Secret Santa

Oh my goodness

You know what this sounds like? It's majestic.

You ever hear of Carmina Burana?

Hello? Earth to Twitter McInstagram. Come in!

Oh, uh. Sorry. What?

Carmina Burana. It's like an opera, you know.

Bah, bah, bah, bum!

It's hard to sing with the Christmas stuff playing, but it's by some German guy named Orb.

Orff.

What?

Off. His name is Carl Orff.

Karloff? No, he was an actor - in Dracula.

No, the Mummy.

What?

I know the piece of music!

Yeah, so - it's about these degenerate monks buggering each other.

Ain't that something? Ha Ha!

Uh, huh. Thanks for the lift, Uncle Carter.

You got it, kiddo!

Fuckin' Germans huh?

But they did make the trains run on time!

Yes sir!

Humph!

Yeah, that's what it looks like!

I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day.

That's what it looks like to be a man

on Christmas Day in the morning. Balls deep! Woo!

Jesus, honey, could you please not jerk up like that?

I I'm sorry baby, it's just the Christmas spirit is hitting me. It's making me so fucking hard!

I know, I just don't want it to pierce the back of my throat, okay?

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just-ya know come on, this is my favorite part.

Oh, they sailed into Bethlehem on Christmas day, on Christmas day.

Sing it with me, Baby!

On Christmas day, in the morning. Harmonize!

Humph!

Oh my God-we're late!

Oh my God! I'll give you $20 if you just take a breath.

She gets like crazy about lateness.

Says I'm wasting her life. Same way I'm wasting mine.

Do I hear forty?

It's the smallest poison dart in her arsenal.

Sixty.

You don't understand. She is one of those women who won't admit I'm her child in public.

Because how could she have a child may age. I mean she actually believes it

when somebody says we look like sisters.

A hundred. I'll give you a hundred dollars, if you just take a breath.

Ya see that?

It felt really good, didn't it? You're a hundred dollars richer now.

I worked really hard on this, Ty.

I know.

Getting everybody there and the Secret Santa bullshit and...

I just I want it to be

Perfect.

You know, I want everybody to get out of their own way and...

Be better.

Look, you're doing the right thing, getting everyone together like this, you are.

And the Secret Santa stuff, but, you can't save them from themselves sweets.

You can only do that for yourself.

I should let go.

Uh-hum

Maybe if I could just help Penny!?

Fuckin' Christmas

Fuck!

We're the first ones.

Why is that a bad thing?

Oh. She'll be livid.

No one else is on time.

There won't be anyone to split her fury with.

What about that truck down there?

Caterers. She's been feasting on them all day. There's no meat on those bones.

Okay, April. Remember what we talked about in the car?

I'm gonna ask for that hundred back and if you don't change your tune

Oh, my little Rainy Day girl!

Hi, Mom.

Mom? It thought this was your sister.

Ha! And who is this handsome fella?

This is Ty, Mom.

The guy I told you about the last nine months?

Uggh. Well April I mean, well, who can keep up with you and all your suitors?

Ouch. Little darty out here.

So nice to meet you.

It's it's just a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Pope.

Oh please. Mrs. Pope is that shriveled up beast I was forced to call my mother-in-law.

Nana?

Like she ever cared about you!?

Funny, she was late for everything too.

Must be where my children get it.

But you Ty, you just call me Shari.

Absolutely, Shari.

Well come on in, your gonna catch your death, let's get you to your rooms.

- Yeah, okay. - You are such a lawyer.

Whatever you say there, Rainy Day.

Here we are!

But Mom, isn't this the room with the bunkbeds?

Well, we are a full house tonight. Otherwise I'd give you separate bedrooms.

But I'm sure Ty here will follow the house rules, won't you dear?

Oh absolutely, Mrs. Shari.

Oh well, he is a treasure. Let's hope you can keep your hands on this one, Rainy.

