Red Dwarf

RED DWARF - S11E03 - GIVE & TAKE In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.

Lift coming, Sir.

Come on, Come on!

Why are you always so slow?!

I've seen snails with clubbed feet travel faster than you.

The French Army after lunch move quicker!

Not long now, Sir.

I'm picking up several strange

energy signatures on B deck.

I need a lift pronto to check them out.

Just a drop-off on the living quarters

and I'll be with you in a flash, Sir.

Will you really?

Or will you really be a really long time?

A really long time, Sir.

So why not tell me that in the first place then?

I didn't want to lose your custom.

Who can you lose my custom to?

Our main rival, Sir-

the stairs.

They've been doing really well this year.

Where are you now?

I've completed the drop-off at the living quarter's deck, Sir

now I've just gotta trip up to the stasis booths.

But I pressed first!

Right. That's it. You are fired.

You can't fire a lift, Sir.

I just have.

How are you going to replace me?

With another lift from another shaft.

I'll get the scutters to transfer and install.

Let me tell you, my lad-do,

There are plenty of young, thrusting lifts around here

who would give their eye teeth to transport

someone of my stature up and down their shaft.

Tell all lifts we're interviewing for a new position in Shaft 14.

All applicants must be prepared to travel.

Only lifts need apply.

Come on.

Lights!

Lister, you've been in my bunk for two days now.

Are you still hung over?

Go away, Rimmer. Turn off the lights.

Look, we've come across a space station,

tech glitch in Sector Three,

there's an asteroid storm heading for it,

it will be toast in five hours!

Let's go!

Gimme a break, Rimmer.

I've been in bed for two days.

I need to freshen up.

All right.

Good to go! Come on!

What kind of space station is it, Krytes?

Any idea?

Well I don't recognize it, Sir,

but I must confess I did delete

some files off my hard drive this morning

to create more memory.

Really? Is that safe?

Oh, have no fear, Sir.

I only trashed information I consider frivolous and idiotic.

Without checking with me first?

And you are...?

Go into your trash, you mental moron,

and un-delete the Rimmer folder.

You must have dumped me in there by mistake.

That's highly unlikely, whoever you are,

but I'll check anyway.

Oh!

There's a folder in here

marked "Captain Bollocks".

Could that be you?

Captain Bollocks?

Is that what you call me behind my back?

To your face too, when you're snoozing!

Just dragging it out of the bin and reinstalling.

Oh, Sir!

I'm so sorry!

How could I possibly...

Yes! All right, moving on.

Calling you Captain Bollocks!

Especially behind your back,

and probably sniggering about it too -

how could you not take offense?!

Kryten, please. Let's move on.

Captain Bollocks! Really?!

It's disrespectful and downright offensive, Sir.

Just assure me I'm fully reinstalled.

Rest assured, Sir.

You now have pride of place in my "R" section.

Alongside "ringworm" and "rim shot", Sir.

Now remember, Sirs.

The asteroid storm will destroy the station

in five hours.

Look, let's split up into pairs.

It will make things a whole lot quicker.

As acting superior officer, I naturally get first choice.

Don't want you.

Don't want you.

Why is there no one good here?

You get more choice in an Amish barbers.

Kryten,

You're with me. Let's move, people.

If they ever decide to recognize service to toss pottery,

he'll be a Hall of Famer.

I wonder why it's called "Asclepius".

Ah. Presumably after the Greek god of medicine, Sir.

Well, there's that. Obviously.

Obviously that. Yes, obviously.

You think it's that obvious?

Skeleton!

Check it out.

My bet?

It's dead.

Why do skeletons never wear any clothes?

No wonder they all die.

Probably pneumonia.

All right, Male. Caucasian. Thirty one.

And according to this, he was a Colonel Club cardholder -

one chicken stamp away from a free Family Fun bucket.

Man that thing's accurate!

It's weird.

The DNA,

on this knife handle,

is identical,

to the DNA in the body.

Meaning this dude stabbed himself in the back?

Why would anyone do that?!

Hey.

Some notes here. Might give us a clue.

If memory serves, Sir, Asclepius was a medi-bot,

created in the late 23rd century,

programed to perform all the procedures,

both physical and mental on

all known living organisms -

the cutting-edge of droid technology.

Looks like something out of an old sci-fi movie.

It's got to be so much more advanced than me, Sir.

It's got four buttons.

Precisely!

Greetings. How can I be of service?

I am Standing Acting Senior

Commanding Officer Arnold J. Rimmer

of the J.M.C. mining ship Red Dwarf.

Perhaps you could..

Sir, you haven't introduced me.

I beg your pardon.

This is Kryten. He's a sanitation droid -

mainly toilets.

He can also unblock drains, and is an absolute whiz

when it comes to embarrassing stains.

Sir, I merely asked you to introduce me,

you didn't have to big me up.

Arnold J. Rimmer?

I do believe many years ago,

I had the honor of serving one of your old crew mates,

Flight Coordinator Ronald Littlewood.

Sir, our quake timings are way out.

We need to get back to Red Dwarf.

I wonder,

would you care to join us?

We have nothing in our science room

remotely as sophisticated as you.

Why, I would be honored, Kryten.

Follow me.

According to these notes,

the guy's name is Romero G. Gonzales,

and he was a stasis booth engineer.

Ah, Mrs. Robertson,

we're ready to start your procedure now.

And this, must be Mrs. Johnson -

the donor.

No need to be frightened.

There was a time I was

a teensy, tiny, teeny-weeny bit...

MAD!!!

But not any more.

Look.

There's my "all clear".

We gotta go.

We'll close the door behind us

as we pedal out!

I can see you're both quite...

nervous.

Perhaps you need a little something to help you

... relax.

Bazookoids!

There.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Where are they?

Tracking them, Sir.

Down here!

Sew, sew,

sew your boat,

gently as you dream,

Merrily, merrily,

merrily, merrily,

life is such a

scream...