The Nanny

I don't know why I applied to Princeton.

I'll never get in with my SAT scores.

Honey; If you want to get in, forget your SAT scores,

just attach your father's TOW.

Fran; I have to go to an out-of-town college.

If I stay in this house, I'm not gonna have any social life.

Oh,

it's the house?

You know, it's amazing. You win three Tony's

and suddenly everyone's returning your phone calls.

Miss Fine; You'll never guess

who's agreed to star in my new show.

Ah, don't tell me it's the woman that was snubbed

by the Academy for Best Director

for the Best Motion Picture ever made, Yentl.

Miss Fine, let me ask you something.

If Barbara Streisand and your mother

were both drowning, who would you save?

Well, I'd save my mother.

Barbara can walk on water.

I give up. Well, I got Morgan Faulkner.

Oh, my God, -Mmm.

-I love Morgan Faulkner. -Mmm.

Morgan Faulkner? Fah!

I went to high school with her

when she was Marcy Feldman.

Well, she happens to be a great actress.

And one hell of a magician.

She made half her nose disappear between 10th and 11th grade.

Now you behave yourself, she'll be here in a few minutes.

Oh, well, I'm going upstairs.

I can't stand to be around people

who are ashamed of who they are.

Oh, don't you even want to see her?

And have her find out I'm a nanny?

Have you gone mental?

We were the most popular girls in high school

and very competitive.

What happened between you?

Well, I'm a maid and she's on the cover of Elle,

I'd say we have a winner.

Sylvia has invited us over for the Jewish holiday.

Uh, now is this the holiday Miss Fine said

you can't eat all day then stuff yourself

or the one where you light candles then stuff yourself

or the one where you build a straw hut then stuff yourself?

I believe it's the one where you hide crackers

from small children then stuff yourself.

-Ah, Passover. -Mm-hmm.

You know, Maxwell; I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth...

Then don't floss in the mirror.

Why is Nanny Fine hiding from Morgan Faulkner?

Uh, they were at high school together

and Miss Fine's a little embarrassed about being a nanny.

Ah. What about you?

Aren't you embarrassed about being a butler?

I don't know Morgan Faulkner.

No I mean in general.

Morgan, do come in.

Oh, I am so thrilled to be working with you.

Wait two weeks and see if you say that.

I'm his partner, C.C. Babcock.

It's a pleasure.

Wait five minutes and see if you say that.

Oh.

Miss Faulkner, I am such a big fan.

I got your autograph at the Whisky Bar?

-The Whisky Bar? -I'm sorry I don't remember.

Oh, why would you? I was never there.

-Your daughter's very beautiful. -Mm.

Is there a Mrs. Sheffield?

Are my ears burning?

Morgan.

It's Fran.

Fran Fine.

From Hillcrest High.

It's fine. Morgan meets so many people.

Well why doesn't she recognize me?

She's the one that got everything changed.

Oh, that Fran Fine.

Don't tell me you're Mrs. Sheffield.

Well let's just say we don't need to sign a piece of paper

but the kids adore me, I live here, you fill in the blanks.

So you're the Nanny.

And the blanks are filled.

Ma, how come you're cooking for 12

when Passover's a week away?

What Passover?

I did 5 minutes of a Jane Fonda tape.

I feel lightheaded.

Ma;

Do you ever question the choices that you make in life?

Sometimes I'm sitting across the table from your father.

-Yeah? -And I look at his face.

-Yeah. -And I wonder,

is he gonna finish that lamb chop?

I'm wondering what Jane Fonda tape

you were exercising to. Klute?

Ma; Put the fork down for 2 seconds.

I'm very upset about something.

Mr. Sheffield hired Morgan Faulkner

to star in his new play.

Darling, what's bothering you?

That she's a big star and you're a maid?

Mamalah,

don't look into other people's windows.

You never know what someone's life is truly like.

You see the woman across the alley?

Hmm?

For years, I envied her fancy apartment.

And then one day I realized,

she was born blind.

Well, what makes you think that?

Her bedroom window looks directly into ours

and she has never even looked.

Ma; She wasn't born blind;

She made herself that way.

Mmm,

What's cooking?

Oh, I've been experimenting with recipes for your mothers Seder.

I've made kreplach, kneidlach,

tzimmes, and gribenes.

Yummy.

Boy, Niles;

You're really taking this seriously, aren't you?

Oy, I've been eating like a chazir.

My pants I can't zip and when are you getting married already?

You know it takes a lot more to being Jewish than just cooking,

there's a whole other wiener you got to schnitzel, mister.

Mmm.

Where's Mr. Sheffield?

He's with Miss Fancy Schmancy movie star big shot.

You know, this is getting scary.

Quick, eat a piece of ham, play a sport.

You're far more sanguine about Miss Faulkner

than you were yesterday.

Well, first of all, welcome back.

Second of all, I'm trying.

You know, I don't like to look through windows.

Right. Alright, thank you.

Just wait till you see this marquee,

Morgan, it just went up.

My name better be above the title.

Of course it is.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Excuse me.

Hi, Morgan, I didn't know you were here.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need to clean in here?

For your information, I don't clean.

I'm not even a real nanny.

I'm in the witness protection program.

Oh, come on, Fran, you don't need to pretend.

It's just me.

Two time Academy Award winning Morgan Faulkner.

Did I mention I just did a pilot?

Really? What airline?

No, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't look through windows, you know.

Your life seems very glamorous

but I'm sure you live like a gypsy.

You don't even have a real home.

Actually I have a compound in Malibu.

But you're lonely. You don't have any real friends.

Well, I don't get to see Demi and Uma as often

because I'm dating a Kennedy.

Does your mother live at the compound?

Well I hardly ever see her. She moved to Boca.

Would you fill out this Lotto card for me, please?

Fran; I got rejected from Princeton and Vassar.

Oh, sweetie, come here.

Maggie, if it makes you feel any better,

I didn't even go to college.

Really?

I didn't go to college either.

I know what that girl needs. I just lost my assistant.

It's a great job. It's exciting. She'll meet celebrities.

Wait a minute.

You can't give a kid like that a job.

Not when I've known you since high school.

Can't you throw me a bone?

I can't believe Morgan took away

the only daughter I never had.

How many Shiksa Goddesses do they think I got in me?

You know, for dessert at your mother's Passover,

I thought I'd bring over some nice fresh fruit.

You're gonna slide a cheesecake under that aren't you?

Oh,

you're not going to want a rich dessert

after such a heavy meal.

Yeah, we are.