Children Ruin Everything

- Astrid? - Yes, I'm fine.

Let's do this. I'm up.

Oh, you're not with them?

No, I thought they were with you.

Not that it's your job, it's both of ours.

I just thought they were with you this moment.

Relax, James, it's not Like anyone exploded.

- Viv with Betty, eh? - One exploded.

Still pretty good.

Look at the mess!

I put you in jail for a reason!

whenever I want. I can get out.

- No, you can't! - You're poo-poo!

- You re poo-poo! - Okay, Viv, Viv,

come out from the coats, please, come on.

What are you doing here? Come on, buddy.

I put her in jail, she's dumb.

You can't call your sister dumb.

Anyone overhears that, you're...

gonna get canceled very hard.

What's burning? Did you burn cereal?

I'm making eggs.

- Oh, my God. - Okay...

- Oh, my God. - All right, here we go.

There's a lot of research out there

that shows people with kids are less happy

than people without kids.

And look, it's hard to argue

with the facts; Before kids, we had this.

Now, we have this.

Before, it was kind of like this.

Now, it's more like this.

And we swapped this...

- - for this.

So it's very possible that these big idiots

have made a huge mistake by having these little idiots.

Idiots like us.

These are our kids, Felix and Vivian.

This is James. I'm Astrid.

And I'm James... oh, you already...

- oh, now there's two of those. No...

anyway, are parents

really less happy than childless people?

How do you even measure happiness?

Well, that's where I can help, you see,

before becoming a full time mom, I was a data analyst.

So I take raw, quantifiable data,

like money, free time, uninterrupted minutes

and I present it in ways on the toilet,

that people can understand.

But what about the data you can't measure,

like joy, pride, and, like, good vibes, man?

- Shouldn't that count, too? Yeah, right?

I mean, maybe we don't have as much money or time

- or fun, but we do have... Yeah, kids.

Yeah, that stuff can just go on the floor.

Think of the floor as one big shelf.

- Kids certainly do. - Chuck emailed me.

- Hey, how is Old Chucky? - Last night.

- That's my old boss. - Yeah, I didn't know.

- You caught me. - He said my job's available

in a few months if I'm ready to go back.

Oh, that's amazing. Do you want...

it's totally up to you. We need the money.

I'm definitely going back, Yes, no,

I need to earn, and also, my brain's turning to mush.

The other day, I forgot the word Japan.

- That was today. - Well, when I'm a working girl,

I'll never forget Japan again. So, I just need to let him know.

Viv's hogging the red crayons.

- No, I'm not. - Okay, guys,

we're having coffee. This is our time, remember?

Yeah, you guys shouldn't be drawing anyway unless

you're ready for school-are you ready for school?

I need underwear.

- Buddy, you're wearing pants. - Well-

Yeah, that's called going commando.

That can't be right. They for sure wear underwear.

Oh, bareback! No, that's not right either.

Raw dog.

You know what we should do?

- We should celebrate. - Yes.

A nice dinner, just you and me.

Do you think we can find a last-minute babysitter that can handle Viv?

Well, the kids can't come. Breakfast this morning was like a Viking's banquet.

No, it's normal.

My sister and I used to have wet bread fights.

I'd like to go to a nice place, you know, where they don't

- let you throw wet bread. - I thought you said

it was supposed to be a celebration.

Where's my lunch?

Okay, well, all the babysitters are booked.

Anyway, aren't you going to Ennis's tonight?

I mean, we should do I'Ll just bail.

something nice. We never do that anymore.

What? Didn't we just have that turkey cranberry thing?

Christmas dinner?

Why don't we order a fancy pizza?

No-no-no-no, that's not nice enough.

I'm gonna make us the pork shoulder thing,

and you are gonna love it.

So, do I have to buy the stuff for that today?

yes-yes, please. No, I... yes,

- Your coffee. Your coffee. - ...what?!

caffeine in that. No, there's

Tonight, we celebrate. Two incomes.

That means we did it Yatta!

in... place.

- You can do it. - Japan!

There it is.

You want that one? Wanna do that one?

- Hello, Astrid. - Oh, Dawn, hi.

I'm so surprised to see you in here.

This place is so overpriced.

Nine dollars for mustard.

it's a special occasion. Yes, well,

We're splurging on an animal who's seen the sunlight.

Say hi to Dawn Aunty.

Your cousin Cory and uncle Bo are over there

- looking at the bone broth. - Go on.

Oh, how's Bo?

He seems smiley.

Having a nervous breakdown

and being ousted from his own company was

the best thing that's ever happened to him.

He loves homeschooling Corey,

and, uh... oh... he's teaching himself to craft.

Did he craft that fun hat?

Still learning. So, what's the occasion?

Uh, well, in a few months,

I'm going back to work. Paid work.

- Astrid. - I know.

This is fantastic.

Have you told Mom yet? She's worried

you betrayed your feminist ideals.

No, I didn't betray anything.

I stayed home because James makes more money,

because he has a valuable penis,

and I have a garbage vagina.

Please don't tell Mom, because I really don't need the career advice.

Oh, you don't wanna hear about what makeup to wear

or how shiny your work clothes should be?

No, I've already heard about how shiny

- my at-home clothes should be. - Oh, speaking of Mom,

did you get her email about the vegan food truck

I think she read it on... in the park?

- -

- Hey, hey, hey. - Does she know how to breathe?

Really breathe? Yes, she's an ace breather,

- Bo, thank you. - It's natural, kiddo.

All this stuff used to be animals.

she's just never seen Okay, well,

a decapitated animal before, have you?

Oh.

I sent you a work email. Hey, James.

You sent me a work email?

you cannot send me Hey! Ennis,

deepfake nudes of myself.

Are you confirmed for tonight? I'm an artist.

- You're confirmed, right? - Yeah, no, I'm gonna

- try and make it, yes. - No, no, that is

the battle-cry of the no-show.

- -I have a family thing. - So come after.

It's not complicated. Why am I the only one

- working at this friendship? - Nice nudes, James.

Hey, Marla. This is not... this is a joke.

Yeah, I know. Relax. Ennis already sent them to me.

- How's it going, boss? - Considering what a gold mine

the pandemic has been for the grocery world,

it's going pretty trickin' well.

Except for the, you know,

death and the illness, though, right?

Sure, but we're opening

four new franchises in the next 15 months.

I could kiss COVID.

That's definitely how you get it.

We're gonna sweat and we're gonna bleed

and we're going to cry, and who knows what fluids

But once we crush will leak?

these openings, this y'all is gonna be a V-P!

Is there anything you needed? Awesome.

Just your hard work, your loyalty.

And, James, you're gonna need those balls.

Uh, not mine,

Why did she point at me when she said fluids?

- I'm asking Astrid. - Don't hide behind Astrid.

You promised you would come,

and now you're using your family as an excuse to suck.

- - She says I can go, it's cool.

Great. Okay. Hey, give me your buy-in

so I know you're locked in.

It's a new policy.

This is a very special dinner because we're celebrating

Mom going back to work.

Yes, celebration pasta.

- No meat at all, Viv? - I like meat.

Okay, because this morning, you... you know what?

Never mind... I'm just gonna blow right past that one.

Okay, let's raise our glasses to Mummy.

- Who put her career on hold. -