a senior special

at Sizzler's?

We might not be able to get Nash fired,

but we can get him hired as a fashion model.

Look at their faces.

He could be the future bulge of Calvin Klein.

Now you're talking about the future?

Why can't you just accept that we are stuck

with a really crappy present?

Quit trash-talking the Spritzy 5000!

Good afternoon. Welcome to The High.

I'll have somebody get you some water.

Not me, 'cause I'm past that.

You know, here.

I think I just sat another one of those lesbian blind-dates

for our boss.

It's hard out there for a pimp.

Why do you think I got out of pimping?

That and someone broke a beer bottle over my head.

So, did you get Nash a modeling job yet?

I'm working on it.

It's not like I can just call Tyra Banks.

Well, that's what her people said when I called.

Ugh, phone therapy ran long.

Apparently I have more issues than I realized

about Rosie leaving The View.

Are my dates here yet?

Please don't tell me it's her, her, or her.

It's her, her, and her.

Lose them.

How am I supposed to get rid of them?

Just say what anyone says when they want a lesbian to leave,

"There's a Subaru outside that's about to get a ticket."

If you had you told me, ten years ago,

I'd be on a dating site called "Lez Meet Up,"

I would've told the youth pastor I was married to,

"You've lost your mind."

Oh, I just got some interest

from the Del Monico Modeling Agency.

But for the interview, he needs photos.

And not just the pictures of his butt on your phone.

Fine, you handle it.

The only thing I know about modeling is

a couple of years ago, I was the face of shingles on WebMD.

Girls, perfect timing to ask me to do this photo shoot.

The FBI just gave me my camera back last week.

Oh, so you get your camera back,

but I'm still waiting on that kilo of coke

that I spent hours carefully filling my butt with?

Let me just change the settings.

This camera is used to taking pictures from 800 feet away.

And we want those pictures back, Oleg!

Hey, everybody!

Just call me "rush hour traffic"

'cause I sure am horny.

Oh, Caroline, I do not know how you go years, and years,

and years, and years, and years, and years

without doing the nasty.

It's only been years and years.

- Come on. - And years.

Well, I could go for a brisket sandwich.

We're closed, Sophie.

I know. I got one in my purse.

And why are you doing the photo shoot in this skanky dishroom?

Because we're going with the "hot dishwasher" angle.

The agency said every model needs a hook.

Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford has a beauty mark

and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Yeah, yeah. My sister is a model in Poland and she has a hook.

It's her left hand, yeah. It's is also great for kabobs.

Come on, Nash!

Put a little Irish Spring in your step.

I'm a little nervous.

The only other time I had my picture taken was at school.

The priest said he needed a shirtless one for the roll call.

Where did he go to school, Our Lady of To Catch a Predator?

Wow. You sure look hot.

Careful, Sophie.

That's my brisket.

I'm not talking about Daniel Day-Loser here.

I'm talking about Oleg.

You are sweating like an old knockwurst

that has been left out in the sun.

It's really breathtaking.

Okay, Nash, stand over here near the hose

and give me hot face, dead eyes.

You know, like me when I mix NyQuil and DayQuil.

I call it AfternoonQuil.

Okay. Now I'm gonna start shooting.

Yeah. Shoot, baby! Shoot!

- What do you think? -

Well, he's stiff, but not in the good way.

Ugh, this is painful.

He's like Susan Boyle without the star quality.

We need a little of what he had the other day.

You'll thank me for this later.

Yes, Nash, yes!

Tear your shirt!

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Stop!

What the hell is happening in here?

I didn't give anyone permission to use my diner

for a photo shoot.

Calm down.

We are trying to get him a modeling job.

He has a job! He's my number one worker.

Like the doctor said to your mother when you were born,

tough break.