Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous

Hart, can you get me Miss Arizona's number?

Why would l do that, Clonsky? - Because she needs a man in her life.

Yeah? Where do you fit in?

- Nice. Nice talk. Not too congenial, Hart. Yeah.

It says right here you're supposed to be real amiable.

That's three weeks ago. l've been amiable since then...

...and now l just wanna hit somebody.

McDONALD: This could be your chance, Hart.

Let's go over this one more time. The Housewives...

...they knocked off nine banks in a month and wounded two guards.

We got a tip this bank is their next target. Stay frosty. Keep your heads up.

You know you can't wear a swimsuit on this mission, right?

That's good. - Ow!

- Whoa. What happened to world peace? - It comes and goes.

McDONALD : Control to Big Mama.

Check your baby.

Hey, honey.

Control, this is Big Mama. Confirm.

McDONALD: Confirm, Big Mama. Proceed.

- Big Daddy and Big Mama are inside. - Copy that.

l hope we wrap this early. l have Yankee tickets tonight.

What are you up to?

Just basic paperwork, and then l got company coming over for dinner...

...so l just need to do a little... A little defrosting.

Oh, your boyfriend Eric's coming over?

He's not my boyfriend. Just...

We're just friends, you know? Friends and coworkers. Friendly coworkers.

Hey, you ever been to the Poconos?

Where is that? What is that, New York? Pennsylvania?

You think it'd be hard to get a reservation there?

What, for you and your coworker?

- That's so sweet, two agents in love. - Yeah.

So l guess this is a good time to tell you that this is not your baby.

Housewives, front door. Housewives.

Aw. How old?

- Thirty-five. - No, the baby. Can l take a peek?

No, get lost, lady. We haven't changed his diaper in a week.

You're that Miss Congeniality lady.

No, l'm not. l'm not. l'm not. l'm not.

l saw you on TV on the Miss United States pageant.

No, ma'am. Ma'am, you did not.

- You're Gracie Hart! - Ma'am, no. Ma'am, please...

- Gracie Hart? - Gracie Hart?

Gracie Hart! - No, l'm not! l'm not! l'm not!

- She's FBI! - l'm not!

- It's a setup! - Okay, nobody move! Nobody move!

Nobody's moving. Ma'am, please be...

Please be quiet! Get down! Nobody's moving.

- Get down, please! Please, get down! - Down, l said. Down!

Nobody's moving. It's okay. Ma'am, get down! Get down!

We've got a hostage situation. We need backup. Now!

- We gotta move, ladies! - Okay. Okay, it's okay.

Get your hand out of the purse, Hart.

You too, hubby, get your hands up where l can see them.

Tell me where every other agent is in this bank.

Now.

Now!

There's one in the baby carriage.

- Freeze, FBI! FBI, freeze!

Put the gun down! Put the guns down!

- Take her. Take... - Got her.

Clonsky, where are you hit? Where are you hit?

In the vest. l'm... - Where?

l'm all right. l'm all right.

- Oh, my God. - It hurt like a mother.

l know.

But l got something that's gonna make you feel a lot better.

Here we go, 602-555-0199.

What's that?

Miss Arizona's number.

- You couldn't tell me earlier? - No.

What do we got? l'm okay.

Excuse me.

Would you mind?

[TINA TURNER'S "PROUD MARY" PLAYING ON STEREO]

McDONALD: Hart! Hart!

- Sorry, sir. - Let's not make a bad day worse.

Sir...

...about the bank, l don't know what happened.

It was like my high school reunion, except these people liked me.

l think we can all agree it didn't go according to plan.

Yes, sir.

- But l wanna talk about something else. - Yes, sir.

This is some fan mail we've gotten for you since the pageant.

Letters, cards, chocolates.

l'll, uh, take the chocolates.

"Dear Miss Hart, l saw you on the pageant.

The next night l was coming out of a party...

...when this horrible guy grabbed me in the parking lot.

So l did your SING self-defense, and he totally backed off.

l've gone through tough times lately, and you have no idea what it means...

...to feel like you can stand up for yourself again.

l just wanted to say thank you and you look beautiful in your e..."

- Evening gown? - Evening gown.

- She liked it? - Lori, Newark.

Sir, you're reading my mail. That's a class-B misdemeanor.

