Friends

[ALL WHISTLING THEME FROM THE BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAl]

Rach, we're running low on résumés over here.

Do you really want a job with Popular Mechanics?

Well, if you're gonna work for mechanics, those are the ones to work for.

Hey, look, you guys. I'm going for anything here, okay?

I can't be a waitress anymore. I mean it.

I'm sick of the lousy tips. I'm sick of being called "Excuse Me."

Rach, did you proofread these?

Uh, yeah. Why?

Uh, nothing. I'm sure they'll be impressed with your excellent "compuper" skills.

Oh, my God!

Oh, do you think it's on all of them?

Oh, no, I'm sure the Xerox machine caught a few.

- Hey, guys. Hey.

Hey. Hi, ladies.

Uh, can I get you anything?

- Did you bring the mail? - Lots of responses.

Really? Sure we have scones left.

Okay, read them to me.

"Dear Miss Green: Thank you for your inquiry. However..."

- We have apple cinnamon... - Okay, "Dear Miss Green"...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No.

- Wow. - What?

Your Visa bill is huge.

Give me that.

You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great.

- Why won't you go out with her again? - I don't know.

Is this still about her whole...

..."The Flintstones could have really happened" thing?

It's not just that.

It's just, I want someone who does something for me...

...you know, who gets my heart pounding...

...who makes me, uh...

Little play things with yarn?

What?

Could you want her more?

Who?

Who? Dee, the sarcastic sister from What's Happening!!

Who?

Look, I am totally, totally over her, okay?

- I just... Hi. - Hi. Coffee?

- No, we're fine. - Okay.

Shut up.

We're not saying anything.

- What? - Uh, Joey cried last night.

Thank you.

We were playing poker, right?

There was chocolate on the three. It looked like an eight, all right?

Oh, God, you should've seen him. "Read them and weep."

And then he did.

Well, now, how come you guys have never played poker with us?

Yeah, what is that? Like some kind of guy thing?

Like some kind of sexist guy thing?

Like, it's poker, so only guys can play?

No. Women are welcome to play.

Oh, okay, so then what is it?

Some kind of, you know, like, some kind of, you know, like...

All right, what is it?

There just don't happen to be any women in our game.

Yeah, we just don't happen to know any women that know how to play poker.

Oh, please. That is such a lame excuse. I mean, it's a typical guy response.

Excuse me, do any of you know how to play?

No.

But you could teach us.

No.

Okay, so now we draw cards.

So I wouldn't need any, right? Because I have a straight.

- Oh, good for you. - Congratulations.

Okay, Pheebs, how many do you want?

Okay, I just need two. The 10 of spades and the six of clubs.

No, uh, Pheebs, you can't do that.

I have the 10 of spades. Here, you want it?

Thanks.

Uh, no, see, uh, you can't do that.

No, no. That's okay. I don't need them. I'm going for fours.

Oh, you're...

All right, here we go.

We've got salmon roulettes and assorted crudités.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Monica, what are you doing?

This is a poker game. You can't serve food with more than one syllable.

It's got to be like chips or dip or pretz...

Okay, so at this point, the dealer...

You know what? We got it. We got it. Let's play for real. High stakes. Big bucks.

All right, now, you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks...

...because they didn't look happy.

But I'm ready. So just deal.

Okay, all right, last minute lesson. Last minute lesson. Joey.

Three...

...eight.

Eight, three. All right. Here we go.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I see. So then, um, you were lying.

- About what? - About how good your cards were.

Heh. I was bluffing.

Aha. And what is "bluffing"?

Is it not another word for lying?

Okay, sorry to break up this party...

...but I've got résumés to fax before work tomorrow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Rach, we've got to settle.

Settle what?

The Jamestown colony of Virginia.

You see, King George is giving us the land, so...

The game, Rachel. The game. You owe us money for the game.

Oh, right.

You know what, guys? It's their first time. Why don't we forget about the money?

Hell, no. We'll pay.

Okay, Monica, I had another answer all ready.

And you know what?

- We want a rematch. - Well, that's fine with me.

Could use the money.

So, basically, you get your ya-yas by taking money from all of your friends.

- Yeah. - Yes, and I get my ya-yas from lkea.

You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Look, Rachel, this is poker. I play to win, all right?

In order for me to win, other people have to lose.

So if you're gonna play poker with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy.

Okay, because once those cards are dealt...

Yeah?

I'm not a nice guy.

All right, boys. Let's eat.

Ah, did you get that from the "I Love Rachel" pizzeria?

- You still on that? - Come on.

What was with that whole Black Bart speech?

"When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy".

You're way off, pal.

No, I don't think so. See, Ross, because I think you love her.

Uh, no.

See, I might have had feelings for her at one time. Not anymore.

I just... Marcel.

Where are you going with that disk? You are not putting that on again.

Marcel... Okay. If you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.

[THE TOKENS' "LION SLEEPS TONIGHT" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

You believe what a jerk Ross was being?

Yeah, I know. He can get really competitive.

What?

Oh. "Hello, Kettle, this is Monica. You're black."

Please.

I am not as bad as Ross.

Oh, I beg to differ. The Pictionary incident?

That was not an incident.

I was gesturing and the plate slipped out of my hand.

Oh.

- Oh! I got an interview. I got an interview. - You're kidding. Where? Where?

- Saks Fifth Avenue. - Oh, Rachel.

Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.

- Well, what's the job? - Assistant buyer.

Oh! I would be shopping...

...for a living.

Okay, look. That's Aunt Iris.

This woman has been playing poker since she was 5.

You've gotta listen to every word she says.

- Hi. - Is Tony Randall dead?

- Oh, why? - I don't think so.

Well, he may be now because I think I hit him with my car.

- My God. Really? - No, that's bluffing. Lesson number one.

Let me tell you something.

Everything you hear at a poker game is pure crap.

- Nice earrings. - Thank you.

Girls, sit down.

- Um, Aunt Iris, this is Phoebe, and Rachel... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I am parked at a meter. Let's do it.

[THE TOKENS' "LION SLEEPS TONIGHT" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

Ross, could we please, please, listen to anything else?

All right.

I'm gonna pay for that tonight.

- Hi. - Hey.

Guess what, guess what, guess what.

Uh, okay. The fifth dentist caved, and now they're all recommending Trident?

No, the interview.

She loved me. She absolutely loved me.

We talked for, like, two and a half hours. We have the same taste in clothes.

Oh, I went to camp with her cousin.

And, oh, the job is perfect. I can do this. I can do this well.

That's great.

God. And she told the funniest story.

Okay, great, you'll tell us and we'll laugh.

Let's play poker.

All right, listen, we talked about it...

...and if you don't want to play, we completely understand.

Yes, yes. We can play some other game. Like, I don't know...