Black Jesus

Retro J's? Baby, you didn't.

- I did! - Oh, my God!

Look, man, you sure you can't just get them fixed?

Damn, I don't even know what the hell to do.

That's the last gift that you get from me.

- Some J's! - Lying asshole.

Son of a bitch!

What's wrong with you, girl? Why don't you take a picture?

- It'll last longer. - Hey!

Let me talk to you for a minute!

A new problem has arisen in the garden... sabotage.

Bleach.

I bet you it was the goddamn farmers.

How you know Vic didn't pay Lloyd to come in

here and sabotage the garden with his punk ass?

'Cause he's still mad at you for dumping him.

I'm sorry. It's not gonna work.

We know you're breaking in, killing plants.

I was in line all night long.

Don't shoot!

- Boonie! I got him! - It was Vic the whole time.

I think that nigga pooped his pants.

- Aah! - Shady motherf...

Can't forget them armpits. One more.

Hey, Vic!

How you doin', brother?

Hey! Hey! Easy, Vic. Man...

Oh, we did it hard last night, didn't we?

That's all right. Lloyd's got you covered.

Come on back up here. There you go, there you go.

Sit down, man. Okay, brother, this is what you got to do.

Yeah, there you go.

Take that. Now that gonna help you.

Go ahead, man. There you go.

Mm-hmm. Hey, don't spit that out!

That's good liquor. Come on now. Come on.

One more drink. Now come on.

There you go. That's nice. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Now remember... the way to avoid

a hangover is to keep drinking. Oh, yeah, you're looking good.

All right, time for me to start my day.

Yeah, I'm a busy man. I got things to do.

All right. Hey, Vic, you mind if I borrow the Cutlass?

There we go. I think I'll borrow some gas money.

And a burrito from the gas station.

They're always good.

All right, Vic, I'm proud of you.

- We gonna get through this. - Thank you, Lloyd.

Thank you. You're a wonderful man.

- Hey, yo, Lloyd? - What?

- Where the hell is Vic? - Vic got the flu.

That nigga ain't got the flu!

He drunk 'cause Ms. Tudi dumped his ass.

Well, get over it, nigga! And fix the Internet!

Shh! What is wrong with you?

I just told you Vic got the flu, and he hired me to help out around here.

I'm the new assistant manager.

- Assistant manager? - That's right... assistant manager.

Assistant, a-s-s-f-u.

And I run a tight ship. There's gonna be some changes made around here.

Oh, I already noticed the changes.

The Internet's been down for two damn days!

The Internet has not

been down for two days. I checked it myself this morning.

You probably got a raggedy-ass computer.

Yo, tell Vic he can't

just let this place go to hell, man.

This is our home. Nigga's gotta live here.

Everybody got to have a place to live.

I'm homeless by choice. Homeless.

I take the savings from rent and utilities and I pass it along to me.

Nigga, you mean pass it on to the liquor store?

Tell Vic to get his shit together, man.

And I'm serious!

And, nigga, if you want

to manage something, manage that drinking problem.

And that halitosis. Start with those two things.

Kiss my ass.

Serve the ball, Boonie.

Ha ha!

Ooh! Game! Y'all suck!

- Come on, Boonie. - Hey, man, no fair!

Jesus, you got the long lanky broad on your team, man.

That's what 30 minutes of cardio will do for you.

Three times a week, bredren!

- Only three times! - What's good, family?

- Hey! - Hey, it's the light-skinned man.

Damn. Volleyball?

Y'all kickin' it and shit? I thought Vic would have been shut this down.

Oh, hell, no, that dude is seriously up.

Yeah, man, we been trying to play the game.

Hopefully, we lure him out and see if he cool.

Well, well, well... If it ain't the con man,

- convict, fat-ass, the ditz... - Hey!

Revenge of the nerds... And...

Normal forgettable-ass nigga.

Hey, Vic, you ain't got to front, man. We all know you hurting, bruh.

But I want you to know that we really love you, brother.

Nigga, fix the Internet!

Or what, nigga? Huh?

Pass me the Wilson. Gonna have some fun.

What are you gonna do with Wilson?

- Come on, Vic. - Yeah, that felt good.

See, 'cause I feel like stabbing a nigga.

I just feel like cutting and stabbing.

Who want first? You want some, fat boy?

Aah!

You need a hand, Vic?

Jam some electrolytes in the Vic-machine.

Take this coconut, here. Drink the nut juice.

- Here, man, here. Just drink... - Vic you okay?

What you doing to him? I told you to wait upstairs until I got back.

- You're gonna catch pneumonia. - Save me, Lloyd.

- Come on up here. - The devil's got me!

- Back up! I got this. - No, it don't

look like it to me, Lloyd. Look like you making it worse.

What? You making it worse, Jesus.

No wonder nobody believe in you anymore.

You don't give the people what they really deserve, what they need.

He needs Darby.

Looky there. Get a little taste.

Keep the wolf off your back. Come on, now.

That's too much, brother.

Come on. Come on. Let's go, buddy.

Y'all got the nerve to pick on a sick man like this.

And look at this place! It better be cleaned up when we get back.

Hey, what about the Internet, Vic?!

Yo, I ain't never seen Vic like this.

Hey, but look at the bright side, man...

he keep this shit up, he gonna lose his job.

Then we ain't got to ever worry about him again.

Or the exact opposite of what you're talking about.

Je, come on, man.

This nigga's sole purpose in life is to with us.

- Here, man. - Where you going?

To save Vic, man.

Oh, yeah!

Hey!

- Whee! All right! - Hey, man!

- Ugh! - Come on, Vic.

Come on up here. Oh, yeah.

Have a seat there. There you go.

All right. How y'all doin?!

Hey!

Good to see you, Lloyd. Been a while, man.

We figured you'd given up the life.

Me? No! I love the life.

- Vic, welcome to freedom. - Who's the newb?

This is Vic, my friend and employer.

The rat race got him down, so I figured he need to come out here

and get a little R&R.

You know it's all good. We gonna take good care of him.

No, he needs some time alone. And that's why... you know what I'm doing?

I'm inviting everybody to Vic's apartment for a celebration.

All right. It's all good.

- Yeah! - Now, Vic, a few hours

of fresh air and you'll feel like a million bucks.

And don't forget... you got to keep drinking.

- That's the key... keep drinking. - Thank you, Lloyd.

All right. All right, everybody! Come on!

- Get in the car. - All right.

Don't be shy. Party! Party!

Yes.

Mnh-mnh.

You can't put all that on me, Jesus.

And, anyway, I did the right thing... I came clean, and I let him down easy.

I know, Ms. Tudi, but the dude's still hurtin'.

And it was your fault. I told you not to give him the

sacred tomatoes without telling him.

Well, look everybody ain't divine and

perfect like you, all right? I made a mistake.

But is it my fault that he's a drunk?

Just come down there and talk to him with me.

I mean, right now, you probably the only person that can get

through to the dude.

What's happening, everybody? You know, what's going on?

Hey, Stan, Jerome, what's happening?

What y'all been up to? Hey, man, you better get that

gout checked out or you gonna die on Wednesday, man.

- Where Lloyd at? - There he is.

What the hell y'all doin' here?

This is a private party. Your name is are not on the guest list, so scoot.

Man, where Vic at, man?

Leave Vic alone.

Vic is mine. We got a good thing going, and I

don't want you two to mess it up.

Hey, you only taking advantage of that dude, man.

No, I'm not.

I'm his friend. Probably his only friend.

Okay, this mother crazy.