Well, I'll let you unpack, but don't dilly-dally because I'm serving the crudité

and my famous punch the moment the others arrive.

Great. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I definitely felt those.

- Do you see what I mean?? - Wow.

She is like a porcupine. I'm twenty-nine, she puts us in bunkbeds!

Hey, look, this could be fun. We could build a fort, we could play cowboy and Indian princess.

I could attack in the middle of the night...

steal your land so to speak.

And why is she telling me about the fucking punch?

This whole night is gonna blow up in my damn face...

Hey. No it's not. It's gonna be great.

How you think she's gonna react when “He Who Shant Be Named” gets here?

Hey, hey.

Your lawyer's here. So, I'll take the heat for this whole thing,

you can tell everyone it was my idea in the first place, okay?

Well it kinda was, wasn't it?

And I might be able to get us a better deal on this bunkbed situation. Okay?

Sweetheart, come, I've just poured you some punch.

I'll pass.

Come on now-really?

Can you believe she's still on that AA kick?

No! You're still acting like you're an alcoholic?

It's not an act.

Ty, my aunt, Carol Taper.

Klein. It's Klein, dear.

When did that happen?

In June. Marvin and I eloped. Paris.

Oh, Paris. It's magical.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you're so busy climbing your steps, who knows where you are half the time.

Oh Ty, please tell me you're not going to be drinking Pepsi all night.

Ummm, uhh

Oh, I see Mother may he?

He can do whatever he wants.

Terrific. Ty?

Yeah. Absolutely! Sure, I'll try some of that, thank you.

You are most welcome, handsome.

Hands off, Mrs. Robinson-he's taken.

Oh, pffft. Oh I almost forgot

Oh mom, not this again!

Cellphones!

Come on, come on!

Holiday rules.

No Cellphones on Christmas Eve.

Really? OK here ya go.

Hey, sis!

Kyle! It's so good to see you. When did you get here?

About ten

About ten minutes ago!

Everyone else is in their rooms.

Everyone?

Well sweetheart what do you expect when you lock yourself away with gorgeous here for an age?

We were just getting set

Oh dear, we know what you were getting

Oh, my God

So did you come up alone?

Uh, no, Uncle

Uncle Carter drove him.

You know what Mom, you don't need to speak for him every time somebody

My goodness!

Do those people have any idea how expensive those are?

This is what happens when you let your children pick the caterer.

Well, I suggested them because they're really good on Yelp and they

I know. You've said.

So, who else is here?

Uh, I think Penny got here a few minutes before us. And, oh Jack's here and he brought a date.

Oh my God, of course he did.

Sure did. Wait'll you see what that cat dragged in.

Bunk beds not gonna slow this elf from making toys for all the naughty girls and boys, no sir!

I don't know, thought she was a pretty nice girl.

Oh Holy night!

Oh it's Christmas time in the mountains

plowing a bitch I met a month ago.

Dear diary, best Christmas ever!

You men all think that type is nice. Slutty with a hot body and perky, gravity defying

Talking about me again, Aunt Carol?

Penny!

Hi!

Jesus, April, what, do you need a kidney?

No! I'm just happy to see you!

Why?

‘Cause. You're my sister.

How are you?

Oh. Great.

They just gave me a raise at work. I'm dating a Hemsworth and I've got a yeast infection that's making pee fire.

Now one of those things is true. Guess?

Hey-you must be Penny.

April's told me so much about you.

Why?

What?

Who are you?

Ha. I'm so sorry. I'm Ty. I'm April's boyfriend.

‘Course you are.

Hey my wiggers! How you living!?

Jackson hi I've missed you.

Wow, little sis, you are fit!

Have you been working out? Dayum!

Yeah I have. That and not drinking myself into a stupor.

Hold on there now peach pit. Where do you think you're going without giving your bro some sugar!?

Half-brother!

Oh, I may be your half brother, but you are all woman! Oh Love it!