Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee:

Coach Beiste is head over heels for a guy

named Cooter who's a football recruiter.

Rachel's running for class president against Kurt and Brittany

and a guy from the hockey team.

Vote Rick "The Stick"!

Burt's running for Congress against Sue

and Reggie "The Sauce," this guy who owns a pizza chain

and who's gonna air a commercial that'll out Santana.

Everyone's gonna know now, because of you!

She thought the whole thing was Finn's fault,

so she slapped him really hard

in front of God and everybody. Ouch.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

I'm sorry, but since a student had lit firecrackers

stuffed down his pants three years ago,

we've had a zero tolerance physical violence policy.

Is that why you suspended all the kids who have been

tossing slushees in our faces for the past two years?

Slushees are not on the school board's approved list

of suspend-worthy weapons.

Here's what you have to understand: I didn't do it.

We all saw what happened.

You slapped Finn in the face, unprovoked.

No. See, you don't get it.

When I get really pissed off, Santana gets taken over

by my other evil personality. I call her "Snixxx."

Her wrath of words is called "Snixxx juice."

I'm kind of like the Incredible Hulk.

You can't blame me for anything Snixxx does.

I'm suspending you and this Snixxx two weeks.

No argument.

Sectionals is next week. If you suspend me, I won't be

able to beat Grimace and Mr. Shue's butts.

Ms. Corcoran, I highly recommend you do something about this.

I'm sorry, Santana, Sectionals is important,

but you need to be punished for what you did.

I hate to say it, but I agree.

This is garbage.

Hamburglar Finn is fine.

She didn't slap me.

I know that it looked and sounded like she did,

but she actually didn't.

What is it called in a play

or a movie when you pretend to hit someone but you don't?

A stage slap?

It was a stage slap.

That's what it was.

- What is your angle here, Finn? - The truth.

If she didn't actually hit me,

then you can't suspend her, right?

No.

Then that's what happened.

I'm a mischievous bitch,

but I can't for the life of me figure out

what the hell this is about.

Well, I want Sectionals to be a fair fight.

And that can't happen without you on the Trouble Tones.

Well, actually, it would only be a fair fight

with me off the team.

And I also kind of feel bad for you.

Look, I know we've been at each other a lot

over these past couple of years,

but the truth is I think you're awesome.

And when you hide who you are,

I feel like you hide

part of that awesomeness with it.

And that's why you act out

because you hurt inside... every day.

That's sweet...

but if you think that, in exchange for keeping me

from getting suspended, I'm gonna come...

- ...back to the Glee Club? - Exactly.

You and all the Trouble Tones. I have an idea

for a lesson but it won't work out if you're not there.

Did Ms. Corcoran and Mr. Shue already agree to this?

Look, it's up to you.

Either you can come back to the choir room

and embrace your awesome or take a two-week vacation

and enjoy your seat in the audience for Sectionals.

I haven't been this worried about a vote

since Lambert versus Allen.

Kurt needs this election to get into NYADA.

More importantly, he's clearly the superior candidate.

I mean, come on.

If elected,

I will make sure to have sugary treats available at all times.

It helps the concentration.

That's what George Washington said.

I had to take a stand.

She's bribing the students with Pixy Stix.

Buying votes is illegal.

It's also delicious.

Nobody cares.

They're all so lost in their own worlds

that they can't see how important this is to me.

Elections have consequences,

and the consequence of Brittany winning this election is

that I'll have to move to New York without my best gay.

What if I need an emergency makeover

or a last-minute soufflé?

How's the concession speech going?

Can I print an early copy on my blog?

Who says I'm ready to concede?

I'm leading that hockey playing kid by ten percent.

But that's mostly because

he's in a medically induced coma after

being brutally checked in a game last week.

Also, you're trailing Brittany by 17 points.

If this was a horse race, you'd be glue.

And te glue that keeps this school together

when he gets elected president.

Oh, my God, it's Brittany. Madam President?

Don't worry about it, okay?

We still have the rest of the day to change the minds of the voters.

What's the point?

I'm gonna lose unless I pull a JFK.

: You're gonna shoot Brittany?

No, no... when Kennedy ran against Nixon in 1960,

he had all his Mob buddies in Chicago stuff the ballot boxes

so that he would win Illinois.

It won him the presidency.

Wait... No!

No, I can't let you do this, okay?

Come on. Can't we just do, like, a great duet in the cafeteria

or the library to just drum up some support?

I have Kennedy's impeccable hairline.

I know.

Why can't I have his ends- justify-the-means mentality?

If I lose, and my resume remains blank,

I'm not gonna get into NYADA.

And I can't accept that.

You're seriously considering cheating?

What choice do I have?

Can someone tell us what's going on, please?

This week, the Trouble Tones and New Directions!

will both be singing music created

- by ladies and for ladies. - Oh, hell no.

Next week, all of us will be going to Sectionals,

and one of us is probably gonna win.

But, Santana, we're worried about you.

Worry about yourself, fetus face.

Glee's about learning how to accept yourself for who you are,

no matter what other people think.

And that's what this music is all about.

So, wait, I don't even get a say in this? Not cool.

Everybody in this room knows about you and Brittany.

And we don't judge you for it.

We celebrate it because it's who you are.

Look, I know not everybody outside of this room

is as accepting and cool,

but we're doing this assignment this week so that you know

in this rotten, stinking mean world that you at least have

a group of people who will support your choice

to be whoever you want to be.

That's it.

That's what we're doing here.

Blaine? Kurt?

Santana, Kurt and I have a song

we like to sing to each other in the car.

And we want to sing that for you right now.

While there's nothing I'd love more than having

two Pretty Ponies serenade me, I think we'd get further

staging a "gel-ervention" for Blaine than singing lady music.

I know it's hard. It was hard for me, too.

But you can get through this.

If you could just stop being so defensive.

I'm trying, but your hideous bow ties are provoking me.

Wait, are we talking lady on lady or girl on girl?

'Cause there's a big difference.

Puck, focus, okay?

Kurt, Blaine, why don't you kick us off with what you got?

That's good! That's great! How about that?

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Finn, especially.

You know, with all the horrible crap I've been through in my life...

now I get to add that.

Dear Journal,

My campaign is in crisis.