Hart, l've been getting five calls a day for you to be on talk shows.

The Bureau's had some bad publicity lately...

...and the director thinks you could be the new face of the FBI.

Sir, l'm just a field agent.

Most field agents don't have the president call them to congratulate them.

l can't believe l hung up on him. l thought it was Clonsky.

This is important, Hart. Go home, have a nice dinner...

...and think about it.

Well...

...I could use a nice dinner, sir.

l'll think about it.

Hart.

Well, hello, Agent Matthews.

No, l'm just putting the finishing touches on your chicken potpie. Yeah.

l think l'm gonna make some man very, very happy someday.

Listen, l wanna ask you something.

Do you know if the Poconos are in New York or Pennsylvania?

Because l cannot seem to get a clear answer on this.

Because l was thinking that maybe this weekend...

...we could take a little drive down there, do a little exploring, do...

Why, aren't...?

Why do you wanna talk tomorrow? Aren't you gonna be here in 10 minutes?

Oh, well, l thought we were moving at kind of a normal speed. l...

Well, l don't need any more space. l mean...

You know, it's not like l expect us to get married or anything, but l...

Well, what is it? l mean, is it...?

ls it the way l snort? l mean, because l don't have to snort.

Or is it the...? ls it the sex? Because...

You know, l could... l could get a manual or something.

Oh.

Well, no.

No, you don't have to explain.

No. No, you know what? You know what? l have to... l have to go.

Don't worry about dinner. I, um...

Mrs. Flammenbaum next door invited me to a surprise...

...keg party. You know what? l have to go.

Okay.

Bye.

- This is where the health plan kicks in. You ain't kidding. Ooh!

- Morning, sir. McDONALD: Hey.

l'd really like to talk to you for a minute, if l could.

Hart, have you been crying?

No. No. l don't cry. l don't even have tear ducts.

Ah!

Sam Fuller. Transferred in from Chicago last week...

...because of anger-management problems.

Really? She seems like such a people person. Um...

l've given this a lot of thought...

...and given that going out on ops has become problematic in light of...

...the bank thing... - Mmm.

Well, l have decided to become the new face of the FBI.

l really wanna be there and support the Bureau...

...and be a positive role model for women. l feel like this is a great ti...

Oh, yeah. No way you could've seen me standing there.

Sorry. - You were saying?

Hey! Yo!

- How about a real "sorry," huh? - Come again?

- You heard me. - This is gonna be great.

l said, how about a real "sorry"?

You are about to feel some real pain if you don't back off.

Hey, you know what? Don't talk to me about pain, sister. l invented pain.

- No, you didn't just call me sister. - That's not...

l don't recall seeing a little, skinny-ass white girl at the table growing up.

Hey! First of all, thank you for calling me skinny.

- That was nice. - Second of all, what is your problem?

And third of all, you better apologize to me or...

- Make me! - I don't make trash. Come on!

Ow!

- Come on. - Knock it off, Fuller. Take a shower.

That's right, take a shower. Walk away.

- You lucky you still can walk! - You want more?

McDONALD: Take a shower. Come here.

McDONALD: Go on.

That's right, go on. Keep walking. Mm-hm.

Hart.

You were saying?

Um...

Oh. A positive role model for women, sir.

McDONALD: Talk to someone before we schedule any appearances.

Someone who?

Someone who can help with presentation issues.

Clothing, makeup, so forth. He comes highly recommended.

l just went through a makeover for the pageant.

l'm still getting hairspray off my butt.

What? lt prevents the bathing suit from riding up. Thank you.

Sir, l just don't wanna become FBI Barbie again.

What's your option?

You can't go in the field without putting yourself and agents in jeopardy.

- That part of your life is over. - Sir, it can't be.

That's all that l know how to do. That's all that l have.

You gotta make a choice. Sit at a desk pushing papers...

...or be out there boosting the Bureau's image?

Look, when you make up your mind, let me know.

Rachel, did those transfer papers for Matthews come through?

On your desk, sir.

Sir, is Agent Matthews going someplace?

McDONALD: Miami.

He's gonna be assistant SAC. Going to the top, that boy.

Sir.

Sorry. Um...

You know, l'll meet whoever you want me to meet.

McDONALD: Good.

Oh, l hope she's not a fatty.

McDONALD: Joel Myers, Gracie Hart.