3rd Rock from the Sun

Hey, guys!

Just a moment, young lady.

What took you so long?

You've been out grocery shopping for 5 hours.

Yeah, well, it's hard to find good produce.

I'll take these, if you don't mind.

Ohh, not again!

You spent all our food money on shoes?

Where are you getting that from?

Sally, you have a problem.

No, I don't!

Oh, no? Come here.

Look at this place.

What? I don't have any more shoes than... than...

Than Italy?

And what is this?

I have a bad back.

Black Manolo pumps.

Check.

Velvet Mary janes.

Check.

Red strappy dolces.

Check.

Hey, y'all.

Vicki dubcek? Is that you?

Well, who else would it be?

Well, I don't know.

It's just that you look so, uh...

What's the opposite of trashy?

Not trashy?

Not trashy.

Oh, my god, Vicki?

Wow, look at you.

Why are you so cleaned up?

Well, to tell you the truth, I hit rock bottom.

I was drinking. Oh, yeah.

And I was freer with my body than a medical school cadaver.

But then along came little Eric Travis.

All: Ohh!

He's so little.

Motherhood certainly seems to have transformed you, Vicki.

Oh, boy, I'll say.

You know, I was so out of it,

I actually thought I was impregnated by an alien.

I mean, come on!

All: Come on!

You are a pig!

What's going on?

One of your friends is here to see you.

This is very important.

Is he literally a pig?

I'm back! Ring-a-ding-ding!

Oh, god!

If it isn't the big giant head!

Welcome! What a surprise!

You didn't call. You usually call.

Why didn't you call?

Just keeping you on your toes.

Oh, smart move.

Actually, I forgot to call.

Brilliant! Brilliant.

Oh, Mary, you remember, uh, stone.

Stone Phillips.

Oh, god, no.

You're the attractive, mature one.

Would you do a cartwheel for me?

You're an ass.

If it's one as magnificent as yours, I thank you.

You're still an ass!

Strange, I don't remember earth being this bitchy.

I know. What's that all about?

So, your awesome bigliness, to what do we owe the honor

of your arrival?

The last time I was in rutherford, I sired an heir.

With Vicki dubcek, uh-huh.

Whoever.

Point is, I've come to take him back

to groom him for his future throne.

What a fine idea.

Long live the royal line... Oh, shut up.

Do me a cartwheel.

What?

A cartwheel!

That was sucky.

Oh, by the way, this harness belongs to your assistant.

Sally, are those new boots?

I'm sorry, Tommy. I tried, but this damn patch doesn't work!

Guys! I got good news and bad news.

What's the bad news?

The big giant head is here.

What's the good news?

There is none.

Well, then, why did you phrase it like that?

I don't know!

Come on!

Stop it! I hate that song.

Ooh, lieutenant.

Sir.

How's it possible that you're even

hot-monkey lovelier than before?

Sir, Mr. Head, wouldn't you like to see your son and heir?

What the hell is that?

That's your son, sir.

My son?

My son's a leader, a warrior.

This thing is covered in snot.

Well, it's 6 months old, sir.

That's normal for an earth baby.

Yeah, but if it makes you feel better, the size of his head

is the talk of the mommy and me group.

That's my boy.

No, that's my boy.

Well, if it isn't... Who are you?

I'm the woman you knocked up and then abandoned, you rat!

Oh, that's you!

You look less... Trashy. Yeah, I know.

Hey, baby.

Hey, sweet little boy.

Look at my sweetie.

Come on, little Eric Travis.

I don't want you anywhere near this itinerant sperm donor.

Well, sir... You know what they say,

"heir today and gone tomorrow."

Please don't vaporize me.

When I saw that woman holding my baby,

my heart filled with joy, my stomach got all tingly.

What's going on?

It sounds like you're in love, sir.

Love? Love? Yes, love.

Yes! I love her. She loves me.

We've never been happier.

Unfortunately, no, sir.

She despises you.

Then you have to make her love me.

Me, make her? I don't think I can.

Of course you can, dick. I mean, come on,

you made albright fall in love with you.

Yeah! When we first got here, she hated your guts.

And now, for some reason, she sleeps in your boxers.

Uh, that's true.

If you can't figure out a way to make Vicki dubcek love me,

I'll pull you off this mission.

And send you to Mars.

Oh, well, Mars is not so bad.

Not that Mars!

No!

All right, Sally.

The first step to curing your shoe addiction

is to eliminate the money source.

Of course! I'll kill dick.

No. Uh, I was talking about cutting up your credit card.

I can't do that.

Sally, it's for your own good.

Ok.

Ok.

No problem. Good.

Heh heh heh.

All right. All right.

Ahem!

There. Did it. Ha ha ha!

Whew!

That was your library card.

You're right. No problem.

It's understandable.

Ok. You can do it.

I'm ready. Good.

Ok... Ok, that was my library card.

I'm sorry!

Quit screwin' around. Take out your credit card.

Come on.

There. I did it, ok?

Good. Good. Now your bank of Columbus card.

Bank of Taiwan card, bank of crete card.

Not my bank of crete card.

Bank of crete!

Dick.

Damn.

Did you get that information I asked for?

Uh... right.

About that, sir... Here's the thing...

I can't make Vicki fall in love with you.

What you're asking for is impossible.

There are thousands of reasons

that humans fall in love with each other,

and each one is as special as all the others.

In other words, you've failed.

Largely, yes.

Prepare yourself for immediate deportation.

No.

Yes. I'm sending you eighth class,

where all they serve is a disgusting snack,

and you have to eat it!

5, 4, 3, 2... Harry! Oh, there you are!

Tell the big giant head here

how to make a woman fall in love with you.

Uh, well, you know, I've never been so good with words.

Show me!

We... of course, he'll show you.

That was my plan all along, to have Harry show you.

So show him, Harry.