Toast of Tinseltown

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Any second now. You a JFK fan, Steven?

You have any strong opinions about his assassination? No.

Though I do know, due to the actions of one skinny loser,

I'm here yet again voicing another bullshit conspiracy theory.

Well, according to this Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.

I couldn't give two fucks.

How many words is this?

Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

How many words, Clem Fandango?

About 100,000 words.

Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.

He's very angry today. Yeah.

What's with this laptop?

He's not going to join us, is he? Is he?

Sorry to interrupt, Steven, Sola Mirrornek is about

to join us from Dallas. Why?

Just wants to keep an eye on things.

He's going to appear on the laptop in front of you.

He should be there now. Yes.

Steven Toast, meet Sola. Yeah, hello.

What? Hello, Sola, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

Brilliant. Let's start.

In your own time, Steven.

The...

All right, hold it, hold it.

I just need to stop you there. No problem. What is it, Sola?

Did he say "duh"?

No, he didn't. He said "the".

Huh. Sounded to me like duh.

I don't know, maybe it's his English accent.

And can I also say, just for the record, the idea of an English actor

reading this came from my publisher, not from me.

I need to make that totally clear, I hated the idea.

OK, still rolling.

The idea... You know what?

Now that I hear it, I'm not so sure.

I never really liked that first sentence, I might do a...

I might do a quick rewrite.

This is bullshit.

I lost my train of thought.

Forget it, forget it.

It's probably OK as it is, keep going.

Action.

The idea that John F Kennedy...

Alarm bells.

There's a touch of cynicism in his voice. You guys hear that too?

Cynicism? And another thing,

I heard what you said about Oswald being a lone assassin.

Only an asshole would believe that!

So, if you don't mind, I'd rather you kept your personal prejudices

to yourself, you got that?

OK, Steven, you want to make a note of that?

Yeah, I'll make a note of that.

The idea that John F Kennedy was killed by a single assassin

is not only an impossibility, it's also bullshit.

Wait a second, wait a second -

are you serious, is this guy a real actor?

There, there.

I should hate him.

But actually, I miss him terribly!

Have another tissue, Sue.

Won't you run out?

I always have lots of tissues for distressed clients.

What's the matter with her?

Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins, she's just joined the agency.

Why is she weeping? Her husband left her.

What, today? Six weeks ago.

Six weeks ago? Are you fucking kidding? Is that it?

You could have got remarried in that time.

To be honest, I'm not surprised your husband left you

with all this blubbering.

Shut up, Toast.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!

Sorry, Sue.

Really, Toast!

Why are you so angry all the time?

What do you want, Jane?

I have tremendous news.

I finally heard back from the Sam Mendes people. Who?

Sam Mendes, famous film director.

And?

I'm afraid you didn't get the part of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.

That audition was 15 years ago, Jane.

But I've had another enquiry about you -

more reality TV, could be a money-spinner.

Never again. Why not?

Shit.

Broken neck.

Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.

Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.

What kind of dancing show would it be without any dancing on it?

I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not sure why it's called Come Dancing.

Hopefully it's nothing to do with the Strictly curse, what?

May I remind you, Toast,

that the cash you earned from Strictly prevented you

from gripping the oak and spending two years at Her Majesty's,

and what thanks do I get?

Do you know what you are, Toast?

You're a BLEEP.

Jane!

No other word for it, I'm afraid.

Yes?

Great!

Brilliant news!

I didn't want to say anything until it'd been confirmed,

and now it has been. What has?

Do you remember a man telling you

to keep your voice down in Tesco's last week?

Yes, some soppy Yank carrying a small dog.

That soppy yank, as you call him, was Neil Doubledecker,

who happens to be a top Hollywood producer. Who cares?

All these British actors obsessed with working in America.

If you're in a shit show, it doesn't matter where you film it,

you may as well be in your own bed.

Neil Doubledecker is interested in you for a role in his new movie.

Oh, right. So when can I meet this Doubledecker?

"DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're absolutely brilliant.

I showed him your showreel, he was literally bowled over. Fantastic.

He thinks you're the best actor he's ever seen anywhere,

and that if you were to appear in one of his films,

you could almost certainly win a Critics' Choice Award.

Well, that sounds great. It does, doesn't it?

It's utterly marvellous! Your big break at last, Toast.

At last! Yeah!

There is, however, one small obstacle in the way,

there's another actor who Doubledecker thinks is

equally as good as you.

In fact, he thinks this actor may be slightly better. Ugh, no.

He has to choose between you and...

Who?!

Ray bloody Purchase?!

Never mind. Let's assume you'll get the gig.

This could actually be an opportune time for you

to depart to the US of A.

Talking of Americans,

how did you get on with that author, Sola Mirrornek?

I'll tell you how I got on with him,

that bastard had the audacity to ask whether I was a professional actor.

Well, are you? What?!

Look, Toast, it's between you and Purchase.

You'd better make sure you do a brilliant audition.

Audition?!

He is terribly, terribly angry, all the time.

Yes, Jane, he really is terribly angry.

Maybe we should organise some kind of intervention?

I'm actually thinking I may send him to a doctor.

Yes, India? Toast's on his way up. Ugh.

He's here, Ed. Better hang up.

Ah, Toast.

Look, Toast, I'll come straight to the point - do you think,

both as an actor and a human being, you've turned into an angry

and unreasonable piece of shit?

That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?

Your language really has become increasingly fruity.

I'm no more angry than I've ever been.

Several people have mentioned it.

Like who? Idris Elba.

Who?

Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.

And there's an article about it in The Stage.

Luckily, it's The Stage and only actors read that,

in the way that only gardeners read The Garden.

The Guardian.

No, The Garden, gardening magazine.

Look, Toast, I've been thinking,

I really think you need to see a doctor.

I don't trust doctors.

Last time I had a bad back, he told me to join a choir. He what?

The doctor told me I should go to choir practicer.

Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?

A what?! Something to do with backs.

Look, Toast, I'm going to book you the appointment.

I just need to get you through this audition tomorrow.

Be very calm, very polite. Yes.

You keep that famous Toast anger under control, alrighty?

Yes?

Thanks for letting me know.

What's the matter with you, Jane?

You've got a face like a slapped arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.

The producer's just offered the role to Ray Purchase. What?!

Apparently Ray went in there, did his best Cary Grant,

charmed them all, got offered the job on the spot.

Perhaps Doubledecker knows about your temper?

Hello, George. Francis, how's life?

Ugh, you're kidding.

Just the usual, please.

Hold back on the water, I know what you're like.

Oh.

Sorry, Toast, I didn't notice you there.

I was just about to phone you, as it happens.

Bad luck, losing out on that career-changing Hollywood movie gig.

The word is you lost out

because they heard you have a bit of an anger issue.

Anyway.

No hard feelings.

And don't worry about that 50 you owe me,

whenever you've got it, it's fine.

In fact, look, here's another 50.