Misbehaviour

Here we go, guys,

the man you've all been waiting for...

Mr Bob Hope!

Welcome, everybody, to Long Binh,

in what I like to call the United States of Vietnam.

I hear you guys have been petitioning the president to let me retire.

If you think you can shake me off that easily,

you need to talk to Raquel Welch.

- Come on, now. - Give it to her, Bob!

Uh-huh.

- S. Alexander? - Yes.

Right now, I want you all to sit back and relax.

It's time to introduce the most beautiful girl in the world.

Of course, that's not my opinion. That's her actual title.

From Vienna, Austria,

please welcome 1969 Miss World...

Eva Rueber-Staier.

- 34-24-36. - Wow. Yes!

There you go, boys.

This show just got a lot hotter.

Yeah!

Eva, honey, would you like to say hello to these fellas?

Hello.

The mature stu.

- Sally Alexander? - Yes.

So, history.

Why have we never had a revolution in Britain?

Eva Rueber-Staier.

Oh, boy!

Ooh! I'm telling you,

if the commies had someone like that to go home to,

we'd be out of here by now.

Oh, yeah!

The Civil War was won by the rebels, but, even then,

the new order only lasted a generation.

So surely the real question is,

why have all our revolutions failed?

It says here you left school at 15.

My school didn't really foster academic ambition.

It was more about preparing us for marriage and so forth, so...

Which is why I would like to get back into education.

I have just completed my diploma in history.

- At Ruskin College? - Yes.

Don't they require a trade union background?

I... I have a trade union background.

I was an Equity member.

So, you're an actress?

No, er...

After school, I had to do something.

And my mother thought that drama school

sounded better than secretarial college, so...

I was never any good.

I don't like people looking at me.

And after drama school?

I got married and had a baby.

What does your husband think about you

applying for university as a mature student?

We're divorced, so it doesn't really matter what he thinks.

You have a child, Miss Alexander.

Studying here is a big commitment.

Yes. Erm...

I managed my diploma whilst looking after my daughter.

I got a distinction.

And the man I live with shares the child care.

I would never be late for lectures or miss deadlines.

I would be mature.

I would be a mature... mature student.

Hurry.

Go, go, go! Come on!

Go, go, go!

I had to do that.

- Hello. - Sally.

- We're gonna need more chairs. - Oh, okay.

- Here's Mummy. - Hello!

- Mummy! - Hello!

[sigh.

It arrived this morning after you left.

Oh.

Ah!

University College London.

They're offering me a place. I got in!

- Course they bloody did! - Ohh!

I'm...

Oh, give me a cuddle! Give me a real cuddle!

"It's my great pleasure to offer you a place to study history..."

I can't believ. I can't believ, I can't believ.

This is a women's conference. Why are there men everywhere?

They don't look that happy about it, do they? Look at that face.

Oh, God!

Cheer up, mate.

We're not perm. We're only here for the weeken.

You can have a party hat.

Don't you worry, mate. We're not gonna leave you out.

Erm, excuse me.

Sorry. Do you?

Somebody's gonna have to clean that up when you're gone.

What, cos...

Cos God forbid we shoud offend the authorities?

Typical Oxford student. No stomach for a fight.

Actually, I'm not an Oxford student.

This is a place for people trying to get into university.

Oh, right. So you don't want to bring down the male establishment.

You just want t at the table.

If I'm in it, it won't be the male establishment any more, will it?

Ooh, there she is.

Let's sit down. Jo.

What does it mean to be a woman?

That our work will be underpaid

and our minds undervalued.

Last year, when we proposed a women's conference, men laughed,

and yet here we are, on the road to liberation.

It won't be easy.

We have to recognise the ways

in which we've all been conditioned,

trained to be pleasing rather than powerful,

told that our purpose is to enable men,

serve them, service them.

We have to find a language to describe injustices

we haven't even been able to name until now.

If the word "racism" describes one tyranny,

doesn't "sexism" describe another?

The belief that women are inferior to men.

We have to learn to look at the world with new eyes.

We have to ask ourselves, if there was no patriarchy,

how would I dress...

or work...

or think?

How would I have sex?

And who would I have sex with?

No on.

But if we need to change, so does the world.

Which is why today we are launching the Women's Liberation Movement.

We demand an end to discrimination!

Yes!

We demand equal pay for equal work,

and the childcare to enable that.

We want control over our own bodies,

contraception and abortion on demand.

Yes.

Up until now, working as individuals,

we've just been a ripple on the surface.

But together...

Together, I promise you, we will be a revolution.

Miss Bristol.

Miss Bristol is 34-22-36.

Lovely face, obviously. Good legs.

No defects... knock-knees, wonky teeth, that sort of thing.

They also have to be unmarried,

by which I also mean untouched.

And if they're not pretty much 36-24-36,

it goes without saying the curves won't be in the right places.

But we really do believe

that beauty isn't just skin deep.

The girls also get marks on charm and grace, deportment.

Swimsuits.

And who's your money on?

Well, Miss Totnes is definitely a corker.

Nice eyes.

And whatever she may be lacking in the boob front,

she more than makes up for in the derriere department.

And I wouldn't rule out Miss Nantwich either.

Lovely blonde hair and a very nice set of curves.

Very nice, Miss Nantwich.

And for the Miss World competition,

what about this year's special guest?

Who ht lined?

Who indeed, boys, eh? Who indeed?

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm round of applause

for our seven lovely finalists.

Who in-bloody-deed?

We have, in first place,

Miss Nantwich!

Golf?

Oh, I just have a little work to do.

Hiring.

Again?

And you must be Joan.

- Wow. - Bob.

Joan Billings.

- And right this way. - Thank you.

- How old are you, honey? - Eighteen.

Eighteen? Pretty as springtime.

Good morning, Mr Hope.

Welcome to the Fort Knx of laughter.

Wow.

Got a whole warehouse full of this stuff.

Fifty years of memorabilia just waiting for the Bob Hope Museum.

Just gotta get around to building that museum.

We got all my gags, 538,000 of them.

Every cabinet is fireproof and earthquake-proof.

Isn't it somet?

Wow, Mr Hope. Wow.

Academy Awards, Advertising, Agriculture, Airplanes.

We got every subject under the sun, A to Z.

Little group of writers down there toiling 24/7 like worker bees,

just bzzz, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz.

Magicians, Malibu, Marriage. Massage.

- Bob Hope's office. - Go ahead, pick one out.

Sir, it's Mecca calling again.

The Miss World people.